Did my husband cheat or what was his intentions?

[Dinah1]

Iv never did this before but i feel i really need advice as i dont know who to turn to! iv been with my husband nearly 15 years and married for 8 with 2 sons, I'm 32 and my husband is 43. We decided to have his family over for a night out..his 2 nephews 18 and 19 (his brothers sons) along with his niece aged 28 (who isn't his brothers daughter but he brought her up for 20 years) anyways we all went out and had good night and ended up going back to ours for a few drinks afterward, my husbands niece (who isn't blood related to him) got really sick and her younger brother looked after her and made sure she was ok and then I told him to put her in my bed so she could have a sleep so he did that and came back down stairs. About half an hour or so after he did this my husband said he would go to check on her and failed to return back downstairs, I sat for about an hour chatting with my nephews when I decided to go to bed and to my horror i saw my husband in our bed under the covers with her but both looked as if they were sleeping (or were they? Maybe the heard me coming up the stairs) I automatically thought that this was very inappropriate that both of them were in the same bed so i went into my sons room and lay on his bed with all sorts racing through my mind then shorly after I heard her get out my bed and go downstairs so I went through to my room where my husband was lying with his jeans undone ( they wernt down but the button and zip was undone) I confronted both of them and they deny that anything happened..! But previous to this on a holiday the year before I overheard him tell her she was good looking and if she wasn't a family member that he could of quite easily have gotten with her "he told her this as she cried over the broken ralationship to the father of her children ended" so was he saying this to make her feel better about herself or is there more to it after them ending up in the same bed? She is insisting she woke up in bed with him beside her and she left the room as soon as she saw him but she tried to say the next morning that she wasnt in bed with him at all and now shes changed her story when i said i saw with my own eyes! so maybe nothing happened and she did leave as soon as she saw him then then i think well what was his intensions for getting into the same bed and undoing his zip and button? i feel betrayed, heartbroken and don't know what to do next!

[Offred]

I wouldn't particularly see a "I would shag her" comment from a much older man (nevermind a relative) whilst I was in the throws of the death of the relationship with my dc father as a compliment. I'd see it as a predator taking his opportunity to prey on me when I was vulnerable.

[msdiamant]

I think OP both of them could have been having a connection for sometimes. You heard him saying inappropriate things to her but he could have been keeping in touch with her since that time. I mean pursuing her. I would never trust my DH if I heard him complementing another woman the way your DH did. I would always be suspicious of him. So sorry about your situation. Stay strong.

[Offred]

*he hasn't started being a sleaze overnight.

[Offred]

He has very very poor boundaries at the very least...

[Offred]

So you were 17 and he was 28 when you got together, he made sexual comments about a woman who has been raised as his niece when she was upset about her relationship ending and he has now got into your bed with her and undone his trousers?

She is not the problem at all.

He has very, very poor boundaries and I'd be willing to bet everything has not been completely fine for 15 years and he has suddenly started being a completely inappropriate sleaze overnight.

[lauren222]

From your original post it sounds like your husband has known this girl since she was 8 years old. Although she is an adult now, and he is not blood related, it seems creepy to me that he would make those comments to her on holiday. It would even be creepy if he were single.

[msdiamant]

What if she was not that drunk? What if that was their plan? How many husbands would sleep next to their nieces blood- related or not?

[Dinah1]

Thank you for the comments and advise but I think iv had enough for one day..! He has been back staying with his mother since last night and that's the way I intend to keep it cause I can't live with someone once the trust is broken and I feel it would lead to a very unhappy marriage and I guess I'll never truly find out what happened that night unless he eventually grows the balls to tell me which I very much doubt after a full day of trying to get to the bottom of things yesterday!

[YouAreMyRain]

He got into a bed where his drunk niece was, when the plan was for him to bunk up with one of the DSs.

Very very inappropriate, (regardless of the "molesting" which most people on here are accusing him of)

If he can't accept that that was inappropriate, then he is a fuckwit.

Stick to the facts, you don't know what else happened, the facts are enough to ask him to move out to give you space to think about things.

[SoleSource]

He got into your bed with another Woman. He could have been to the toilet and forgotten to zip his flies.

He has crossed a line here and is a dirty sleaze!

[Takingbackmonday]

I find this a little strange OP but I fully admit I might be the strange one...

It sounds as if you have trust issues with your DH (especially as you said you were jealous because he was FB friends with an ex... I don't see why that would be a problem...) and from your posts you clearly do not like nor trust his niece.Do you feel threatened by her, given his previous comments?

1 of 3 things happened; he cheated with her, he molested her (the most unlikely one IMO) or he went to check on her, sat on the bed, maybe got phone out and fell asleep. The trouser thing could just be comfort - if I'm wearing jeans I will often undo the top button if I'm lying on bed!

I hope you find out what happened and all works out. As everyone else says, focus on your husband.

[magoria]

How his niece was half an hour before your H went up has no bearing on how she was when he went up and for the hour he was up there. Any drink could have been continuing to affect her and making her less aware than she was at the start.

Bottom line is your H went upstairs to a drunk and vulnerable woman (maybe an asleep one), got into bed with her and ended up with his clothing undone.

Whether this was pre-arranged or not only your H and she know.

Personally it makes my skin crawl.

Sorry you find yourself in this position.

If it was pre-arranged he is a wanker messing around on you. If he got into bed with a drunk vulnerable woman he is possible a lot worse than just a cheat.

Either way I don't think I could stomach staying with such a man.

Look after yourself and your DC.

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

of course you are shocked. Anybody would be.

You are faced with wondering if your husband has been unfaithful with a willing partner or if he has sexually abused a woman too drunk to give consent.

That's a hell of a thing to take in.

One thing is for sure though, that missing hour? The unzipped fly? That is not 'nothing happened'. That is something happened. What that is is what you cannot know and I am sure he has no intention of telling you, not while he can hope that you will accept that he did all that and 'nothing' happened.

As for her being not comatose, well, you don't know that either. A person can walk up to bed and pass into a very very deep sleep as a result of alcohol. You have no way of knowing what state alcohol had put her in for that hour.

But nothing at all could or would have happened had your husband not gone to find her. Whatever happened was down to him.

you need time to process all this. It must have hit you like a sledgehammer. Is there really nobody in rl you could talk it through with?

[IHateWinter]

I think the scenario described by GlitzAndGiggles is most likely to be the truth of what happened.

Sounds like you DH has been fantasizing about his niece for some time and seized the opportunity when she was drunk to climb into bed with her and possibly molested her or attempted sex. She may be lying to cover up the fact that he tried something on. The fact that she actually got out of the bed shows that she was uncomfortable.

Your husband returned upstairs ostensibly to 'check on her' although she is a grown woman in bed. Why did he not insist that you go up? he was obviously in possession of his faculties, hence he said she needed checking on - how does it follow that he was suddenly so drunk that he ended up in bed with her?

I suspect that he has been inappropriate with her in the past. You mention very flippantly that he told her how attractive he finds her - not an appropriate thing to say to someone who, although not blood, has been raised to see you as an uncle.

He sounds like a dirty old man, sorry OP, and I wouldn't buy what he's saying.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You are confronting the wrong person OP, what is your H's attitude now?

[Dinah1]

I know it's not about her and he is the arsehole here but a few previous comments were saying I should of thought of her and her wellbeing (while i was in a shocked state) I'm sorry but I thought of my children first when the rage soared through my body..! was just pointing out that she wasn't in a state to she didn't know what was happening around her..that she was talking and walking and not in a comatose state..! And to people who ask about the relationship iv had for 15 years..well it's been pretty normal til now, we have our arguments like every other couple..as for betrayal this is my first experience..yes iv had a few jealous moments throughout the relationship if an ex has added him on Facebook or petty like that bit never have I had suspected infidelity..! We live a normal life, we work together with our own business, we don't socialise much due to work and the kids..most weekends are spent with a takeaway watching films at night and shopping or leisure actives with the boys during the day at weekend..swimming, rugby ect! My mum and dad have been together for 48 years and only slept with each other (never had another sexual partner) so I was brought up with pretty strong morals and that's why it took me 7 nearly 8 years before I married and knew for sure he was the one for me cause iv always wanted the same as my mum and dad and that's why I'm probably finding it hard to speak to them about this..I'm broken, confused and turned to here for advise ( which was hard as iv never done this in my life) but it's actually making me feel worse! ..I don't want to be with him anymore cause he's broken the trust and would find it very difficult to move on in the relationship with Sat nights events in mind! When I said my vows I ment every word (they were taken very seriously) and held deep in my heart..just a shame his didnt mean the same!

[Theoldhag]

Focus your attentions onto your husband, he is the one that seems to have crossed boundaries here.

If he did do anything this would make him an abuser.

[reyhansmummy]

he is lying!! tell him you know he's lying .. why is he in bed with another woman with his trousers unzipped .. especially while your in the house does he have no respect for you at all? you've been to calm over this x

[MiniTheMinx]

Maybe she hasn't lied, she was drunk. maybe she got out when she realised he was there, maybe she said she wasn't in there with him because she was disorientated. Maybe she has now said she was, because you told her she was. Does it matter? She isn't your problem, she didn't go after your husband.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

So you think it's her fault that dh went to her bed, got in and undid his trousers?

Surely not.

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

And you DON'T know what you would do. You only know what you think you would do, which is a different thing altogether.

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

I understand that it might be less painful for you to focus on her but dont do that.
HE is the sleeze here.
he has made innapropriate comments
he has gone looking for a drunk woman and crawled into bed with her
he has undone his trousers

these are all choices he has made and they make him a fairly revolting individual.

[GlitzAndGiggles]

Have you ever been drunk op? I have and if I climb in a bed I fall asleep and usually stay like that. He was probably up to stuff causing her to wake up and leave the room

[RhondaJean]

This is NOT about her, don't make that mistake.

[Dinah1]

Well she obviously lay beside him for an hour and didn't feel the need to get out the bed until I went upstairs, why didn't she get out the bed before hand, she was fit enough to get out it 5 or 10 mins after I went upstairs?! I know if a man climbed into bed with me (regardless of my state) Id get up and get out it ASAP)! Yes she was drunk and yes she was sick but she wasn't drunk to the point that she slurred her words or couldn't walk..she was alert and aware when she went to bed..! But why did she say she wasn't even in the same bed as him..it wasnt until i confronted her last night again and told I looked in the room and saw that she automatically said ohh yeah but as soon I woke up I got out..so she does remember! ..so why lye in the first place?