Can anyone help me to cope with this? I separated from H in July after 23 yrs together, 16 married, 2 dcs. He'd never been interested in family life, I did most things for dcs as well as working ft. Once the dcs came along he became emotionally cold, never wanted to do anything with me, no affection, v little sex. Caught him 3 times having online relationships with other women.
We called it a day in July, he wanted a divorce. I wasn't ready to accept it was over but then found yet another online affair so filed for divorce. He moved out in Sept.
He's been quite emotionally unstable since then, seems very down, still moaning and complaining about everything. No different to before. I've been much happier, things much calmer at home, kids fine.
The divorce should be through in the next month or so. So I've started seeing a new guy. It's nothing too serious but it's nice to have the odd fun night out, he's very affectionate and nice. I enjoy seeing him when I can.
H has been quite unpredictable over Xmas about when he can have the children. He's changed his mind a few times and it's been quite hard to plan anything (both work and social) because I never know when he's having them over.
So I had a talk with him yesterday, firstly to check we were still ok to divorce, that we've made the right decision in separating etc. Yes, both all fine, agreed we were moving on. I decided to tell him I was seeing a guy, because I hate lying about where I am and if there's a problem with the dcs while they're with him I'd rather be where I say I am rather than creeping about. I confirmed that I wasn't going to tell the children, and that new guy wasn't going to come to my (was our) house for a long time yet. But I'm not someone who can lie so I wanted it out in the open. He seemed ok about it.
Today however, exh has obviously had time to digest this and has come round and had a major meltdown. Apparently he's had the worst Xmas ever (so have I) none of my family want anything to do with him (both my mum and sister have contacted him and sent birthday cards & presents)
He didn't get any texts on NYE (can't believe that, but I certainly didn't send him one) and had an awful night (so did I) He's coming next week to throw out all his stuff that's left in my house so that there's nothing of his here when another man comes here. I've told him he's not been and won't be doing.
He wanted to know when I started seeing him (in Nov) and just looked like a broken man.
I'm worried about him. I know I shouldn't be but I hate to see anyone so upset, and even though he broke me into little pieces I can't bring myself to hate him 
He cried and so did I, and we hugged. I don't ever want him back, but it's horrible seeing him like that. He doesn't appear to have anyone to talk to. (although the week he was leaving he was messaging some woman arranging to meet up so don't know what's happened to her)
Come on. Tell me to pull myself together. Please?
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Exh losing it, what do I do?
RollerCola · 03/01/2014 20:49
gosh you've got a lot going on. your post at 10.22 shows you can turn that corner though. remember that. its hard after you've been in touch with someone in one way or another for so many years to have no contact. but it is the reality of his choices and will help you move forward as well. you are sounding so strong. going to try and emulate some if that 
He's text me today so he's definitely still alive 
Have arranged a time for the children to see him tomorrow and now apparently he's out with some friends, in the pub presumably.
So hopefully he's now over yesterday's little meltdown. Hopefully I've actually given him something to think about and maybe it'll be the push he needs to actually take control of his own life for once and move on himself.
Thank you mothership you're very kind
And yes yes I'm too nice Time to find my inner 'Don't give a Fuck, Fucker'
I need to toughen up. I know I do, it's been a fault of mine all my life and one which stopped me calling a day on all this at least 5 years ago.
He has cleared most of his stuff out already, there's just some big furniture type things, and stuff in the garage. I'm not bothered by them, they can stay there forever. But he wants everything that was his 'out' so there's nothing of his here if some other man's going to be coming round. Sigh 
Ok time for action. No more contact unless to arrange dc visits. No asking how he is, no asking the children how he is. I don't care how he is. I look after myself and protect my children. I will be polite when I see him but will keep a distance.
And next week I will be chasing up my divorce.
Thanks for thinking of me this morning, I read the 'I'm gonna kill myself' thread and it did help. It was almost comical if I wasn't so upset about it
Feel bit better this morning, my migraine has gone but I think ds is coming down with something as I've been up 3 times in the night to him. He was all hot and was having night terrors and nose bleeds.
Again, it's so much better when my ex isn't around. I can almost feel the calm in the air. When I see him the tension comes right back. I am still worried about him but haven't contacted him and I won't do unless it's about the children.
I am fighting with contacting either his mum or sister though now to ask them to check he's ok. They aren't really in touch like I am with my family - not for any bad reason, they just leave him alone (like I should be doing!) His mum seems to have taken my side and when she does contact him it's usually because she's telling him off about something.
I think the upshot is, after behaving the way he has for all these years, he's now finding that he's not got many allies because most people he knows thinks he's a bit of a twat. He doesn't understand that though because in his head he honestly doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He believes that we both just grew apart and decided amicably that we should separate.
My take on it is obviously quite different to that and I've not particularly held back on telling people about his behaviour and the online affair stuff. I don't know what he's said about me, he never seemed to be able to tell me what I'd done or not done that was so bad for him.
So I think friends and family really are keeping a wide berth from him. And it hurts him. There's no one to see how terrible he feels. He just puts a pained expression on his face and waits for everyone to ask how he is. Only they don't.
It's horrible to see, but it's not my job to make him happy any more. Sorry I'm rambling a bit now. It's really helping to get it out though, thank you so much for your replies.
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The phrase "dog in a manager" comes to mind - he doesn't want you, but he'll be damned if he lets you see anyone else (had an ex years ago who was a bit like that). Nothing & no-one can be permitted to take his rightful place as the absolute centre of your life, not even his own DCs.
Rather pathetic IMO, as it suggests to me that his self-esteem muct be very low if he's so dependant on your adoration 
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