Hi everyone
I'm new to this forum but just need to get this off my chest and hope it will all start to fall into place just by getting it out there! I don't quite know where else to turn for advice because unless you've been through it, you can't know how it feels.
Background - I divorced my ex-dh last year after 21 years together. I'm 43 by the way. So had pretty much spent half my life with him. We have 2 kids - dd is 9 and ds is 11. Over the years, we had totally grown apart. We went for some couples counselling but it was clear that neither of us really wanted to fix things. We were more like flatmates than anything else. Just had nothing in common at all, I didn't love him any more and he didn't love me. Hadn't had sex in years. And when we did it was crap. So both agreed that it was completely over between us. We managed a fairly amicable split. The kids still think we're the best of friends even though we're actually not. But we've always maintained a good front when they're around. So all good so far. They go to him every other weekend and they live with me.
Anyway, DH moved on and is now living with someone else. I have no problem with that really. She's welcome to him! I couldn't bear to live with him any more. And he seems a lot happier.
I spent the best part of a year on my own and was quite contented until there came a point when I thought I was sick of sitting at home on my own every night. So I signed up for online dating. One disastrous first date ensued! But my second guy was really nice. We hit it off straight away and I've been seeing him since November 17th last year.
All going well. I've had a few wobbles about it - partly because I wasn't expecting to meet someone so quickly I think. He is very lovely to me. Treats me so well. Tells me I'm amazing and perfect the whole time. I should be really happy right? Well, I've had a few wobbles over the last few weeks but on the whole things were going well. He's quite full on though. He texts me all the time which is lovely. Very attentive (complete opposite of dh). We spend every other weekend together (when the kids are away at their dads).
But this weekend, we were supposed to be spending the weekend at his house which is about half an hour away from me. He has another house he goes to every other weekend down in Devon which is where his kids live. His kids are older (14, 16 and 20). Anyway, there is a party for one of his friends next weekend and he asked me if I would go with him and stay at the house in Devon with him. So I said yes, why not. But then he said that his kids would be staying with him on the Saturday night and he's told them all about me and they are totally fine with it. I know they are older than mine and he's been divorced for 10 years so they're very used to the situation. I have been honest with him and said that I won't tell my kids yet because they're still a bit traumatised by the split with my ex-dh. And he's fine with that.
Anyway, all was OK and after my initial slight freak out about meeting his kids, I calmed down and we had a nice evening together and he stayed last night (my kids were away). But overnight I had a total meltdown freak out panic attack. This morning I couldn't wait to get him out of the house. I just felt so anxious and panicky about it. I looked at him objectively and thought to myself I don't even know if I really fancy him that much (although there is amazing chemistry between us and the sex is much better than with dh). And then started to panic that I've just latched on to the first bloke that's shown me any attention in about 10 years and who treats me nicely. But actually I feel like I'm settling for second best and perhaps he's not what I want. We don't have much in common in terms of our background. The snob in me says I have my own house, a great job, I am very educated, pretty clever etc. He went to catering college, has just lost his job in IT sales (not his fault - redundancy). But intellectually he's miles away from me. But we do have a laugh together. I think I'm quite worried about what my family and friends will think when they meet him. Which is really shallow of me. I know!
I don't for one minute imagine that Mr Perfect is out there for me to ride off in to the sunset in a perfect scenario. But equally I don't know whether I'm in this for the wrong reasons. The thought of meeting his kids just seemed to push me over the edge slightly. So now I don't know what to do. Whether to just say fuck it and go next weekend anyway and meet his kids. Or whether to say no, I'll stay home, have some space on my own (probably redecorate a room or something to distract myself - there's plenty to do because I've just moved house). And just tell him I'm not ready for that next stage. I feel so confused about it all.
Am I just massively rebounding?!!! I had another panic like this about a month ago and put it down to tiredness and PMT. Now I wonder whether this is the same thing - I'm knackered (very late night last night) and have awful PMT. But surely if things were really right then I wouldn't be feeling like this every month just because of hormone changes?!!
Anyway, I'm just wondering if others have been in a similar situation with a new relationship after a long term marriage breakdown and what their thoughts are.
Thanks for listening.
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Relationships
Relationship after divorce...slightly freaking out
7 replies
Emmjaycee · 10/03/2014 15:46
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