he's fucking drinking again

[vxm123]

So furious with the bastard that I can't even type. But he is fucjing drinking again. Had a shit Xmas because of it. I have a D's nearly 3 and I ducking hate h, because I'm going to have to leave tomorrow and Ds will be so upset to be leaving his 'daddy'.

Makes me want to scream. He doesn't deserve to be a father. And now my gorgeous little boy is going to have to go through life without a father.

Today in the park ds's friends were there with their daddy & my D's couldn't take his eyes off them. Wanted their daddy to push him on swings. He's (ds) is really drawn to men as his own father is a fucked up, brain damaged alcoholic.

Is not fucking fair. I'm fuming.

[HopeClearwater]

Tribpot your post of 13:20 is just so spot on.

[HopeClearwater]

Sadly it's easier for the in laws often to keep their heads in the sand and blame the spouse. That's what happened to me. They even told me that if I wanted him to stop drinking then I had to treat him like a king. That is their reaction to the alcoholism and their way of being in denial. It is not the truth of the matter though. Never forget that.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would also second Tribpot's 13.20 post; you need to take heed of those words.

If he is an alcoholic he should not be drinking any alcohol at all.

A book called "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie would be good for you to read as there is often elements of codepedency within relationships where alcoholism features. I would also suggest you attend Al-anon meetings.

You cannot go on as you are and if anyone leaves it should be him. Your DS and you have the right to live life without your H's alcoholism in it. Alcoholism is truly a family disease which does not only affect the alcoholic. You have played the roles of enabler and provoker within this marriage far long enough. What you have tried to date has not worked.

[LegoCaltrops]

I agree with above posters. Please don't make the mistake of thinking your DS needs his dad, what he needs is happy parents. He's making his feelings about your DH obvious by clinging to other men, he clearly doesn't see your DH as he should & is seeking male approval elsewhere.

Sorry for short post; trapped under sleeping child.

[vxm123]

Summer: thankyou so much for everything you post. Its like you're living my life. Everything you say is helping me more than you will ever know.

All of you have been fantastic. I so so grateful for everyone's kindness and empathy. I'm so sorry I can't respond to people directly as i'm on my phone for privacy

Lego: your post really struck a chord. Iv just returned from a friends house and ds stood in the porch for a full 10 minutes crying that he didn't want to be home, or see daddy. He had to be coaxed in. He has returned and he refuses to look or speak to his daddy. Doesn't want anything to do with him.

I think it takes a particular personality to be an alcoholic. Its not just the alcohol that's the problem. H is selfish & detached & self-pitying. or maybe the guilt turns them into callous selfish bastards.

If he can drink despite knowing the consequences then he just doesn't give a damn. He has complete utter disregard/ contempt for us and i'm a fuckin idiot.

[vxm123]

Hope: what else did you do to your alcoholic? In the past ( before D's was born) I did worse which made me think maybe I was the one with the problem. This is despite me going to al-anon. I only went al-anon for a couple of sessions long before Ds was born

[vxm123]

Tribpot: so sorry for being so rude. I think your really courageous for giving up alcohol and admitting it was causing you a problem. Living with an alcoholic I know how hard it must have been for you. I am so so sorry for denigrating all alcoholic's. I'm actually just referring to the one I am married to

[vxm123]

Tribpot: please don't stop posting because of what I wrote. Your post's were really helpful and really do help me with the futility of the situation. You also write with a lot of empathy & insight.

[vxm123]

H has been on best behaviour since I poured wine over his head & gave him an earful. He cleaned the kitchen last night. Cleaned the house today. Hasn't drank, played with Ds & has gone to bed early.

We are not talking but I can't help feeling a bit guilty....

I don't think I would have been able to stay calm if he had drank again tonight.

Iv arranged to be out all day tomorrow as well. If I'm going to leave him I'd rather do it properly this time

[HopeClearwater]

vxm123 I broke stuff belonging to him. There was worse too but I only share about it at Al Anon meetings. I found out at those meetings that I wasn't alone in having done those things either.

The screaming and crying and reasoning with him didn't work. They are way past that. I think that deep down they hate themselves, they know they are letting their loved ones down but the compulsion to drink is just overwhelming.

One thing I don't do any more is take it personally. I've learned that no one drinks to piss me off or ruin my life or ruin my kids' lives. They drink because they really think they have to. I realise I'm spouting Al Anon philosophy here... but it helps so much to learn about what addiction is and to detach yourself from it. Get away from the craziness, because you will have started doing stuff yourself that you would once have called crazy. Red wine on someone's head, dripping on to a cream carpet deliberately? Only someone in a desperate state and at the end of their tether would feel driven to do that. And I say that in a kind way to you. I have been there.

I ordered a book from Amazon which really helped, Marriage on the Rocks, which is about being married to an alcoholic.

I wouldn't have thought that Tribpot would have been offended by you. If she's a recovering alcoholic, which I seem to recall her saying, then she will have heard it all by now and will totally understand where you are coming from.

[HopeClearwater]

PS I note you said you felt guilty - do not feel guilty! You have been living in an impossible situation for a long time and at the moment you are changing it.

A friend said to me at the time Life's too short to live like this. She was right.

I haven't even mentioned my dc - I was doing the right thing by them to change the situation they were living in and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

[vxm123]

Hope: thankyou. I have also done worse in the past. Yesterday my friend said something to me about happiness and I felt so guilty. I am mostly happy as Ds is a ray of bubbly sunshine and I feel so blessed to have him.

So I can't say I'm not happy. But the constant walking around on eggshells is hard. And its hard living with someone who hates themselves. He hates himself to the extent that he is killing himself. He is mostly unpleasant even when 'dry'.

I'm living in a beautiful house. I haven't paid my own bills for years. I can't work due to I'll health. I haven't lived my own life for years.

So if I leave there will be a big hill to climb.

[Blushingm]

Vxm I remember your thread at Christmas (not sure you remember me)

My advice is the same then as it is now. You can't change his behaviour you can only make sure you and ds are safe!

[vxm123]

Erikur said that alcoholism wasn't a straw bit a huge life consuming problem. Is that true?

Mil calls it a weakness. She often says I'm exploiting his weakness to control / demean him

[Squeegle]

Hello. I've been in a similar position too. And I also read marriage on the rocks- it was quite helpful.

I second the advice about not feeling guilty; you didn't cause the situation. My experience mirrors yours in that there would be a big blow out/ binge. Much anguish. Then an apology and perfect behaviour. And them I would relax again.... And think to myself, oh he's got it this time, it's all going to be alright.

And then... Generally not too long after, there would be a glass of wine. And my stomach would be all full of butterflies wondering what would be next. And he would accuse me of being on edge, and create an argument due to my unreasonable behaviour in not allowing one glass of wine. And then he would storm off and legitimately get drunk due to "poor him" having to live with such a bitch!!
And so it would go on.......

Look after yourself; don't doubt your reasonableness, don't get sucked into the optimistic rollercoaster life. Take control and leave if you can. Or at least don't live together. It really is easier when you're out of it.

There is a script, and lots of us follow it- the crying, weeping etc that you describe are not uncommon in any house where there is a problem with drink. But few talk about it. And really, in my experience, people who haven't been through it from one side or the other just can't understand.

So share on here, share in RL if you can, and carry on with al anon if you can. Support is so important - it stops that guilt and helps you to stay strong. Good luck OP

[vxm123]

Hi blushing. Yes I remember. Thank you for your help. Maybe i'm codependent ( haven't read enough about it) but I blame myself for problems too. And sometimes I wonder if we need to ride the storm. This was his 1st drink since then. He had wine on Friday night & hasn't drank since then. But the atmosphere in the house is horrid- which is why I'm taking the little one out so he can have fun (although he seems to enjoy himself wherever he is - but it makes me feel less guilty)

[Squeegle]

Ps - just saw your last post. Your MIL is barking- she is not helping. Alcoholism is a major thing- it colours everything. You cannot have a proper relationship with someone who drinks like that. There is no trust. Simple.

[vxm123]

Hi squeegle. Is there a script? I'm not going to al anon. Went to a couple of sessions long ago but now childcare would be an issue.

Its really interesting what you said about him picking an argument so he could storm off and drink... It seems I've fallen into that trap many times and I was believing his hype that I was the problem not him. Sounds ludicrous now I write it down

[vxm123]

Mil is taking the easy route. Not the loving route. She wants to keep her position as loving mother. I know when they lived with h she would have frequent hystrionics ( h's words)

I know it is easy to forget how hard kife had been with an alcoholic but I want to ask her how proud she will feel burying him. Because if she keeps enabling then he will die.

My h blanched when I asked him how he would feel if ds was to drink like this in the future. (Just to show that it is the job of the parent to guide not encourage)

[vxm123]

And that his level/ relationship to drink isn't healthy

[LegoCaltrops]

It is a huge life consuming problem. It ruined my parents marriage, nearly bankrupted my dad, & affected my childhood. My father always put alcohol first, & though I can't remember ever having seen him drunk, he always had a glass in his hand. It nearly killed him a few years ago, he is now disabled with brain damage. My mum never stood up to him & I really wish she had.

It is a weakness, it's his weakness, he is drinking, he is allowing it to control and demean him. You're not pouring the drink down his throat. Your MIL probably doesn't want to admit this, because then you would not be to blame, which may make her feel that it's her fault.

[Squeegle]

I have read lots about alcohol
(Think piles of books in the wardrobe!). I kept thinking that if I read enough about it I would be able to help. He was quite damaged from childhood (although seems a very articulate and reasonable fellow on the surface). I had a vision in my mind that if I could love him enough I could undo the damage.

Well...... In all honesty it was only when I realised I was powerless (and it took me years!!), that I was actually able to do something that was useful to him, and that was to hand the control to him. Basically say - drink if you want to, kill yourself if you want to, but don't do it here. Sounds harsh, but was my only choice. I couldn't have this damage being done to the kids. They didn't have a choice.

When I say the script I mean the one where we beg, plead , tell them we're always there. They talk, agree, and then sooner or later drink again. We try not to have alcohol in the house, try and avoid social occasions where there is drink, try and dispose of their alcohol. I only say it's a script as so many seem to act in the same way, and I discovered this through all my reading and internetting!! It somehow helps to know it's not just you, and that others have struggled with the same issues. Some of their experiences gave me a lot of strength.

Your H's reaction when you asked about your child drinking in the same way is very telling

[vxm123]

It does help to know it's not just me. I couldn't stand and watch somebody stab themselves repeatedly and in the same way its hard to detach from watching an alcoholic drink. Iv tried handing the control back to him. Had a lapse this weekend.

We too have avoided social occasions. Eating out etc. Not allowing him to do the supermarket shop with me.

[vxm123]

I'm tired of living his life

[Squeegle]

I know what you mean re being tired of it. You also get used to it. Kind of forget it's not normal.

I turned into a bit of a policewoman. I stayed with a friend, and she had an opened bottle of wine on the side. I remember being surprised she could do this without her husband being tempted. Then I remembered! Not everyone is like this.