STBX says I am going to damage our son...Help!

[EllieInTheRoom]

I feel quite useless because everything that crops up I end up posting on here for advice, but I find it really helpful so please bear with me...

We are six weeks into separation. He is at his DPs and me and DS are still at the house. Its a nightmare to be honest, because no matter how many times I set boundaries, he turns up again. I need out.

In January, my sister, her DD (4) and my DS (2) are all going to move into a large rented house. We are so excited. The kids adore each other, my sis and I will save a lot of money, we will have company at night and help each other with childcare. We've always got on really well, so there is no chance of a fallout.

I hope it will be for a year but there is a chance it will only be for six months as my Dsis may move in with her LDR BF. It's unlikely to only be six months but I am prepared for the chance. To be honest, they have a hot and cold relationship and we have both spoken about the likelihood that she will have the courage to end it while she is living with me.

Anyway, we both know it is not a permanent arrangement, as we don't know what the future will hold, but it will be hugely beneficial while it lasts.


STBX is going mad. He says its selfish to take him somewhere he would have to leave. I am taking him away from his daddy first and soon I will be taking him away from his cousin and auntie.

He wants me to leave things as they are for the foreseeable future. Not happening.

The other option is I move somewhere with DS on my own but I wouldn't be able to afford anywhere in this area with enough space for my office and a garden. Not essentials I know, but we would have all of this in the house me and my DSis have chosen.

From September I will be earning more so would be able to find somewhere permanent.

I am trying not to take any notice. But does he have a point? Is this cruel to DS?

[perfectstorm]

Hope the solicitor went well, Ellie.

[Jux]

Hope the solicitor was helpful, yesterday. Hope you are OK.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Nice of him to add financial abuse to the list of very good reasons why he is soon to be ex.

Do see that solicitor. Get everything nailed down, collect good hard facts. Know what you are entitled to. The hell with "morally", know what you could have legally. If you then want to let him have a bit more because you believe he is entitled to it (not, he shouts loudly enough that he is!) then that's up to you. But don't short-change your DS.

[perfectstorm]

Just as an aside, if you lived in a communal family setup with someone who might then vanish from his life, that might unsettle DS. Living with a close blood relative and a cousin to provide quasi-sibling time will actually support him emotionally, IMO, and strengthen family ties in the years ahead in a really nice way - he'll always have that special bond with his aunt and cousin after living as a family with them. It will reinforce that he's loved and a member of a united family, even if Mum and Dad live apart. Only someone with their own axes to grind would try to pretend otherwise.

[Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie]

Your plan sounds very sensible, a happy household and at his age DS will live for the moment and six months will feel a lot longer than it does to an adult. "Damage" my foot.

I don't know your history OP but if there was no-one else involved at the time you separated I can only guess you were no longer compatible for whatever reason. DS is more likely to be damaged by spending time with a controlling or emotionally stunted parent than living for a short time in a supportive family-friendly environment.

You're moving in with your DSis and DN not a convent. If you want to socialise and date, that will be your business.

Hope you see a solicitor. Your ex talks about unsettling DS but how long will he be prepared to care for DS 50-50? Giving up work is so often a ploy to dodge any financial support. I am in no doubt he will use any pressure he can to punish you for not loving him any more. He can sing what song he likes to his family and supporters portraying himself as hard done by, but you know the truth.

[happytalk13]

Shit, sorry, I missed your post saying he's done that.

I agree with perfectstorm - you need a good solicitor and fast - this man has already gotten a full house in twunt bingo and there's still plenty of tricks left for him.

Sorry he's such a fuckwit.

[happytalk13]

Money withdrawl will almost certainly be his next step - this is what my ex did - too my card and cut me off in an attempt to engineer the split to how he wanted it to go.

[EllieInTheRoom]

Ive got an appointment for a solicitor on Wednesday.

He rang to apologise. Said he'd never let us leave with nothing really. Not sure i believe him.

Thanks again for support

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

You might need to speak to your accountant re the partnership and funds.

If it's a straightforward 50/50 partnership for tax purposes you are entitled to half of its income - but you need to know

Note that if there is no explicit partnership agreement regarding how any profits are split, it s deemed to be 50/50 anyway.

I agree that you should start drawing my share and putting it safely into a personal account in your name only too.

Good luck with it all, he will hopefully fuck off from your life soon and concentrate on his son only.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Taking half the current account and making sure 'your' income (& tax credits if you are main carer of DCs) are in an account that only you have access to, is a sensible precaution while you obtain legal advice, given his comments.

[perfectstorm]

You can get a joint account frozen so neither can remove cash, but you can't block just one side - I mean, he could do the same to you.

You need legal advice tbh. ASAP. He is not going to play nicely now he's realising you aren't going to give in and meekly take him back.

[EllieInTheRoom]

Yeah, I have all the books. I can show it all legally. I think he is just relying on the fact he ca guilt trip me enough and then when it comes in, he can take it

Can I get his card on the joint account stopped?

[EllieInTheRoom]

Am actually not sure doing that is legal though

[EllieInTheRoom]

I haven't got access to the savings anymore as he out it in his account. And to be honest, I never intended to ask for any of that anyway.

But I do want half of what is in the current account and half of what is coming in, that would help set me up. I only need to go away with a couple of grand really.

I think I am going to stop the invoices I have sent out and change the bank details to my personal account. At least then I get the money I've earned

[Walkacrossthesand]

I had a sneaky look back at your previous threads Ellie - it looked like you were the one in the business who 'looked after the money' so can I just check that you've made copies of key /typical pages of the books, bank statements etc, to demonstrate typical incomes from the business? You are right to be wary around money, your STBX sounds like he would go to great lengths to try to stay in control, and withholding money is a logical next step. So, if you are concerned from what he's said (make a note of the conversation, date & time it) that he's planning to leave you short, (and in fact has already done so, by moving the savings out of your reach - do you gave a record of how much was in there?) then it seems reasonable to protect you & DS by withdrawing the money you'll need and moving it to a safe account. IANAL though, so hopefully someone who knows more will be along soon! Stay strong - and see your own solicitor!

[petalsandstars]

If you are married then it doesn't matter what name is on the account its all assests of the marriage AFAIK. Unless he is the type to take it out and spend it - so see a solicitor ASAP. He can't just decide you can't have any money.

[Hissy]

And go and see the CAB for advice.

[Hissy]

No. It wouldn't I don't think. Half that money is yours.

If that's a joint account, go into the bank yourself, with ID and tell them what he's done.

Request a new card and remove half.

[EllieInTheRoom]

I haven't got access to the savings. He put it back in his account and took the card.

I do have access to a joint account which has enough in it to live on for the next few weeks. And there is more money coming in in the next couple of weeks. Some he has earned and some I have.

Also tax credits should start soon.

I am just worried about deposit for the house and furniture. He's keeping the big bits of furniture you see because he bought them before we were married. (I moved into his house).

Would it go against me if it did go legal, if I took the money from the joint account now?

[perfectstorm]

He's still being abusive. You need a solicitor, I'm afraid. To protect yourself financially, and also to protect ds from him.

[Hissy]

There doesn't seem to be much wrong with your ability to communicate...

It's just he doesn't want to listen.

if need be, say whatever it takes to get out there, don't agree to anything mind, or be deliberately vague if poss.

If he pushes you on something you won't agree to, tell him that you'll consider it when you're out, that you need a break, otherwise you'll just say no.

[Hissy]

Can't you access the money anyway? If so, take out what's yours - half.

[EllieInTheRoom]

So he's now decided that he doesn't want to fund me taking his son away to set up a new home and that we are not to have any money.

We are both self employed and are in a partnership. I only work 3 days a week compared to his nearly 7 and actually during the summer my work took a bit of a nose dive and I have been working on another little business that will start paying in January.

But I have done some work and brought a reasonable amount of money in.

But he says its ALL his. There is also an account with savings in it. it's actually the proceeds from the sale of his house. But our purchase fell through so we rented instead. We paid off a couple of pressing debts and have had to dip into it in the summer when some of my work fell through.

I always felt very guilty about this and never intended to take any of it because he made that money before we got together. But he says that's why ALL the money we've both earned is his, to make up for the money we lost.

I said legally I could get at least half. But then he started ranting about morals. Saying "morally, morally, MORALLY you know it's mine."

Because of things that were coming in and out this month, we had agreed not to dissolve partnership and split up money until the end of this month but he wants to do it today now.

I think I need to try and get in with a solicitor.

Apparently all of this is because he is sick of taking 100% of the responsibility for the break up. He wants me to accept some blame too. He might have been a mean, emotionally abusive pig but my communication skills are terrible.

And he is definitely quitting his job so he can have DS 3 nights a week. Which worries me because he is so little and has been so unsettled. I think he should see him three times a week but I don't think DS will react well at all to sleeping away from me that many times a week.

Starting to feel a bit sick with worry

[eightandthreequarters]

I hope you go out drinking and find a nice man! What could be better - you and Dsis will be able to split the cost of a sitter. Tell him you hadn't thought of it, but it's a damn fine plan.