STBX says I am going to damage our son...Help!

[EllieInTheRoom]

I feel quite useless because everything that crops up I end up posting on here for advice, but I find it really helpful so please bear with me...

We are six weeks into separation. He is at his DPs and me and DS are still at the house. Its a nightmare to be honest, because no matter how many times I set boundaries, he turns up again. I need out.

In January, my sister, her DD (4) and my DS (2) are all going to move into a large rented house. We are so excited. The kids adore each other, my sis and I will save a lot of money, we will have company at night and help each other with childcare. We've always got on really well, so there is no chance of a fallout.

I hope it will be for a year but there is a chance it will only be for six months as my Dsis may move in with her LDR BF. It's unlikely to only be six months but I am prepared for the chance. To be honest, they have a hot and cold relationship and we have both spoken about the likelihood that she will have the courage to end it while she is living with me.

Anyway, we both know it is not a permanent arrangement, as we don't know what the future will hold, but it will be hugely beneficial while it lasts.


STBX is going mad. He says its selfish to take him somewhere he would have to leave. I am taking him away from his daddy first and soon I will be taking him away from his cousin and auntie.

He wants me to leave things as they are for the foreseeable future. Not happening.

The other option is I move somewhere with DS on my own but I wouldn't be able to afford anywhere in this area with enough space for my office and a garden. Not essentials I know, but we would have all of this in the house me and my DSis have chosen.

From September I will be earning more so would be able to find somewhere permanent.

I am trying not to take any notice. But does he have a point? Is this cruel to DS?

[EllieInTheRoom]

Ha! That would drive him mental I like it. I could also sing along in my best screechy voice!

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Moving in with your Dsis sounds like a good plan, for all of you - so, NO, you are not going to 'harm' DS, not at all, quite the opposite!

As for Controlling Nightmare Twat - 'none of your business' or 'fuck off' covers it.

[HerrenaHarridan]

Firstly moving in with your dsis is a brilliant idea. Your ds will benefit no end from having another person and child involved in his daily life as will you.

Secondly moving to a house you have never shared with exp will feel as good as you think it will.
It certainly did for me

[EllieInTheRoom]

Ok thanks! Kind of.

I couldnt avoid seeing him, it was his day with DS and I had to work so I couldn't go out either. I stuck to the script, but it's just so frustrating.

He basically does not think much of my sister. He thinks we are going to use it as an excuse to go out drinking and finding men, which I find insulting. Also, DN is quite faddy with her food and my sister has regular mealtime battles and now H is concerned DS is going to live on a diet of chicken nuggets, which I also find insulting because I cook a LOT.

On top of that, I am being unfair to him and DS. All this is because I cannot forgive, I am holding a grudge. He is doing everything he can to win me back and I am just not LISTENING!!!!

I deviated from the script to say there is a difference between not listening and not doing what he wants.

There were so many other things he said. All while remaining calm and condescending. Then hanging his head with the air of someone who just doesn't know what else they can do.

Then chastised me for mistreating a couple of DS's books, which he found under his cot but should be kept nice.

I barely reacted. maybe a little bit but not much. Honestly, I deserve a fucking medal!!

Thanks for asking, bet you wish you hadn't now, haha!!

[EllieInTheRoom]

On the plus side, we won't see him now until Saturday and DS will be back in nursery next week so normal service will resume and he will have less reasons to come to the house.

However, he is very good at finding reasons

[HerrenaHarridan]

Well done for not rising.

Ime comments like that are designed to get you back up enough to get you to engage.

There are pro's and cons to every situation but I think moving in with another single parent is a great idea. I wish it was an option for me.

Also not his business if one if the perks is being able to go out drinking should you choose too.

[Twinklestein]

Next time he mansplains his way through a list of bollocks, just leave the room.

[Hissy]

He's going to try every trick in the book to get you to bite, so just play 'Twat Bingo'

Mentally note them down and shout House! In your head every so often.

Expect him to turn on the waterworks, be ubernice (the Florence trick is part of this - your supposed to fall at his feet cos he's being 'such an angel to your poorly boy') or get angry, or insulting.

This is why it's important to tune him out, not rise and look past him to January.

I found telling my abusive and eventually conquered ex to rein it in, that I knew all his psychological tricks, that I was expecting them and prepared for them and named them one by one as he rattled through them. I told him that by opening his mouth at all, he was making me more determined to get rid of him, not less, and that I couldn't wait for my new life to start.

The things he's hurling at you, are his greatest fears, so throw them back at him if need be and you'll see the devastation they wreak.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

I would imagine he's also not keen on you living with your sister as then you have a support system right there, which will make it much more difficult for him to walk all over you. He's worried it will help you to stand up to him and he most likely doesn't like that one little bit. That is also probably the reason he doesn't like your sister - I will hazard a guess and say your sister isn't that horribly impressed with his behaviour either?

[perfectstorm]

He doesn't want you living with your sis because he can't try to bully and control you half as effectively with another adult present raising eyebrows.

He doesn't want you in a different property because he'll not have an automatic right to entry and you can insist he has contact elsewhere then.

He has absolutely no say where DS lives when with you. None. You can do what you want as long as you make DS available for agreed/ordered contact and care for him well. He's just trying to use his own child to maintain control over you - very loving.

He hasn't changed a bit, has he? The methods of control have, but not the desire to do it.

Only another month!

[EllieInTheRoom]

Wow, I had never come across the word mansplain before so just googled it and it's exactly what he does! Ha! They really are all the same aren't they!

Yes, he is begining to hate Dsis. He knows she is my biggest support, so I imagine me living with her is his worst nightmare.

She's been through similar and she was the first in RL to jump off the fence and say "get out, he's a twat". He doesn't know this but he definitely knows that when he starts getting under my skin, I chat to her and come back stronger.

Thanks again all

[flippingebay]

Another reason he'll hate you living with DSIS is that it'll be harder for him to just walk in the house. Firstly it's not his, and it won't be as easy to bully you with another adult in the room. Plus it's as much her house as it's yours, so she also has the right to kick him out if he misbehaves or out stays his welcome.

I think it'll be a great move for your DS, it will give him more company and, I suspect, a much calmer atmosphere, especially if you are calmer as a result of the move

[Anniegetyourgun]

I got the "you'll go out drinking and finding men" thing too (not that I lived with my sister, but she lives fairly close and we have gone on a couple of short breaks together). I used to find it insulting too, and ridiculous given that going on the pull with my sister is pretty much the last thing on earth I would choose to do. Eventually I realised that frankly, I could go out drinking and finding men if I bloody well wanted to, as long as I didn't involve DS it was none of his business, and said so. The fact that I didn't want to was also none of his business. It was very liberating.

Absolutely ridiculous to say a child should never live in an interim sort of arrangement. Families often have to, say between house moves, and it doesn't have to be traumatic. It's all in the handling.

[Jux]

He's a complete twat. You can see straight through him can't you?!

I think moving in with your sister sounds like a brilliant plan. Cheaper but better housing, company for both children, company and support for you.

That last is the bit he doesn't want. He wants you where he can carry on tormenting you and he knows that being with your sis will take you out of his grasp. It's nothing to do with ds; poor ds is just an excuse.

Ignore ignore ignore. Scratch your nose whenever he says anything and remind yourself it's bollocks.

[perfectstorm]

It's also very telling, as Annie says, that he's indignantly said he doesn't want you "out drinking and finding other men". Erm, you're a single woman. You're completely entitled to do both, and he is not entitled to free access to your life and home whenever he wants.

TBH the fact he hates the idea is probably a big flag that it's a very good thing, in terms of your independence and rebuilding your self-esteem. He knows it moves you yet another step out of his control and surveillance. No wonder he's against it - and his saying you have to win him over to your life choices is hilarious, because the only conclusion is that he thinks you need his permission to choose where and how to live. Good luck with that fantasy, STBX.

[Damnautocorrect]

Can I move in with you and your sis, it sounds an ace set up!
Your not taking his cousin and auntie away by moving after, they'll still be in his life. As long as your honest with your ds it will be fine

[eightandthreequarters]

I hope you go out drinking and find a nice man! What could be better - you and Dsis will be able to split the cost of a sitter. Tell him you hadn't thought of it, but it's a damn fine plan.

[EllieInTheRoom]

So he's now decided that he doesn't want to fund me taking his son away to set up a new home and that we are not to have any money.

We are both self employed and are in a partnership. I only work 3 days a week compared to his nearly 7 and actually during the summer my work took a bit of a nose dive and I have been working on another little business that will start paying in January.

But I have done some work and brought a reasonable amount of money in.

But he says its ALL his. There is also an account with savings in it. it's actually the proceeds from the sale of his house. But our purchase fell through so we rented instead. We paid off a couple of pressing debts and have had to dip into it in the summer when some of my work fell through.

I always felt very guilty about this and never intended to take any of it because he made that money before we got together. But he says that's why ALL the money we've both earned is his, to make up for the money we lost.

I said legally I could get at least half. But then he started ranting about morals. Saying "morally, morally, MORALLY you know it's mine."

Because of things that were coming in and out this month, we had agreed not to dissolve partnership and split up money until the end of this month but he wants to do it today now.

I think I need to try and get in with a solicitor.

Apparently all of this is because he is sick of taking 100% of the responsibility for the break up. He wants me to accept some blame too. He might have been a mean, emotionally abusive pig but my communication skills are terrible.

And he is definitely quitting his job so he can have DS 3 nights a week. Which worries me because he is so little and has been so unsettled. I think he should see him three times a week but I don't think DS will react well at all to sleeping away from me that many times a week.

Starting to feel a bit sick with worry

[Hissy]

Can't you access the money anyway? If so, take out what's yours - half.

[Hissy]

There doesn't seem to be much wrong with your ability to communicate...

It's just he doesn't want to listen.

if need be, say whatever it takes to get out there, don't agree to anything mind, or be deliberately vague if poss.

If he pushes you on something you won't agree to, tell him that you'll consider it when you're out, that you need a break, otherwise you'll just say no.

[perfectstorm]

He's still being abusive. You need a solicitor, I'm afraid. To protect yourself financially, and also to protect ds from him.

[EllieInTheRoom]

I haven't got access to the savings. He put it back in his account and took the card.

I do have access to a joint account which has enough in it to live on for the next few weeks. And there is more money coming in in the next couple of weeks. Some he has earned and some I have.

Also tax credits should start soon.

I am just worried about deposit for the house and furniture. He's keeping the big bits of furniture you see because he bought them before we were married. (I moved into his house).

Would it go against me if it did go legal, if I took the money from the joint account now?

[Hissy]

No. It wouldn't I don't think. Half that money is yours.

If that's a joint account, go into the bank yourself, with ID and tell them what he's done.

Request a new card and remove half.