Husband not answering me when I speak to him.

[nosextoday]

On a regular basis h doesn't answer me when I speak to him or ask a question.

This problem has been going on for years and he knows I hate it. It sometimes leads to an argument.

Recently, he has learnt that he can avoid an argument by telling me that he did in fact answer me It's bullshit of course as my hearing is fine. Is this a low level form of gaslighting?

I have felt depressed recently (on medication) and told him that all the sex abuse stuff in the media has been affecting me and I've been experiencing flashbacks. I explained to him that I feel ignored in general because the CPS didn't take my case to court due to lack of evidence. This has really affected me and I feel angry about it.

He knows how much ignoring me hurts me yet still he does it.

I can't love anybody really and only exist here as it suits me to do so. My emotional life died long ago. I only remain for security. I love my dcs, but they'll grow up and leave. The only thing that keeps me going is my medication. I sometimes dream of killing myself. He doesn't know how low I feel.

I know you'll all tell me to LTB but, truth is, I just can't be bothered.

[NameChangeNugget]

Zombie thread alert

[hellsbellsmelons]

"oh, the cat needs feeding"
YOU: Well then get off your lazy fucking arse and feed the fucking cat
"the litter tray needs attention"
Off you go then. Why is it my job? You've been home all day doing fuck all so I'm having a sit down and you'll have to deal with it!
Stop pandering to him.
Stop trying to talk to him.
There's no point anyway.
Just get on with your life.
And put all his mess in bin bags and put it outside or in the shed.

[Laylajaney]

My husband has ignored me for yrs.He says hes writing something on his laptop or playing some game.He is fine when we re out ,we very often have a nice time.
Recently he had an affair with an ex girlfriend he contacted on line. It was someone hed known 40yrs before.
I became ligally separated from him because this was final straw.
He wont move out of family home because its jointly owned .Im looking at selling up and thinking of finally moving miles away to enable me get a decent house in a nice place. Its sad because I will leave my extended family behind. Including grandchildren. They can visit though.
He has continued as he always has .Im a quiet person and barely speak to him- Im undemanding. Even if say the occasional sentence seems too much for him. He is a loner really maybe shouldnt have married . It gets me down. Get out while you are young.

[NaBiAgOl]

Wow, i know you say you can't be bothered to leave him but if you never express a need to him (never mind have it met) if you do housework and go to work and come home again, then it may be HASSLE splitting up but your life will OPEN up if you do leave.

[Hidingtonothing]

Sakhi, if you click where it says Relationships at the top of this thread it will give you a list of all the threads on this board. You will then have an 'add thread' option which will enable you to post your own new thread. Please do that, your situation sounds unbearable and you will get more replies and support that way

[Sakhi]

My husband ignores me & doesn't even acknowledge when I say anything.
I also suffered abuse as a minor. Have been married for over 30 years. No one knew about my abuse until 10years ago.
Husband “not responding” & not giving any emotional support has got worst.
Now the kids have flown the nest, it’s teally hard to put up with him.
However, his behaviour is nothing to do with my depression, abuse & im generally a quiet person & donot go on yapping needlessly!
I’m beginning to realise that actually he’s a very insecure & week man. He’s scared shit of my emotional strength & good relations with my kids. He has spent a whole married life putting me down for that reason. I’m still doing ok & he’s been looking more & more of an idiot who spends his life staring at his mobile/iPad screen. He’s totally missing out on life. Most bizarre is that when on holiday in a different country, he stares at google maps on phone instead of looking what’s around.
Not hearing me example- he’s in the room & is going to the kitchen, I say “please could you put this cup in the sink” he says nothing goes down to the kitchen, comes back up & takes the cup down!! What I noticed is he HAS to NOT do anything I say. Makes him feels like lesser man??
At times I actually say “don’t take the cup to sink”. It works!
Basically his treatment of neglect towards me, deliberately choosing not to answer me etc is in a way “controlling” behaviour. For the first time my therapist has helped me see this. Explains why he stares at google maps whist in taxi on holiday. He’s actually highly incapable & nervous but covers up by bullying me.
Bottom line is that he’s a narcissist! & is getting worst with age as he’s not able to keep up.
His only contribution to me & kids has been that he earns a lot. & he RUBS that IN!
I spent years saying “I’m not interested in money, but in your time & attention”. I used to constantly not spend, save where I could etc to prove my point. But now I’ve given up. That’s all I’m going to get so have decided to use it. I ignore his rubbing in & use his money freely. Occasionally I thank him. Makes him feel big & under control. So I’m using his weaknesses for my benefit. It’s very lonely & tiring situation. But tho I’ve mentioned various times that since I’m ‘invisible’ anyway, how about a divorce. He won’t have it & I know he’ll do all possible to stop me. Use my kids etc. once home alone, I tried to end my life but came around. Tried to get help. The ambulance came after he’d come home. Confusingly asked what’s going on. They said you’re wife’s not well. All irritated, he went upstairs & never came down. Day after hospital told him that I’d take tan overdose. He told them it was an accident. My shoulder was hurting so I probably took extra due to pain! They still spelt it out but affect lasted only a few weeks.
I’m now trying to live in same house but have my own life using his money. Don’t think he’ll care even if I had an affair. Tho I couldn’t be bothered with that either. I’m worn out & given up on relationships. I seek new interests - arts & crafts, yoga, walking, meditation etc. have moved to a separate bedroom. He tried asking me why? Used his trick & didn’t answer! grin

[PicsInRed]

🧟‍♀️

[PicsInRed]

OP, my ex had some strong similarities to yours. I found that my mental health improved beyond measure (even with the post-separation abuse) when he left. Have you considered that locking yourself in the house at night with a man who doesn't seem to even like you very much, could be producing a fight or flight response, which manifests as mental illness? Hostages are rarely mentally well. Getting rid isn't a cure-all, but it can be a cure-most.

[category12]

@sakhi, why don't you start a new thread for yourself, this one is quite old and won't get you many responses?

[maras2]

This thread is over 5 years old.
ZOMBIE.

[Sakhi]

Sorry for some spelling errors. Hope it still makes sense. It’s me that’s depressed not him. Quite =quiet

[Sakhi]

Well in a strange way I’m relieved that I’m not the only one.
I also suffered abuse as a minor. Have been married for over 30 years. No one knew about my abuse until 10years ago.
Husband “not responding” & not giving any emotional support has got worst.
Now the kids have flown the nest, it’s teally hard to put up with him.
However, his behaviour is nothing to do with depression, abuse & im generally a quite person & donot go on yapping needlessly!
I’m beginning to realise that actually he’s a very insecure & week man. He’s scared shit of my emotional strength & good relations with my kids. He has spent a whole married life putting me down for that reason. I’m still doing ok & he’s been looking more & more of an idiot who spends his life staring at his mobile/iPad screen. He’s totally missing life. Most bizarre is that when on holiday in a different country, he stares at google maps on phone instead of looking what’s around.
Not hearing me example- he’s in the room & is going to the kitchen, I say “please could you put this cup in the sink” he says nothing goes down to the kitchen, comes back up & tajes the cup down!! What I noticed is he HAS to NOT do anything I say. Makes him feels like lesser man??
At times I actually say “don’t take the cup to sink”. It works!
Basically his treatment of neglect towards me, deliberately choosing not to answer me etc is in a way “controlling” behaviour. For the first time my therapist has helped me see this. Explains why he stares at google maps whist in taxi on holiday. He’s actually highly incapable & nervous but covers up by bullying me.
Bottom line is that he’s a narcissist! & is scared of me so is getting worst.
His only contribution to me & kids has been that he earns a lot. & he RUBS that IN!
I spent years saying “I’m not interested in money, but in your time & attention”. I used to constantly not spend, save where I could etc to prove my point. But now I’ve given up. That’s all I’m going to get. I ignore his rubbing in & use his money freely. Occasionally I thank him. Makes him feel big & under control. So I’m using his weaknesses for my benefit. It’s very lonely & tiring situation. But tho I’ve mentioned various times that since I’m ‘invisible’ anyway, how about a divorce. He won’t have it & I know he’ll do all possible to stop me. Use my kids etc. so I’m now trying to live in same house but have my own life using his money. Don’t think he’ll care even if I had an affair. Tho I couldn’t be bothered with that either. I’m worn out & given up on relationships. I seek new interests - arts & crafts, yoga, walking, meditation etc. have moved to a separate bedroom. He tried asking me why? Used his trick & didn’t answer!

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

I think you need some form of therapy/counselling because you function externally well but internally you are screaming. That suggests to me that your tablets aren't working and you need to talk to someone. It appears that you are both v unhappy & are responding to your unhappiness with each other in a v dysfunctional way i.e. You cant be bothered with the marriage but don't want to leave because of the security if offers. He probably has picked up on this hence the reason why he is ignoring you. It is time to break the cycle.

[Mellowandfruitful]

Agree with everyone else. While you are gathering the energy to leave him, do what deathwatchbeetle suggests. If he keeps 'mentioning' things like the cat needing feeding, say 'Oh, would you feed her/him then, please?' As for the washing, I would stop both doing it and asking him to bring it down. When he asks why, you call tell him that since you never got an answer when you asked him to get it down, you have stopped bothering. Oh, and when he tells you he did answer you, borrow Andie McDowell's line from 4 Weddings and say 'I think we both know that's a big lie', and leave the room.

All of this is just to start the process of pushing back that hopefully will get you angry enough to go.

[TemperamentalAroundCorvids]

I was fucking miserable for decades and took the meds, and even got a diagnosis of bipolar. During the last 5 years or so of our marriage, my H did exactly what yours is doing, and I began to realise that the meds wer helping me cope with him, and that my childhood depression had been replaced by depression in my marriage, and because of my marriage.

My depression lifted the moment I filed for divorce. Sure, it was replaced by extreme stress for a year till I actually got him out, and that did cause a short term mh problem because I was still under the same roof. Once he had finally gone, I took some time to complete the healing process from the abuse, but my mh issues had gone.

Please find a way out. There will be one.

[Dirtybadger]

Just like to say you can appeal against the CPS's decision (if you feel they should review it). Other than that I am sending you the strength to leave him.

[Deathwatchbeetle]

Next time you park your arse down and he starts pointing out the cats needs (much as I hate to say this because I love cats and also you will inevitably have to do so because he is apparently unable to physically do this himself because he is a lazy arse), give him a bit of the silent treatment. Be absolutely fascinated with whatever crap is on TV - even if it is Noel Edmonds!

If he keeps on and on at you suggest he does it himself then because you have earned a sit down.

If he doesn't bring washing down it does not get washed -by you. Cook whatever you fancy for dinner - pointless asking him what he wants to eat as he will only ignore you. This all means you will have to do everything (which I suspect you are already doing), you will have to check the coal situation as he won't even answer you.

Surely it is better to get away/chuck him out than this. hardly a relationship, living with a stuffed owl.

[mammadiggingdeep]

You're prob depressed because you live with an abusive man. I've been on the end if this ignoring thing- it's about power.

I can remember screaming at the top of my voice "I have a voice...hear me!!!!!!" That's when I knew I couldn't carry on with it...awful.

[SolidGoldBrass]

OK, this man is abusive. I would strongly suggest starting to plan your exit from this relationship. Please don't waste any more time or energy trying to find the magic button that will make him change, because he won't.

[Helpyourself]

So why are you still with him?

[nosextoday]

I don't need support because of my mental health problems. I take my medication and they work very well. I hide how I really feel inside. I don't put any emotional demands on him at all. I just clean the house and go to work. On the outside, I'm very effective and function well. On the inside I'm screaming because of all the housework, stuff in the media and general drudge of it all whilst he sits around drinking tea. He's a LL and doesn't have to work, so no excuses not to do a bit of housework and keep his things tidy. At the moment, he just feels like a burden. Like an overgrown child who really should start taking responsibility for things. I don't clean up after him I just leave his things messy but it gets me down because it's a small house.

He knows these things get me down. He knows ignoring me gets me down. If I sit down to watch tv, he's like "oh, the cat needs feeding" or "the litter tray needs attention" (I clean it out every day, so it's never bad). It's like he can't stand seeing me sitting down.

I don't talk constantly either. What I say to him are reasonable questions and requests such as "do we have enough coal in" and "please can you bring your washing down". I'm not nagging, sarcastic or unpleasant

[CarryOnDancing]

CromeYellow, are you the OP's husband or just an emotional idiot? As if there's ever a situation that calls for the immaturity of just ignoring someone?! Especially when they know their partner is hurting.

OP, you are currently carrying a lot of emotional weight because of the abuse you have encountered and it's absolutely terrible that your own DH would add to this burden-and knowingly so. It really is unforgivable imo. I really hope you manage to find some strength to continue this battle alone. I agree with pp's who say that you need to take this journey alone and not count on your DH for support. It seems he's enjoying not giving it to you and in doing so is jut hurting you-this isn't what you do to someone you love so you can discount him as having your interests at heart.

Please speak to your GP about counselling and get any idea out of your head that on someway you deserve to carry this burden. You don't owe your husband anything buy you owe it you yourself and children to be happy. The very best of luck!!

[mammadiggingdeep]

My ex did this. It is nothing you are doing and it is not (as a poster upthread said) anything to do with him picking up on you not liking him!!! He's abusive. It's gas lighting.

[flippinada]

Hang on - where does OP say she is constantly talking?

WRT the point about it being hard to support someone with ongoing MH issues - yes it is. But this isn't a recent thing, op says it's been going on foor years. Turn it round. Wouldn't you feel depressed if someone who's supposed to love and care for you has effectively been ignoring you for years?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Even if he is finding it hard to deal with my issues he should not ignore you. He can be worn out and still offer support. Sounds like a dick tbh.