Help me sort undomesticated DH!

[householdchorewhore]

I'll start by saying DH is a wonderful man. I absolutely do not want to LTB but I DO want to sort this out!

He is great in many ways but when it comes to chores and domestic drudgery he is hopeless. We have a cleaner in occasionally but the boring day to day stuff needs doing. He does the bins(always) and the occasional bit of washing up but useless at the rest. I sort the finance stuff, pay all the bills etc. He can't replace the soap, bin the empty loo rolls, buy cleaning stuff, pick bits up that we need, stick bleach down the loo, put empty food wrappers in the bin, wipe the mess up when the saucepan boils over, pick the bloody newspaper up off the door mat... Etc etc. Laundry has always been mainly my job, that's fine. He did the majority of cooking and washing up but he's stopped doing that so much recently.

For background he went from living at home with his parents to halls at uni and then a shared house then we got a place together, whereas I've lived with other people including another DP before. This is his first proper independent home I suppose.

I HATE nagging but it's the only way he will do anything. When I moan he says 'just ask me' but why should I have to write a bloody list?! He can SEE the soap has run out and that I haven't had time to put the bleedin pants in the washing machine. Why doesn't he just do it?!

We've just had an almighty row about it. I was saying I don't want to be the nagging wife and his answer was 'don't bloody nag then!' But then I'll just get more and more peeved off! I shouted and he shouted. In hindsight ridiculous but some very strong words were said! I suggested he stays at the conference he's at tomorrow for more than the one night he needs to be there...

Please tell me how I knock this stuff on the head/resolve it. I KNOW he believes in equality at home between men and women - why isn't he doing it?

Or do I just accept it for the fault that it is and accept that he does lots of good things this just isn't one of them?!

[antimatter]

LovesPeace - your story with your ex sounds just like mine, 100%

there's always resentment brewing if one partner keeps giving in
it would not end up happily

[Twinklestein]

I agree with dividing up the chores 50:50. It's fundamental that you are not 'asking' him to do his stuff, but he gets on with his own jobs. He needs to step from being a self-indulgent teen to being a adult male. You're not his mum.

It's important to get this sorted now, you don't mention children but if you go on to have them in the future, you must be careful that he doesn't turn into the guy tho thinks that chores and childcare are your responsibility.

[LovesPeace]

Ok, if 'LTB' is too drastic, here are some steps to take.

1. Sit down and talk to him about how you feel. Explain how it upsets you, and that you love him but you'd like his behaviour to change.
   
2. Split responsibility for sorting out the bills - either alternate months, or always look after a certain half of them only.
   
3. Draw up a rota for housework together. Don't be tempted to re-do his efforts, don't comment, just give him time and space to change his behaviours.
   
4. Tell him often how much you appreciate him, have sex often.
   

(And then, when you realise he knew all along how you felt but chose to ignore it because he doesn't LIKE doing housework, Then LTB ).

[BeCool]

He isn't saying "sorry I'm not that great with seeing what needs to be done around the home. Can we sort this out together? What needs to be done in a day/week/month? What is the best way to divide this up fairly?"

He is saying "sorry you've got a problem love, best way forward is to nag me and I'll help you with your chores do what you ask IF you ask maybe

[ScarletStar]

In my relationship, I am the one that's like your husband and I've had to literally force myself to change. I just wanted to give you my point of view - it's because I genuinely did not notice and (the much bigger reason) do not care, that I always leave things in a mess. These things were invisible and petty to me, but of course they bloody were because I wasn't the one having to deal with them all the time!

I'm much better now, but my DH literally had to tell me about every single thing that I wasn't doing before I got over myself and did it. I found it really frustrating and irritating at first but I did change. In my opinion this means that your DH absolutely can too!

[LovesPeace]

Yes, seriously.
If your partner doesn't want to pull his weight, thinks it's a woman's job to do all the housework, then she would be better alone.
Who knows, she might even meet a nice man, who contributes equally rather than just paying lip service to equality.

[Millyblods]

AnyF thing is the OP has never mentioned wanting to go it alone or to get rid of him. She was looking for helpful answers to enable her to stop the situation she finds herself in.

[BeCool]

He can't replace the soap, bin the empty loo rolls, buy cleaning stuff, pick bits up that we need, stick bleach down the loo, put empty food wrappers in the bin, wipe the mess up when the saucepan boils over, pick the bloody newspaper up off the door mat...

Actually he CAN. He really really really can - he is choosing not to.

I KNOW he believes in equality at home between men and women
He might say he believes, but talk is cheap. Getting off your arse and actually DOING requires a bit of effort. So this equality he "believes" in will require him to "believe in action" and act. Otherwise it's just waffle he is spouting because it sounds good and makes him feel good.

I HATE nagging but it's the only way he will do anything.
This isn't true as others have pointed out he's not nagged at work. He is choosing to make this YOUR responsibility. To the extend he'd have you "nag" him - which puts the negativity onto YOU for being a dreadful nag.

When I moan he says 'just ask me'
Again this conflicts with his Belief in "equality at home" - deep down he sees it as your job/responsibility.

The problem with many of the practical solutions offered above, is they do not solve the problem - which is one of partnership, responsibility and equality. Presuming you can agree on what is the basic standard you want your home to be in (i.e. he doesn't aspire to live in a filthy dump and you don't want to eat off the floors), then he needs to step up and take responsibility. Asking you to nag and monitor him leaves the burden firmly at your feet, not only responsibility for house work overall, but also for nagging at, reminding and motivating him to do it.

I would try attacking the problem via the equality route. If that didn't work (and I hadn't lost so much respect for him I no longer wanted to live with someone who is showing how clearly he feels it is my responsibility as I have a vagina) I would take the "childish route" and play housework chicken - show him exactly what happens when someone (ie YOU) stop pulling your weight around the house.

[rpitchfo]

have you got any children?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He calls it nagging when you do it but if 'advising' you how best to handle or treat something didn't result in you paying any attention then I daresay he'd repeat himself and get arsey.

Take him at his word, ask him in future. He's old enough to figure out, if he's downed tools with regard to cooking or loading the washing machine with his stuff, he'll go unfed or not have clean clothes. If it's no trouble for you to cook extra or add his items to the washload, it cuts both ways, he can raise the energy. It's mundane and dull - you used the word drudgery - is he implying he's above all that but you're not?

OP you're not his mum. After all, stating the obvious, normal mummies don't engage in sex acts with their sons do they, so if he is re-casting you, he will have to adjust his ideas accordingly.

[KeatsiePie]

Yeah I think it's a little early to say LTB. Good luck

[Jan45]

OP, problem is although he is quite rightly in the wrong here when you raise it you are probably so annoyed it comes out as a rant (nag), nobody listens to us when we are like this so nothing gets resolved.

Could you sit down with him and explain how much it bothers you, it might not bother others but clearly does upset you, do it when you are calm and happy, see if that makes any difference, he is being just plain lazy I'd say.

Cannot believe folk are telling you to leave him what a bloody joke lol.

[FolkGirl]

What AnyFucker said.

[householdchorewhore]

I don't wear lipstick.

Keatsie, that seems to be a popular view, thanks.

Milly - I expected the 'jump to the dump' comments.

[AnyFucker]

"end up alone"

You make it sound like the worst of things. It is not.

[AnyFucker]

I would rather be alone than treated as little more than a domestic appliance with lipstick on

[KeatsiePie]

household the chore split really does work. It is a little different from giving him a to-do list or from going up to him every day and asking him to do something. B/c once he has agreed to take on his half, you really don't have to talk to him about it. You don't have to keep track of his half. Putting him in charge of his half means he will actually see the need for his chores to be done and do them. That will take a while, b/c he's not used to remembering, but it will happen.

It made a huge difference to my marriage. I never, ever think about sweeping, mopping, or vacuuming. DH never thinks about laundry. Each of us knows that things are going to run along fine. It made things much calmer and happier for us.

[Millyblods]

"Get Rid".... seriously? No where has she indicated that she would want that. Bit drastic ! She is trying to find a way to make her relationship better not worse. I don't think she wants to end up alone.

[LovesPeace]

My honest answer - get rid.
My ex behaved like this. We both worked FT, and I had animals to look after outside the house. I did everything.
At first I asked him. He always agreed but did nothing.
Then I'd nag, hating myself (and he hated my nagging too, but not enough to do anything).
Then we'd row, he'd get upset, cry, then say he did half the housework (he really did nothing), then sulk.
Finally, I stopped mentioning it, and became resentful, exhausted and depressed.
Meanwhile he'd whine about lack of sex. Who'd want to sleep with someone who treated them as a domestic drudge, besides, even sex was all about his needs being met?
Eventually after more than a decade of this shit, I caught him cheating, and left.
I love my house, my free time, and my life now. :D.

[householdchorewhore]

He does and he is. He also has faults.

Thank you for the helpful suggestions.

[AnyFucker]

he doesn't believe in equality at all. He knows you are doing his share of the domestic shitwork and he doesn't care.

he's not such a wonderful man.

[FairPhyllis]

I KNOW he believes in equality at home between men and women - why isn't he doing it?

He just doesn't want to. "I believe in equality of men and women" is something that many men like to think they believe in, but don't actually practice, because deep down they think they are fundamentally more important than women.

[LineRunner]

I honestly couldn't be arsed with a partner like this. I had one on the past and it was like dealing with a young teenager. The fun bits were fun but oh dear God, normal life and routine were just a constant source of stress.

I think you need to try the lists of jobs. One each. Separate lists, but an overall team effort.

If that doesn't work, the other option is that you stop cleaning up after him, doing his washing etc, but you need nerves of steel for that. And it does tend to highlight the potential incompatibility of the two people involved.

Good luck, OP, this must be pretty grim.

[LadyAlysVorpatril]

Why not turn it round and say he's in charge and you won't do anything unless specifically asked ... and he's not allowed to nag... see what happens.

[antimatter]

my ex was the same as TurnipCake's

I even was telling him exact same words, he chose then not to do what I asked him to do. It always is based on decision of doing or not doing it. Not that he is some animal in need of training.