Dont love or fancy DH. He is kind and gentle. We have 4 kids. Should I stay?

[Kitttty]

No rows except when the frustration gets to me, or when he lets me down on tough life issues. He is very laid back, messy, unambitious - the opposite to me. After 30 years together (we met at school), 20 married, with a 7, 12, 13 and 15 year old - I just don't fancy him and I dint think I love him. I had a holiday in my own this time last year. I did not miss him one bit. We get on fine as friends we have many similar interests - but I would prefer to go out with my girlfriends. They make me laugh, entertain me and help me emotionally - he is emotionally inarticulate. Should I just gte through this until the kids are older for their sakes? I don't want anyone else.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Everyone advocating that the OP stay is a misogynist, end of. They are telling her that women don't matter, which is the entire structure of traditional marriage anyway - that women exist for the benefit of men and, to an extent, of children. 'Happy' family life is often constructed on the sacrifice of the woman.

OP, your H is actually abusive. He is lazy, selfish and considers you as something less than a person - and he has encouraged the DC to regard you as less than a person too - you exist to keep them comfortable, set boundaries and enforce the rules, but merit no care or consideration yourself.

It's fine for children to grow up with parents who are not in a romantic relationship. If one parent is lazy, selfish, misogynistic, violent or a substance abuser, that will create problems (and therefore that parent should be kept at a distance if possible) but marriage is a social construct, designed by men for men's benefit and therefore the more it's altered, destabilized or reduced in importance, the better.

[Lucylloyd13]

It depends on the balance of your needs.

If a safe warm nest is enough, so be it. Many women need a healthy sex life and without it things deteriorate, but wild sex without a safe warm nest is equally desperate.

[WhateverTrevor83]

If you've had enough, then leave.

This 'you have kids together' stuff isn't helpful. Seeing your parents in a passionless/loveless/boring relationships sets them up to not expect any excitement or passion in their own lives and usually puts them off commitment because it makes them think 'marriage = dull'. Which of course shouldn't be true.

I speak from experience. My parents were unhappy and stayed together too long. For a long time I kind of pitied my mum (sorry but I did) for getting so down-trodden. She finally emerged and got her mojo back - but about ten years too late (she herself admits).

You and your DH both deserve to have fun and passion in your lives. Do yourselves and your kids a favour and split up. Yes it will be tough but surely you'll be a better parent if you are happy and fulfilled.

Good luck - whatever you decide.

[thinking101]

saggy sorry, are you going to still stay?

It must be hard now you are poorly it leaves you more vulnerable when having to battle anxiety.

ria do you think it is a happy family unit where one parent is complete decial about his marriage to the extent where we lies about the violence of ther son. to me that is not a harmonious household.

I think the partnership between the two adults is the bedrock of the family. There are plenty 'bedrocks' built around one person and their extended also.

[LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob]

After reading this thread I don't know how you can stay with this man, you deserve so much more. His influence in your childrens lives has clearly not always been a positive one. He saw you beaten by your son then corroborated his lie that the incident didn't happen!!! What message does that give your son.

Put yourself first for once in your life and get yourself out of this suffocating situation.

[Matildathecat]

Tell your ds that if he ever hits! hurts or threatens you again you will call the police. Then do it.

Inform your DH that he must support you in the discipline of your dc regardless of their sn.

Hope you are able to sort this out op. He sounds like a fifth challenging child. One you can decide to leave. I think you'd do very well without him there and even your youngest will be fine.

I have a friend who has stayed in a loveless relationship for way too long 'for the dc'. They now think she's mad now they are old enough to 'get' what's going on. It's a bad role model for their perception of adult relationships. Just try to keep it civil and no using the kids as pawns.

Good luck.

Ps I really mean it about the police. They will be very understanding. There has been a lot in The press lately about DV by teens.

[RiaOverTheRainbow]

I think marriage vows are worth less than the happiness of a family.

[saggytummy]

I read this the other day and stayed quiet but can't. Over 4 years ago I fell out of love with my husband and confided in a close relative, was advised to stay. 4 years on I am now suffering anxiety disorder after always having a happy stable mood. Don't let your health suffer. I felt it was best to stay but the pretence has become too much even for me, the
Person who friends turn to and confide in.

[Klingyston]

Do you all think that marriage vows are worth nothing then?

[thinking101]

Relate can help people to seperate ammicably to gain an understanding and get 'closure'. But please if you dont like your first counsellor try another one.

I think you've had a lot of post/views to think about. Take your time to get used to the idea.

[juneau]

Fair enough - Relate is a good place to start. But I really think you need to get the message through to your DH that IT IS OVER. From what you've said it sounds like he thinks you're going through some little blip of irritation with him and that you'll get over it at some point and everything will go back to how it was before. His refusal to accept your attempt at separation before Christmas also shows that he's not taking you seriously. If you really are serious this time, you need to start preparing everyone for what is to come.

[Kitttty]

I think for now I will try to cope by making arrangements to live separate lives for now. I also will get back in touch with Relate - who we saw in Dec - but I think I need to do this on my own.

[LosingItSlowly]

I think living an honest life is always the better choice. Once you are in an unhappy marriage, there can be fallout for the children whichever path you take, so you may as well take the path toward change and growth, than a path that sees your own life and happiness slowly eaten away while your children watch.

I also think that looking after yourself the way you would want your child to look after themselves is a reasonable guide. After all, you are one of their most powerful role models.

I would never teach my daughter to let her own life be trampled for the sake of what she thinks will keep her children happy. Make some sacrifices, sure (I think we all do happily), but never to lay down and give up on herself like her own life doesn't matter.

[Celestae]

He sounds just like my ex, I decided to leave in the end, my son was quite young... But I thought at the time, it's much better to see us being friends and not getting at each other because it just doesn't work anymore... He still has my son a lot and he is welcome to come here, he even babysits for me twice a month... IMO it's better to do what makes you happy.. You can still be on good terms with him. Maybe even on better terms afterwards

[drudgetrudy]

I would suggest initially identifying 2 or 3 areas where it would make most difference to you if he took responsibility. I think helping you to establish a clear rule of no physical aggression from the children and fully backing you on following through with consequences is essential. Following that I would add a couple of easier measurable "jobs" you expect him to do, such as cooking so many nights per week or dealing with household paperwork, whatever would make your life easier. You may need to show him what to do as he has been treating you like his mummy for so long. If you don't see an improvement I would insist that he sits down with you and explains to the children that you have made a joint decision to separate and will both still be their parents and be fully committed to them. (Not that you have thrown him out.)

[juneau]

Sorry - that all sounds rather cold now I read it back. The gist of what I want to say OP is that I think you've been thinking of everyone else and slogging your guts out for far too long - time to start thinking 'What do I want?'. And get that lazy H of yours to start pulling his weight.

[thinking101]

horrified.

[thinking101]

Detach, keep yourself busy, anything to get through to the summer for GCSE's to be finished.

Then leave. Its not tenable long term.

Im hrrified at your description of your son hitting you and the role he took. Why is your son so agressive towards you?

[juneau]

Okay, well in that case separate bedrooms is a good start. If nothing else it will start to mentally prepare your DC for the day when one of you (I'm assuming him), will leave for good.

I would want an agreement on the DC's behaviour and consequences which he also has to enforce and back you up on. A zero tolerance policy on violence is clearly necessary.

I would tell him which household tasks are his responsibility and hold him to them. Tell him which ones you will be taking on.

If you are truly to live separate lives then perhaps you both having one night 'off' a week might be nice too. You can either go out or stay in, but the other parent is 100% in charge. A weekend off per month or something might give you some of the freedom you clearly need and prepare everyone too for the day when you are no longer a couple any more.

Again, given that you've decided to give this plan a go, what do YOU want to happen? I think you'll probably find that you have some very clear ideas if you start jotting them down.

[Kitttty]

My ideal outcome would be for us to separate - he is what he is - I don't think he has any emotional empathy or intelligence - and I know he is not capable of changing. I just want to parent better on my own. I get nothing from the relationship apart from stress.

But I don't want to stress my children out or have them judge me as the bitch from hell who kicked out their mild mannered Dad.....hence the Q how do I stick it out for the sake of the children?

So I will attempt separate lives under the same roof for a few months (my oldest is in the middle of GCSEs). I need to know what boundaries/conditions/demands to put in place. I know he would do anything to stay.

He has been back 6 weeks since our trial separation. But in effect he never left. He was here every evening under some excuse, stayed weekends and I let him back earlier that the agreed month as I felt sorry for him. Today when I said I wanted him to move out of our bedroom he said "we are not back to that stuff again - I thought I had dealt with all of your gripes" then "but its all been great in the last 6 weeks - we have got on well, not rowed, gone out together, talked loads..." I asked him to tell me when we went out and talked etc.....he couldn't recall an occasion.

[HellsGranny]

Sorry, for some reason the whole thread didn't load & I didn't see Kitty's last post, I'm not in her position at all & I'm sorry if I've offended anyone.

[HellsGranny]

I'm in the OP's position, we have 2 young children but I don't think I love my husband any more. It's fairly amicable at the moment but frankly it's making me miserable. If I could wave a magic wand & fall back in love with him I would, but I can't.

We're going to Relate & trying to make it work, but I honestly don't know if it will.

The way we are is severely affecting my mental health, earlier today I honestly thought I was heading for a breakdown (have had one before so I don't use the term lightly). But according to some of this thread I should stay regardless. I honestly don't know what to do right now.

I know my husband loves me & I don't want to hurt him, he knows how I feel but I think would be happy for me to stay knowing I didn't love him.

I've already been divorced before, I fell out of love then too, so I think I just suck at relationships.

Sorry this is turning into a long ramble, I'm just very confused.

[juneau]

What do YOU want to happen?

If you could envisage your ideal outcome here, what would it be?

[wyrdyBird]

He is not mild mannered, Kittty.
He is just stone cold. I'm sorry.

He didn't stop the assault before you hit the ground...didn't even check to see you if you were ok....then denied having seen it (gaslighting)?

Said you were 'having a lovely time' when you'd just made a shattering trip to the police station...:(

I don't know how you have stayed this long, but I admire your strength very much. I hope you will seek some support and counselling as soon as you can. Please don't stay with this man (and I don't say this lightly).