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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is he like this when my parents visit?

49 replies

barkinginessex · 07/03/2014 11:34

Whenever they come to visit he is quite rude, playing on his ipad, not really engaging in conversations and just gives the impression he'd rather they weren't there. It makes me really uncomfortable and my mum has admitted she doesn't always feel very welcome.
We live 100 miles away so the visits are only for a weekend once every 3-4 months, I've tried to talk to him about it but he just says he doesnt have a problem with them and is just acting like he normally would. I always organise for things we can all do and enjoy when they are here but again he's just not interested.
Does anyone else have this problem? I always make a lot of effort when his mum visits, why can't he do the same for me?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2014 13:28

"He is the life and soul when friends come to visit! "

Then he is CHOOSING to behave this way for others. Nothing to do with how his mother raised him (let's blame the mother.. ) or family dynamic or personality or undiagnosed disorder but a CHOICE. So ask yourself why would someone make that choice and what might be their motivation to make others as uncomfortable as possible and you have your answer

TalisaMaegyr · 07/03/2014 13:31

The short answer to your question is that he has really fucking bad manners.

Lweji · 07/03/2014 15:39

Which friends is he lovely with? Your friends, or his?

My first reaction would be that he'd rather have them not going to your place.

Is he a good husband?

southfieldsmum · 07/03/2014 16:50

My husband does this too. My mum lives on the other side of the world and so comes once a year for a few weeks. So it is intense and a bit all consuming and he has routinely behaved very badly. Sulky, not engaging, acting rudely and making everyone feel really uncomfortable.
He is also great with friends, very sociable nice and funny. It is something about my attention, but also family in general as he has very little relationship with is mother, his father passed away when he was a teenager and is an only child. No suggestions just lots of empathy.

Logg1e · 07/03/2014 17:08

Why do you accept it (those of you who do)?

Original poster

barkinginessex · 07/03/2014 17:16

He is great when my friends visit and his and is a lovely DP in every other way, really kind, funny and sociable, just not with my parents!
He's a little more sociable when we go to visit them but I think that's because we are out and about a lot of that time visiting other family and friends.
Really don't know what to do, it makes me so sad.

OP posts:

Logg1e · 07/03/2014 17:23

But why do you tolerate him being like this when you've asked him to be welcoming and well-mannered and it makes you sad?

Jan45 · 07/03/2014 17:33

Regardless of his other lovely traits, the fact he was doing this to my parents would be worse than friends, they are your parents, talk about insulting them and you. Do not tolerate it, there's absolutely no need for rudeness and bad manners, such a selfish childish way to be.

KatieScarlett2833 · 07/03/2014 17:37

Yesterday, I asked DH (when he got home really, really late) why this was so.
Turns out he had been shopping for my blind parents after a full day at work. He is v v senior and is slap bang in the middle of the busiest time of the year.
He didn't even think to mention it as to him, it's what you do for family.
And that is why I love him so damn much.

Logg1e · 07/03/2014 17:46

As I said above neither me nor my partner are particularly close to our parents and find their company trying. So, we play a kind of "tag" taking it in turns to be polite, hospitable and present whilst the other has excuses related to the children, animals or office work. What neither of us does is show the other one up.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/03/2014 17:49

I didn't think anyone was blaming his mother, Cog it's how he treated her and now he's adopting the same tiresome technique with OP's parents.

TryingToBePractical · 07/03/2014 17:56

My friend's DH does this. It has become more and more blatant over the years. Friend has spoken to him about it many times, but unless she is prepared to leave him over it (which she is not), there is not much she can do. She now visits her parents without him, and they rarely visit her, although actually since my friend took the pressure off he has become much better and will occasionally see them voluntarily and behave himself. The parents are very unobjectionable people, it is hard to understand (I am in fact very fond of her DH in many ways but there are aspects of his personality that I could not tolerate, and this is one of them.)

tobiasfunke · 07/03/2014 18:02

This is a massive red flag. He basically can't be arsed making nice for your family.
MY BIL is like this. Apparently great with his friends but both times we have driven the 500 miles to them visit them he basically sat in another room the whole time and went to bed at 7pm. We felt so awkward and ultimately pissed off. He does it to PIL as well even though they travel along way to help them out with their DC. They try to find ways to excuse him but it's obvious they find it awkward.

Last time we met them at a restaurant and he wandered off when we arrived and turned up halfway through the meal, ordered separately, ate and buggered off again. It's obvious he doesn't like us and so doesn't see the need for any social niceties as there is nothing in it for him. He was perfectly nice when we first met him. He is a twat.

TryingToBePractical · 07/03/2014 18:19

Actually, now that I think about it, my friend's DH may have improved form the time her parents got their own back. Basically, friend had a couple of weeks off between changing jobs and went away with her DC and parents for a week of it. Her DH had decided not to take time off work and join them (fair enough of itself, it was "bonus" holiday for my friend), but at the last minute booked a couple of days off to join them for a long weekend. He arrived after work one evening and the next morning her parents made excuse about not feeling great and headed home. May well have been genuine, but I think the DH was a bit taken aback to think it might be a mutual thing. He now behaves much better. Which may or may not be linked!

kerala · 07/03/2014 18:31

Definitely red flag. Makes me sorry for the woman that her feelings are of such little consequence to him he can't even be arsed to feign basic good manners towards those she cares about. It's all bad.

His ears will be burning on the visitors car journey home conclusion will be he is a massive cock and she is a doormat in a crap relationship.

rainbowsmiles · 07/03/2014 19:15

Yeah the fact they can do it with the people they want to see just proves is rudeness. You see we were made to make an effort with people regardless of whether you liked them. If you didn't you got trouble for it. My husbands family didn't get this. They were never made to do anything they didn't want to do. Every single one of them are rude in company. The sister wouldn't even come down stairs to say hello if we were visiting.

Not everything is a red flag. Sometimes a cigar is just as cigar.

Lweji · 07/03/2014 19:27

I think you need to talk to him about it and point it out clearly that you expect better of him.

Hissy · 07/03/2014 20:43

Not sure if this is relevant or not, but as I read the OP, this event came into my head:

My ex would sit brooding/sulking in the kitchen,refusing to engage or participate in his son's 2nd birthday. Or his 3rd for that matter.

I was annoyed, but carried on making my little ds's birthday as good as I could in the circumstances. He was happy and that was all that mattered.

I bollocked him took him to task over it, and it cane out that his mother would just open the door to the hallway where he was playing and say 'by the way, it's your birthday today'

She was a 'rich' woman, pillar of her community etc, well respected, savvy. She'd longed for a child, and was told by a gazillion doctors that she'd never have kids. So it was assumed that she adored her ds. (my ex)

Turns out that this probably wasn't how he felt about it all, and that evidence points to the fact that actually their relationship was 'difficult' (she never hugged him for example)

I wonder if your H sees how 'normal' your family is and somehow on a subconscious level it reminds him that he didn't have this.

Maybe the rudeness is resentment?

Will prize my behind out of the shrink's armchair now, but if this rings true, you may have a way for him to feel differently.

Talk to him - calmly - and see if you can find out what's at the root core.

Ultimately though, he has to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable and he will have to stop it, or he'll kill your relationship with him.

Hissy · 07/03/2014 20:46

Not sure if this is relevant or not, but as I read the OP, this event came into my head:

My ex would sit brooding/sulking in the kitchen,refusing to engage or participate in his son's 2nd birthday. Or his 3rd for that matter.

I was annoyed, but carried on making my little ds's birthday as good as I could in the circumstances. He was happy and that was all that mattered.

I bollocked him took him to task over it, and it cane out that his mother would just open the door to the hallway where he was playing and say 'by the way, it's your birthday today'

Turns out that this probably wasn't how he felt about it all, and that evidence points to the fact that actually their relationship was 'difficult' (she never hugged him for example)

I wonder if your H sees how 'normal' your family is and somehow on a subconscious level it reminds him that he didn't have this.

Maybe the rudeness is resentment?

Will prize my behind out of the shrink's armchair now, but if this rings true, you may have a way for him to feel differently.

Talk to him - calmly - and see if you can find out what's at the root core.

Ultimately though, he has to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable and he will have to stop it, or he'll kill your relationship with him.

Hissy · 07/03/2014 20:48

Whoops! Sorry! Phone

kerala · 08/03/2014 07:28

Nah I think it's just rude and shows how little respect he has for his partner. Wish the women would give them a dose of their own medicine and waltz out for the day when his family and friends need hosting

kerala · 08/03/2014 07:29

summermovedon · 08/03/2014 07:49

My XH did this with everyone, even me. Basically he was demonstrating that he couldn't care less, which was true. It is rude and shows no respect for them or you. Hated that behaviour, incredibly childish and nasty. I would never put up with it again.

ScabbyHorse · 08/03/2014 08:21

I think it might be worth talking to him again and not accepting his statement that he isn't doing anything wrong - he needs to own up to behaving like this and find a way to improve his behaviour as its not fair on you or your parents. It's not modelling good behaviour for your kids. I think Hissy has a point and its not as simple as saying he is being rude for the sake of it. Whatever it is it needs bringing out into the open and addressing.

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