he's fucking drinking again

[vxm123]

So furious with the bastard that I can't even type. But he is fucjing drinking again. Had a shit Xmas because of it. I have a D's nearly 3 and I ducking hate h, because I'm going to have to leave tomorrow and Ds will be so upset to be leaving his 'daddy'.

Makes me want to scream. He doesn't deserve to be a father. And now my gorgeous little boy is going to have to go through life without a father.

Today in the park ds's friends were there with their daddy & my D's couldn't take his eyes off them. Wanted their daddy to push him on swings. He's (ds) is really drawn to men as his own father is a fucked up, brain damaged alcoholic.

Is not fucking fair. I'm fuming.

[CookieDoughKid]

I second Lego's comment. It doesn't have to be end but your dh has to work really hard to prove he can refuse alcohol and take control of it, rather than it control him. There's no cure but i'm aware relapses are possible in the future.

I believe all my dh has done is is to replace his alcohol addiction with an adrenaline sports addition. But it's so much for the better. He won't even touch alcohol on a work social because he doesn't want to spoil his hard earned training results for Triathlon. He's looks better, lost weight, more self esteem and we are all much happier. Honestly, he will tell you be had to hit rock bottom to get there.

Nothing worse than realising (after I booted him out) that he was replaceable with a nice new man (yes!! Almost happened) and someone else was taking his place playing happy families!!

[vxm123]

How do I ensure ds isn't brought up in a toxic environment? I'm not sure I would make a good lone parent at the moment... Ds is my dream come true, I was really lucky to have him and I am very attached to him. I fear him having fog for me (fear, obligation, guilt). I want him to be free to live his own life without ever feeling beholden to me. I fear fucking up his life by leaving.

[LegoCaltrops]

Stay strong. If and when your DP dries out, sorts himself out, & proves to you both that he's willing to stay that way long term, then maybe, just possibly, it could still work. But, that's unlikely to happen as long as you stay, he needs to realise he is losing something more important than the alcohol. Ultimately, you may be helping him by leaving, it could be the shock he needs to sort himself out. And you and your DS deserve better, starting right now.

[Roseformeplease]

Good decision. You will get lots of support here but you need to ensure that your DS is not brought up in a toxic environment. Honestly, it fucks you up in all sorts of ways.

[vxm123]

Rose: I think I might have to leave. He's not drinking but very bad tempered now.

This time I want to leave for good. Iv got a ds who is becoming more aware so I need to make a consistent change and provide him with a better life.

[Roseformeplease]

Please leave. I beg you. As the child of an alcoholic and one of 4 siblings, I will try to explain the damage it will do to your DS.

I went away to school, avoiding the worst of it, but still have issues, much resolved by my very happy marriage and by being teetotal except for a small number of days a year. (About 10). One sibling has had a string of abusive relationships and is an alcoholic, currently having strokes and suffering long term damage. One sibling is married to an alcoholic and is bringing up 3 children with him, taking the cycle on one generation and is also probably on anti-depressants and struggling with booze herself. The other sibling has had severe psychological problems - not an alcoholic, but other, dangerous issues.

Your DS will be affected. Please get out.

[vxm123]

CookieDough thankyou so much for that. Things are pretty miserable between is but I would hate for this to be the end. We married late in life And the sad truth is that I love him.

I wouldn't be a slave to love though. I've often told him that I'm prepared to love him from afar If ds & I would be better off without him. He has supported me in difficult times which makes me want to do right by him.

[CookieDoughKid]

Fwiw...I had to boot my dh out a few years ago. His drinking became intolerable. His mood swings were extreme due to the drink. However I was financially independent, I was working and I had an aupair to help with childcare. My dh is now back with us after admitting he has a problem and seeking professional help. He will not go near alcohol. And needless to say, his temper has totally stabilised. But I'm talking about several years timescales here. No quick fixes. My dh has a new addiction now which is sport. I do feel it is a certain kind of personality which succumbs or more easily seduced to addiction.

[vxm123]

DameEdna: what is the situation between u both/ his health now?

I have been trying to detach. I agree with you that it is hellish. And they have far more tricks than we do. Addiction truely is a cruel mistress.

Squeegle: I do have a plan. Mainly to improve myself. I keep my finances separate. I hope to improve my health and career prospects ( I haven't worked seriously for over 10 years). I'm trying to build a network of friends, so that I can have support and company outside the home.

If I was to walk away today,I am lucky in that I could move in with my parents. However it would be a lot of pressure on them. They would be embarrassed. And I would be a financial burden too. ( also D's is a typical energetic lively free spirited toddler!!) Ds brings happiness & chaos wherever he goes!

Finola: I don't know if i'm staying. Or for how long.

I think the part to repair and the path to separation should ultimately be the same.

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

It's so hard to live with this. It consumes you and your family, it's so hard to detach, to stop doing what you have always done, to stop joining in the game, to stop playing your part.

Oh how I feel for you OP. It's harder to start detaching (with love) than it is to carry on with the madness. I remember saying at an Alanon meeting "but I'm bloody miserable, he's carrying on drinking, I'm bloody detaching and it's me that is hurting". But very slowly it began to work (probably wrong choice of words). Once I didn't play along with the shouting, begging, arguing etc. he didn't have excuse to drink, he didn't have anyone to blame. It turns out he was the problem all along - and then, and only then, did he seek help, when there was no-one else to blame.

[Squeegle]

DameEdna, you're quite right, my choice of words was careless. I should have said why should they be the ones making you unhappy. My ex wasn't happy either- your post just gave me some insight into what it was like for him

vxm, don't feel flamed. I think it takes a long time to truly acknowledge that your hopes have been shattered. It certainly took me a long long time to realise it couldn't be mended. No one will castigate you for not leaving immediately; life's not that simple- but the main thing is that you start to get a plan together to change things as soon as you can

[Finola1step]

Does your last post mean you are staying?

[vxm123]

Please don't everyone flame me. I'm not strong enough for that

[vxm123]

Squeegle : it is the lack of kindness that bothers me the most. It wasn't always like this. I often ask myself how to rekindle the kindness. The marriage isn't dead by any means but its not very pleasant

[vxm123]

He's not kind to me.

And he also hates himself.

[Theoldhag]

I am so sorry, alcoholism is such a selfish and destructive illness, untill somone admits and seeks help there is very little that can be done. It sucks the life and energy from those around. An alcoholic has a choice, they either drink or they go dry (with help from rehab teams), a person with an alcoholic has a choice too.......stay or leave.

I wish you and your family all the best, I hope you put yourself and dc first.

There are organisations set up to help, your dc can have counselling as can you. Please get support for you and your dc, what ever you decide.

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

squeegle unlikely that vxm's DH is happy.

My DH says that he used to pray to die, pray that he wouldn't open his eyes in the morning. He hated himself and says that he wouldn't wish alcoholism on anyone. It's not a choice, he felt like he had no way out, he tried for 20 years to stop. He mist definately was not happy.

[Squeegle]

I suspect from what you say, and from my memory of your other thread, that the issue is not just his drinking. He's not kind to you either.

And when you feel like it may be your fault you are prepared to back down to keep the peace. But really, it's not your fault, and the day you truly believe it will be the day you recognise that by hook or by crook you need to get out if the situation.

Another cliche coming up: life really is too short to waste it being miserable because of someone else's shortcomings. Particularly if they're not showing you the courtesy of kindness. Why should they be the happy one and you be the miserable one?

[vxm123]

Oops constructive direction !!!

[vxm123]

Squeegle: thanks. He doesn't like being a drinker. Its a real source of shame for him.

Dame: you're right. We cannot carry on as we are. I don't want to carry on as I have been, which is why I've posted. Normally I would have walked out and come back after some days/ weeks.

Attila: you're right in that alcohol is a cruel mistress, and that there probably are elements of codependency and enabling. I'm working to lessen the codependency. I know he's not a good role model for son either.

At the moment I cannot give my son a good life. I haven't worked for over 10 years die to illness.

I'm ready to make a change / put the work in and I will welcome any constrictive direction

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Can we move on from this? Is there any way of salvaging the marriage and us being happy together?

Simply put, no.

There is no way back from this. Better to be apart and happier than be together and miserable. Also he is not a good role model for your son either. Your H has made a conscious choice to drink and besides which his primary relationship is still with drink. Nothing and no-one else comes close to the drink. Alcohol is truly a cruel mistress.

You've been codependent and enabling him for too long; it has not worked and it will not work either.

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

It sounds like you are wanting someone to say it will be alright, just carry on doing what you are doing. It won't. If you carry on doing what you've always done, you'll get what you gave always got.

You have to change your behavior. You can't change his, you aren't in charge of him. You can only control yourself. Stop trying to control him and his alcohol intake. Stop believing him.

Your situation and you are not different from us that have been through it, you are the same.

[Squeegle]

I think that there probably is; but only if he admits that he has a problem and sorts it out. Cliche but true. And maybe better if he moves out for a bit?

[vxm123]

Can we move on from this? Is there any way of salvaging the marriage and us being happy together?