Separated 2 weeks ago. Miss him so much. But he is furious

[Sickandtired14]

So, we separated 2 weeks ago. We have a 19month old girl and I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Separation came after a bitter bitter row where he got so aggressive that I called the police. He started smashing things and pushed me. He did not hit me. Anyway, he is angry cos I called the police and he says he is the victim as I started the row and wouldn't let him simply storm out when he wanted to. He is quite controlling and doesn't see boundaries, ie during a row he will say anything that comes into his head, no matter how awful. He told me I am cancer in his life and he wants to kill himself to get away from me etc. If he gets upset, and the tiniest thing can upset him, he goes silent. If I ask what's wrong he'll say he is tired but then not speak to me for a week. Or until I 'start a row' by questioning him again. He says when he does this it's ok cos 'he isn't doing anything to me and I come to him to start a argument'.

Despite all this, I miss him so much. I want to be with him. I want to try relationship counselling. I want to learn to communicate better. We have one child, we will have another and I still love him. He is still extremely angry so I'm not contacting him. Trying to get some space and will see how I feel in 30 days.

I know that a lot of people will say 'why so you want to be with someone who treats you like that' but I just do. I sometimes wish I didn't love him but I do and I miss him. Maybe I'm just being silly. My hormones are kinda everywhere.

Sorry for venting. I just don't know where else to turn

[pointythings]

I think you should allow yourself to grieve for the loss of the man you thought you had, but everyone else on this thread is right - he is not good for you. He is controlling, he wants to storm out so that you cannot put your side of whatever disagreement you are having, he is aggressive, he blames everything on you and takes no responsibility for any of it himself.

He will not change.

You do need counselling - the kind that will help you value yourself as an individual, as a strong woman who deserves a loving, supportive man. Then you can move on and not fall for another bullying, abusive arse.

[glastocat]

He sounds like a nasty bastard, and your poor kids will suffer if you go back to him. Come on, don't they (and you) deserve more?

[Lweji]

Think very carefully if you really love this man, or the idea you have of him. We often end up loving only the good side and the potential we see in them, and ignore the reality and how bad it can be.

You are now mourning that ideal you had. Once you start getting over it, you will probably notice how much happier your home is, how much easier it is to deal with children when the abuser is not there.

Be outraged at him. That he is angry about you calling the police and not at his behaviour.
Think what you'd tell your daughter if she was in a relationship like yours was.

[apartridgeinapeartree]

I was in a relationship like this. I screamed and shouted, I thought I was argumentative. I knew the relationship was dysfunctional but I found it so hard to let go. I wasted 10 years of my life in that relationship. Whatca monumental waste of time. It was terribly damaging to my self estene.

We eventually split up when he had an affair and got another woman pregnant. Even then I missed him like crazy and found it impossible to imagine myself with anyone else.

Now, many years later, I look back with regret that we didn't end it sooner. I've had a few relationships since, including my lovely DH now. And do you know what, I don't scream or shout. I can't imagine doing that now. It wasn't me it was him after all! My problem was not being able to let go of a relationship that was so obviously bad for me.

I do think you should go for counselling, but not with him, on your own. You need to recognise that the feeling that you want to bs with him us a strong feeling, but that doesn't mean you should act on it, as this relationship is destructive. You need help in getting through this bit.

I promise, when you look back, after you've got over him (and you will, even though it may seem impossible now!) you will be glad you're free of this.

There can be a future for you with a happy loving relationship, but it's not with this man.

[gamerchick]

Good dads... or mams for that matter don't put their kids through this kind of thing.

You don't have the luxury of thinking of yourself.

[apartridgeinapeartree]

I totally recognise the idea of just loving the good bits. With my ex, I saw the bits when we got on as the "real" him, and the bits where he treated me badly as a mistake, something we could put right if we tried hard enough. I was in love with the good bits and was able to disregard the bad bits.

Now I recognise it was all the "real" him. No amount of trying would ever gave changed that.

[JemimaJones]

Hi OP, sorry your feeling so sad. His behaviour is not conducive to a calm relationship but you seem to feel that your behaviour is not good either in that you scream and shout at him. Do you feel that communication is a big issue for the two of you? How do you talk to him on a day to day basis. Are you supportive and kind and respectful in all communication other than the row. What is he like .Is he respectful, kind and supportive normally. What causes the rows initially. Does he want to storm off to cool down. Do you feel that you would both benefit from learning how to communicate better with each other without things having to get to such a point where you are both losing control.

[MorrisZapp]

I'm really sorry but he isn't a great dad. Great dads are kind and trustworthy all the time, not just when they happen to be in a good mood.

If the whole family has to walk on eggshells round one person, then that person is not a great parent.

[Isetan]

If it was just you then ok you're an adult it's your prerogative to have him back. However, you have children and 'I luuuuuurve him' doesn't cut it. Your children only have one childhood, do not blight it with this dysfunctional relationship.

[kentishgirl]

You both sound awful and in need of a big dose of growing up. He yells. You yell. He tries to leave. You prevent him from leaving. It escalates. You end up calling the police.

You need to stop watching Eastenders. Normal people don't behave like this. Your poor children.

You both need to seek help with communications and relationships, either separately, or together.

[wyrdyBird]

he got so aggressive that I called the police.He started smashing things and pushed me. He did not hit me.
What if he had? Is that the line you've drawn, it's ok if he doesn't hit me?

It's not ok. I know you miss him, but please don't take him back. He is a textbook, classic, emotionally stunted domestic abuser.

He blames you. The tiniest thing upsets him. He gives you the silent treatment. You ask something, that's 'starting an argument'. Smashes things. Jekyll and Hyde. And you're pregnant.

He will only get worse, I'm afraid. You can't get back the man you dated, because for him that WAS a display, which went on long enough to hook you in. When you say he only has access to angry emotions, you're right. He doesn't care about your emotions. He's angry with you, a) for being an independent person with needs and b) for not doing exactly what he wants, and thinking exactly what he wants you to think. He can't understand it, never will.

Have a look at the links at the top of this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1963156-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-thread-28

Many women have been where you are. Please don't take him back.

[Pagwatch]

He really isn't a great dad.
That is bollocks I'm afraid. It is terribly self indulgent of you to pretend that he is.
It's incredibly sad that you think that you are giving your children a better option by continuing to live in a thoroughly childish, aggressive and damaging situation.
You have lost any sense of how people who loved each other behave

[Sickandtired14]

I've never watched eastenders. And I've never said 'I luuuurve him'.

This isn't a case of oh my god, I can't imagine my life without him. My life is over I'm gonna kill myself. I'm not a teenager who is in lust and infatuated. I'm actually in love with someone, bad or good, those feeling don't change. I will have 2 children by this man. And right now I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact this might be over. Does it make me a better mother to be a martyr and unhappy without him?

There is some good advice here. Thank you. The relationship wasn't always bad. I suppose I just feel like we haven't explored all the options yet. We haven't tried everything to make it work and get back that respect and trust.

[Charley50]

It's normal to feel sad, especially as you are pregnant but you and your children will be a million times happier without him. He doesn't take any responsibility for his own actions- very bad sign, and shows that he has no insight into how his behaviour affects his 'loved ones.'
He is is awful and abusive and doesn't want to change.
I grew up with a dad like that; I've had lifelong self esteem and relationship issues, as has my one remaining sibling. My other brother is dead: he committed suicide. That is how much having abusive parents can affect a child.
He has given you a gift by leaving; accept it.

[Lweji]

What do you think are your options if he doesn't want to respect you?

You can't make him love you. Or treat you with respect even. You can only choose to put up with it or not.

It does make you a better mother not to subject your children to a man who doesn't love or respect their mother. And not to subject the children to a man who smashes things around the house.

You don't have to be unhappy. In fact, once the fog is past, you'll see that you can actually be happier.

[apartridgeinapeartree]

"We haven't tried everything to make it work and get back that respect and trust."

It will never come back. He's voted with his feet anyhow (I remember a friend saying that when my ex and I split up. I didn't want to hear it, but I needed to).

"Does it make me a better mother to be a martyr and unhappy without him?"

It makes you a better mother to be without him, yes, absolutely.
But not a martyr. You and he will never be happy in this relationship. You can continue to waste more of your life pursuing a man who does not exist (the one he seemed to be when you got together), but it won't result in happiness, for you or your kids. Only leaving him gives you a real chance at happiness.

I wonder how I would have reacted had mumsnet existed when I was with my ex. Badly I suspect! I would have argued that I knew what I was doing, I believed that love can conquer all. But in retrospect I was too tied up in it all to see the wood for the trees.

[ZuluinJozi]

Pushing is assualt

[ZuluinJozi]

You appear to be in a classic abusive relationship - some eg:
shrugging off the pushing as lesser than real violence it is,
blaming yourself (blocking his way from leaving),
your partner believing he is a victim of circumstances,
loss of confidence in your ability to survive without him.

Often DV victims are perceived as weak because of their failure to act quickly and logically but Annasdjebrouni you are not weak and I believe you can see that you are in a abusive relationship.

I don't know how I can help you but keep all evidence, records or diary of the pushing and other abuse, take pictures of things he smashes or bruises he might inflict on you along with the times and dates and keep them safe or if possible with a friend or family - it is hard to argue a case of domestic violence without evidence.

Chances are you will get back together and your love wont be enough to right him, domestic violence never ceases it escalates.

[Isetan]

Does it make me a better mother to be a martyr and unhappy without him?

Seriously you view not exposing your children to a dysfunctional relationship as martyrdom? You are a parent and your happiness should not come at your children's expense, oh and your not happy with him, so you might want to give not being with him a proper try.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Does it make me a better mother to be a martyr and unhappy without him?

Yes

[pointythings]

What Isetan said. You will be a better mother if you take your children away from an abusive relationship so that they can learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Your children have to come first.