So, DH is crossdressing again..

[DaddyPigInADress]

He doesn't know I know, and the stress is eating me up, but Christmas is nearly here.

DH has a number of fetishes/vices I found out about in 2010. While I don't enjoy or participate in them, mostly it doesn't bother me and I don't care. He tends to indulge when I am away or out for the evening, and only if in the mood, so a few times a year. Crossdressing, while the most harmless of the lot, does bother me disproportionately. It makes my flesh creep and I cannot find a man who crossdresses sexually attractive. I first became aware of it in early 2010 but then it was only a prop for a particular fantasy/fetish, so I didn't pay much attention. However he started dressing up more and more throughout the year, and I asked him to tone it down because I was getting uncomfortable with the frequency and intensity. He didn't buy me a birthday card because he "didn't have time" but was always coming home with armloads of dresses from primark, new look and river island.

Anyway in February 2011 I walked in on him one morning dressed up, and I knew it wasn't for fetish purposes (because I'd accidentally surprised him an hour or so earlier, masturbating, in a different outfit). Something changed immediately, it just flipped my stomach and I got super uncomfortable and walked out and went driving for an hour or so. When I returned he tried to initiate sex and I just couldn't bear him near me. After an uncomfortable discussion he agreed to only do it while I was away or out. But I couldn't shake it from my mind.

I agonized for most of the next year. Collapsing on the floor howling at sad songs on the radio while he was at work, generally mourning my marriage, faking orgasms when we had sex but holding him tightly so he wouldn't see me crying over his shoulder, etc. it was a shit year. When I was home alone in the day I'd plan the conversation where I told him I was leaving, but be pathetically grateful to see him the minute he walked in the door. Every time he went to kiss me I'd see the costumes in my mind and just wish I was anywhere else. It killed my sex drive stone dead. I went away for work for a month and didn't even masturbate myself, I just got too depressed even trying.

We didn't talk about it. Our other conversations hadn't gone well and he was very defensive. Understandable that if you open up about something so secret, and your partner initially accepts but then rejects you, you're going to be defensive, right? So we didn't talk about it. I didn't want to hurt my best friend any more and I had nothing nice to say - so I said nothing. Eventually he saw me checking replies to a forum we both use (and I no longer do), which prompted a conversation. I stressed that I didn't want him to change who he was, I had no interest in in forcing him to be someone he wasn't, but I couldn't be with a man who crossdresses. He swore it was something he did, not something he was, that he could give it up straight away, bin the clothes and bear no anger or resentment toward me for it (one of my fears). And to be fair to him, it's been over two years now and he has only ever mentioned it once, indirectly, in an argument. I said I couldn't promise we could ever get the spark back, but we both gave it a shot. And soon afterwards I fell pregnant and the joy and excitement of having our son took over.

It was never the same for me again though. I've never felt the same way about my otherwise wonderful husband - 95% at best! but it was pretty good and I always felt that was a number I could live with.

And last week toddler DS pulled the loose panelling from the bath down on top of himself and roared. And when I had picked him up and comforted him, I went to replace it and saw the dress and the platform heels cached under the bath. I felt sick. But this time round, even though I can't sleep and am a bag of nerves, I'm not crying. I'm done mourning.

I don't know what to do, or how to get through Christmas (my parents are coming!). I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm sure you understand there is absolutely no one in RL I can talk to about this. I have only one friend who knew about it before, but she lived abroad at the time and now she lives down the road and is married to one of DH's friends. When I do talk to DH, it will change our lives and I'm not ready for that conversation yet.

Ugh. I thought this only happened to people in Take a Break. I hate that it is my life.

[GeekyWombat]

Bigkitty this is the third zombie thread about cross dressing you've resurrected in an hour. Clearly you want to talk about it and give advice to someone anyone so why not start up a chuffing thread of your own? Gah!

[MaJeLLaJoann46]

I've been hiding my crossdressing habit and it is killing me, I would love to come out full time as a women

[GinSolvesEverything]

Not just zombies, but bridge dwellers too.

[DaddyPigInADress]

I got quite a shock when I saw this thread on my active list this morning. I'd forgotten all about it. Life was very different five years ago. TL;DR: I didn't LTB. It worked out. But I was lucky.

Funnily enough I was reading a crossdressing thread earlier this week and I could feel the pain and turmoil rolling off the OP's words as if it was a thick cloud of boiling steam, and I thought "I remember that, but I haven't felt it in a long time..."

Not that anyone is interested in another post on a zombie thread, but if you want an update:

• I was so angry. I moved to the spare bedroom and I saw a lawyer. She was awesome. As well as the free consult she gave me some career advice for getting back to work because she had a friend who trained in my career. I followed it up, got a part time job, now have a really good flexible working role in a different organisation doing interesting work. I love my job and love working for my employer. If I'm ever in a position like that again, I can leave. My job can keep me and two kids - much less comfortably than we are used to, but I can do it.
  
• I was so angry, I lost all my baby weight. 36 pounds, in three months.
  
• I never did say anything about the dress. I stuck it back with a note that said something like "you promised" or "how could you", I don't remember exactly. I changed my mind a few times about whether I'd leave a note or not but I must have, as he referenced it (once) a few months or years(?) later.
  
• it turned out DH was doing drugs again for a few weeks that summer, and it dated from that time. The weird hypersexual behaviour was drug-related. Once the drugs stopped, he went back to normal. I was very naive about the drugs. I thought they weren't REALLY drugs because they were legal highs and they were legal and freely available so they couldn't be bad, right? Wrong. So wrong. He had got it for his birthday as a "treat" and his behaviour was horrific for a few weeks. I think there may have been another later occasion, I don't remember if that was the last time or the last but one. Anyway having a non-sleeping toddler around means you have no time or privacy and around about that time, he accepted that this just wasn't something he could do any more now that he was a father. So he never bought them again.
  
• he hasn't done drugs at all since, and it's been a few years. I don't think he misses it at all. The dress and heels and the non-crossdressing stuff, the bondage gear, also stored under the bath wasn't looked at or touched in so long it grew mouldy and we binned it all when we moved out of that flat and joked about it.
  
• he got in to weightlifting, and now does that instead. Much, much sexier.
  

-I kept the divorce papers, completed but unfiled, in my bedside drawer for 18 months. It became something we joked about. I eventually shredded them.

• life is very very normal. 2 kids, school runs, activities and work takes up all our time and we mostly socialise with other parents, not shoreditch partyers and drinkers. We were the first of our friends to have kids, and mostly they have caught up now.
  
• I still haven't lost the baby weight from baby number 2, and she's nearly school age... just haven't been that upset or angry, or had time to get organised. But I will!

[Doingreat]

So pleased to see your update op. I wasn't on mumsnet when you posted this in 2013. Great to see a happy ending.

[Joboy]

Thanks for update . Glad you got your life back . Enjoy .

[RatRolyPoly]

So, so pleased to hear it OP.

[Melissa65]

Well I Crossdress, my wife ain't happy about it, but I do feel for her, at the same time i cannot simply switch off what has proven is a deeply rooted and very significant side of my personality. I however, fully respect my wifes feelings, for me though it makes me feel 100% personally complete. But thats enough about me...

I have never judged anyone, as it's so wrong to do so, so in a nutshell i don't and won't. In your husbands case, as hard as it may be letting this all continue the way it has been as it is, will not be fruitful in what may be worth saving in your relationship.

Communication, is invaluable - could i suggest you find a neutral spot away from home and disturbances, and both lay your cards on the table so to speak. Get him openly to talk about what he does and maybe why he does it. Say to him this is an open discussion to bring all to the fore. Once he has done so, you let him know how you feel about what he has told you. Basically opening up the situation. so you both know each others feelings, with no tempers flairing. Search for some neutral ground, bit of giv and take required here.. Crossdressing is so common place it's almost as common as a tin of Baked Beans. Most men do it to some degree, most under crossdress, but your husband is one who Crossdresses, as do I. I must admit his other interests lay outside of mine, but hey everyone is different..guess we are all human beings and unique. Maybe if you accept his dressing, then may be compromise could be in order, so long as maybe he drops all else.. who knows it might work, as his fetishes could be a result of boredom and frustration as your relationship is the way it is, even if he had caused the breakdown... worth trying to save a relationship... after all being a crossdresser he must have a deeply sensative side to his personality... I'm sure he would listen... try him... and try not being judgemental on him, say his fetishs really upset you, but maybe working with his crossdressing maybe a way to get together and have some fun together..not saying right away... think about it and when you feel maybe.. then go fo it.... I wish you luck, and really hope you sort matters out and get back happy with each other... lifes worth more together..

Warm Regards

Melissa

[prawnsword]

I think you have as much a right to feel grieved as women who’s partners come out as transgender. Can understand how this would be a massive shock & difficult to accept as part of a romantic relationship - because it’s not what you signed up for & that is Ok - you aren’t against the “cross dressing community” you just didn’t agree to hitch your wagon to someone who does identify as being part of that community.

For what it’s worth I do think this is deceitful behaviour to spring on a partner after a long time together.

I don’t have any helpful advise for you, except that you may find some comfort on the partners of transgender people forums/threads here

Xo

[BeUpStanding]

"Melissa" how long did it take you on advanced search to dig up this ancient thread on crossdressing? Then you throw in your totally irrelevant and yet still astonishingly patronising opinion without even reading the whole thread. Perhaps you were too busy typing with one hand to bother with details? Jog on fella...