Reality bites with new baby. What now?

[Morningwobbles]

Back story: I became pregnant in a fairly casual relationship, both of us had recently become single after long relationships. I said there was no option for me except having the baby, and he could choose not to be involved. He was horrified.

In short, we both acted very badly. There was a lot of arguing and fighting. But a few months down the line he changed his mind and said we should move in together and be a couple.

Looking back I can now see quite how much I was still mentally tied up with my ex. Because of this, and because I could not forgive him for saying he did not want the baby, I said no. I had some idea in my head that things would change and ve different once the baby came, but wanted things to be stable at first, so be on my own.

We got on better towards the end of my pregnancy, and he came to the birth and was really helpful and supportive in the early weeks, less so recently. He said he would be around a lot.

The baby is now nearly 3 months old and we both love him.

In the last couple of weeks I have finally felt I am over my ex (not the father). I think I had been clinging onto that security to counteract the stress during pregnancy.

Baby's dad is now in a new relationship, which he says he hopes will be serious.

I am trying not to be angry with him. I know I treated him really badly, and fundamentally he is a good guy. I felt that we owe it to our baby to at least give being together a go. Until now I was not in a place to try with any integrity.

I am disappointed that he chooses to spend time with this woman over time with his child. I am scared that they will get married really fast and she will try and be my baby's mum. I am disappointed in myself that I did not feel brave enough to give things a try when it was not too late. And it scares me that I cannot help loving the dad, which surprised me, and I look at the baby and see him. Maybe it would never have worked anyway and it is not enough. I do not know how I will ever be able to explain why dad is not around much to our baby.

He sees the baby about twice a week at the moment.

Not sure what I am asking really. I judt want everything to turn out ok.

[BertieBottsJustGotMarried]

Fair enough :) I suppose I'm coming more from a position of having been an ex to someone whose family I didn't much like!

Am also thinking sort of along "wifework" esque terms, ie, if you get into the role of sending them photos and facilitiating things with them now, will it always fall to you? He's not likely to pick it up several years down the line, not unless he's always done it.

However a real life situation and relationship between two families is possibly not the best platform to be trying out some kind of feminist experiment.

[Morningwobbles]

His family are great, and have coped really well with our lesd than ideal situation. They have even invited me and the baby to join them on holiday in the summer. :)

[SolidGoldBrass]

Actually, it would be more of a 'wifework' thing if the OP was in a couple-relationship with the babyfather. As it is, she can build/facilitate a relationship between the baby and grandparents on her own terms.

MW, it honestly sounds as though things are going to be just fine. A little unusual, but there are plenty of unusual family setups where everyone is happy. This idea that only heteromonogamous families are acceptable is absolute bullshit.

Don't forget how many married couples have children and actually live lives of sheer hell because the man's abusive. There's none of that going on in your set up.

[MrsBobHale]

MW - I maintain independent contact with DD's Granny. I send pictures, school reports etc and I invite her for tea when she's up visiting her son. She's lovely and I am happy to do it. She's also helped me out with childcare occasionally, and it's much easier for us to arrange this without going through DD's dad.

She also massively helped me out financially in the early days, by paying my mortgage for 6 months so i could take my full maternity leave rather than go back to work after 12 weeks. She made it clear she was doing this for DD and it wasn't a loan. Good grandparents mean a lot, and my DD is very lucky.