Aggressive husband, don't know what to do.

[nannyplumismyfavourite]

I will try to keep this brief. My H has a temper, pretty short fuse. In particular he reacts quickly and irrationally (imo) to things I have done/that have happened on my watch - e.g I was playing with our son, he tripped and fell bashing his eye. H instantly becomes tense, aggressive language - oh obvious that would happened, ffs etc, I defend myself it escalates to a shouting match.

yesterday morning the car windows were open, inexplicably, all 4 at once suggesting malfunction (or child playing with keys) instantly his tone is aggressive - 'what did you do, has it been open all night, ffs you are so careless, car is expensive etc. My back goes up instantly and I defend myself, it wasn't me etc he becomes increasingly aggressive, shouting at me to take responsibility

Put the children in the car and come back in and argue with him further ( I am as much at fault here I carried on arguing should have walked away)
it escalates, he gets into my face and then pushes me into the wall hard, storms back into his study and slams door.
I lose my temper, open door and shout at him, and (I am really not proud of this, call him the C word) He leaps up, pushes me hard back across the hall into the wall pushing me into it, shaking me and has his fist raised. I scream that I am going to call the police and he stops. I left the house shaking and crying.

I don't know what to do. Reading that back it sounds awful. In the first instance afterwards he was not contrite, he said I should not have called him that, it made him see red etc. After I pointed out that is classic abusive behaviour to blame the victim he has become more contrite. I have told him he must have counselling if he wants me to stay.

Having looked at abusive men profiles I don't think that he is, but he has a temper and a short fuse and I know that the way I react to him when he is cross only makes him worse in the short term. But I cannot (will not?) roll over and take it for the sake of peace, so we end up in these aggressive situations. This is the first time he has physically touched me although he has come close a couple of times before.

We have two small children, I can't even begin to get my head around how we would split, what it would mean for them, how I would protect them (he is a loving father but can be short tempered and is pretty useless at actual parenting.)

Can counselling work? I'm not even sure he thinks it was that bad. I'm fairly sure he thinks it was my fault for swearing at him 'making him see red'. are we just totally incompatible? I argue back at him and shout too, it only makes things worse.

what do I do? I feel really lost and I am scared of telling people in RL. I am seeing my best friend tomorrow and I really want to tell her but I don't know if I can. I am not afraid of him, and I am not weak usually but I want what is best for the children and I don't know how to achieve that.

If you have got through that (not remotely brief) essay thank you, i think just writing it down has been quite helpful actually.

[EllaFitzgerald]

Another daughter's perspective here. Leaving would be the best possible thing you could do for your children. Even if the violence isn't happening in front of them, they'll hear it, or hear the arguing, the constant sniping by one parent to another. They will pick up on the atmosphere between you. It's a horrible thing to grow up with.

And it doesn't matter what you called him; if a single word can provoke him into such a rage that he uses physical violence, then the situation is not going to improve.

[HansieMom]

I'm glad you are not a meek little thing. You stand up for yourself, good for you.

[DinoGram]

Statistics have shown that a woman in an abusive relationship is in the most danger at the time she tries to leave. Nobody can tell another person when the time for that is right. It's a very individual thing. I do agree with the person who said to have an escape plan in case you find yourself at that point.