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Relationships

Is he out of order or am I too clingy?

88 replies

Gladys71 · 14/01/2014 10:19

I'm totally fed up with my relationship. My partner never wants to do anything with me, would rather spend hours playing battlefield whilst I sit in the living room alone then spend any time with me. I feel like he's just using me to help him pay the mortgage and as someone to travel with. Whenever I bring up marriage he shuts down, says his last one was traumatic and he can't think about that for years (I do however have suspicions that this is simply him financially protecting himself) and despite how many times I've asked him to name me on the mortgage and him saying he will sort it out he still hasn't after a year of living here and me paying half of it saying its "awkward" and would cost us money we could spend on other things.
He went away with work Monday morning to return this evening. Sunday night we'd arranged to watch a movie together - it got to 9pm and he finally drags himself off battlefield and says we might not have time for the movie now as he still hasn't sorted anything out for his trip. He'd had ALL DAY (I was at work all day and kids at their dads, he had the house to himself!). Like I say he'd rather play on battlefield. He begrudgingly comes to watch the movie half hour later and it turned out to have tons of marriage references in it. It just upsets me, he won't even talk about it. So anyway he says he'll call me from his hotel room last night. It got to 11.30pm so I sent him a text saying "take it I'm not getting this phone all then? Goodnight anyway" no reply but I could see he'd read it. I couldn't sleep and it is out of character for him to ignore a text so I called him, no reply. I sent another text saying "are you ignoring me or what? At least let me know you're ok" (as I said, out of character) and still no reply.
Am I just a mug or what? To add insult to injury I stumbled across a load of pics and videos of his ex wife on the computer last night, even a video of her walking around topless. I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

OP posts:
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Offred · 14/01/2014 12:05

He sounds more and more like a prize each time you post!

The kind of knobber who'd zoom in and out on my privates whilst filming me is the kind of knobber who'd be out on his ear quicker than he could say "tits"... Not sure why you'd want someone who treats women like they're in a carry on film?

You say he'd be angry if he found similar on your computer? This is concerning given he doesn't actually show you any love or care at all, from your other posts.

What is the relationship actually like? You've mentioned he is inconsiderate, distant and tight. How does he speak to you? What's his general attitude to women like?

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OddFodd · 14/01/2014 12:07

HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU. MOVE OUT

Apologies for shouting but you don't appear to be reading the thread

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kotinka · 14/01/2014 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fiftyandfab · 14/01/2014 12:14

I'm seconding every single response you've had here OP. Jeez, I'd feel degraded to give head space to these thoughts (sorry) let alone writing them down Sad

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Joysmum · 14/01/2014 12:15

You're flogging a dead horse if you can't even get him to talk.

It's only natural for people to carry baggage from previous history but when the find the right person, the only hope is to work through that baggage together rather than try to forget it. If he doesn't want to try to do that then there's not a lot of hope I'm afraid.

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MyNameIsKenAdams · 14/01/2014 12:18

Tbh Id pack my bags today and be gone by the end of it.

Ignore all calls and dobt tell hin where you have gone.

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BirdersWife · 14/01/2014 12:31

IF you want to stay with him (and that's a very big IF) it's not the mortgage you need to be on it's the house title. The mortgage makes you liable for all of the debt on the house (not just half) without giving you any ownership interest.

It may be financially difficult to transfer you onto the house title especially if he is locked into a mortgage on favourable terms which you couldn't get now. The lender could use the title change to force you to remortgage with a higher interest rate.

He sounds like a complete pillock by the way and he won't get better if he marries you.

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fiftyandfab · 14/01/2014 12:34

Ignore all calls and dobt tell hin where you have gone.

Might be good advice IF he bothered to call you. Do him a favour and put a card in the newsagent's window advertising for the next lodger.

Sorry OP....it's loud and clear Hmm

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Grumpasaurus · 14/01/2014 12:35

Definitely, definately, definitely leave. You deserve better. Leave him to pay his mortgage along and play battlefield to his heart's content. Find a real man!

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Trofast · 14/01/2014 12:47

You don't love him. You really don't. You don't love yourself much either so focus on that and start by leaving him with a sneer and flourish and don't look back.

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SolidGoldBrass · 14/01/2014 12:54

How on earth did you get to the point where you are this self-loathing and desperate? Was the father of your DC violent, so you have picked a man who ignores you and exploits you financially as that's preferable to one who beats you up? Were you brought up by people who peddle woman-hating religion so that you believe that any man in your life is better than not having one?

You needto get out of this relationship and then look into some counselling or therapy so that you don't move straight in with another dickhead - because, unless you sort yourself out, you will go from this arsehole to one who is a substance abuser, a self-hating closet gay, a serial fanny rat or a crook, because your boundaries and ideas of relationships are so fucked up.

You don't have to live like this and nor do your DC.

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firesidechat · 14/01/2014 13:21

Leaving aside all the other things that are wrong with this relationship, I am curious about why there are so few comments about the OP being on the mortgage/ deeds. Do you think that after a year of moving in with a partner everyone should have a share of the house because that is surely what it means?

The OP's partner has behaved badly in many ways, but I can't see what he has done wrong here. If this was a woman saying that her partner had lived with her for a year and wanted to go on the mortgage I would be very interested in the responses.

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Offred · 14/01/2014 13:23

Fireside - not so much the length of time together but I would not be paying for my bf to buy himself a house. If he doesn't want to share the title then he should pay for his own mortgage.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2014 13:28

@firesidechat. As he is expecting the OP to pay not just a share of the bills but a share of the mortgage, and as the context here is a 'forever' arrangement with marriage being mentioned etc, I don't think she's being unreasonable for wanting some security.

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firesidechat · 14/01/2014 13:35

I know it isn't quite the same in a relationship, but isn't paying a share of the household costs a bit like paying rent? I've never lived with anyone apart from my husband, and we married first, so I've no first hand experience of how this sort of thing works. I'm not being difficult, just curious.

In this case at least there seems to be a huge difference of attitude between the OP and her partner. I'm not sure if this relationship has a future just because of that.

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firesidechat · 14/01/2014 13:37

Also, is there really talk of marriage? There is from the OP, but I suspect not so much from her partner. Hence why she is so desperate.

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Twinklestein · 14/01/2014 13:38

It sounds as if he may be trying to end the relationship anyway OP - by behaving badly enough that you call it a day.

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Kewcumber · 14/01/2014 13:41

It sounds as if he may be trying to end the relationship anyway OP - by behaving badly enough that you call it a day.

Amen to that - it reeks of it doesn't it.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2014 13:41

You're quite right. I think the OP has made a lot of wrong assumptions about the nature of the relationship, not least the marriage aspect, but she has kids, thought the partnership is permanent and I can understand why she'd want to have some kind of certainty about the roof over their heads. Not that being on the mortgage achieves that, of course.

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Offred · 14/01/2014 13:45

Potentially, if someone pays some of the mortgage whilst living in your home then they can take you to court and claim a share in the house so if you own a house and have a partner move in and you don't want them to have a claim then you should ensure they never pay money towards the mortgage (splitting bills is separate).

It's expensive to assert the right in court so people generally don't do it but the general principle with partners rather than lodgers is that you're not renting them a room, they are your partner and can expect a share unless you make it clear you have not agreed to this if they are paying. Getting put on the deeds or getting married makes it easier and cheaper for people to assert their rights but there are still claims for people living as a partner.

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BitOutOfPractice · 14/01/2014 13:49

OP why woud you want to coerce / force someone to marry you? That sounds like a surefire route to misery to me

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Gladys71 · 14/01/2014 14:22

I've still not heard from him. This is so out of character I'm having to stop myself from texting to ask if he's ok. I won't but it's in the back of my head that something might have happened to him, that's how out of character it is. Don't get me wrong, he often promises phonecalls and doesn't call but he ALWAYS texts the next morning with some bullshit excuse but this time, literally nothing.

Anyway, that aside I've suggested ending the relationship numerous times and he always says he doesn't want to. I've given him so many opportunities to end it.

The thing is, before we moved in together he was all "yeah I'd definitely get married again!" and "the house will always be in both our names" and then when talking about couples who spend a lot of time apart he would say he couldn't understand relationships like that etc. I feel like I've moved in with a different bloke.

OP posts:
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Offred · 14/01/2014 14:26

You don't need his agreement to end it.

I think it is obvious it is doing you no good staying together.

He sounds confusing, can understand why you're confused but it really isn't doing you any good and you'd be so much better apart.

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shey02 · 14/01/2014 14:55

You sound like a loving person, with alot to give to someone. I think you can do better than him though. :)

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Kewcumber · 14/01/2014 14:58

I've suggested ending the relationship numerous times and he always says he doesn't want to

Of course he doesn't - why would he bother. Breaking up sounds like way more effort than any effort he's putting into your relationship. He's not going to end it because it suits him just fine the way it is.

If he's not replying then its way more likely that he's mentally moved on than thats there's anything wrong. Sorry I've been where you are and its as clear as day. I've even broken up and been persuaded back by the protestations of "I really think I'm nearly ready to commit now". What a big fat waste of 2 years that turned out to be.

What on earth do your childrne think of this non-relationship that they are living with, or does he not have much to do with them either?

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