It's OK to LTB

[fuzzywuzzy]

Yes really it is.



I know sometimes we have tongue in cheek threads about partners and sometimes we have threads where one partner has pissed off the OP enough for them to need to turn to MN to let off steam.



However, there are many threads on this forum where the OP is being abused, they inevitably contain the gem 'He's a great dad' (hollow laugh- I told a police officer just that shortly after ex had beaten the crap out of me whilst I had dd2 on my lap, he'd managed to land several kicks on her too and didn't really give a rats arse he was hurting her...but you know he was a great dad ).



There seems to be this preconception on MN that we always tell posters to LTB, actually we don't, when posters come on here and talk about their cheating OH's the first call is never LTB, despite popular misconception there's always a list of suggestions and personal anecdotes including those who have come thro infidelity and have a stronger relationship etc.



Most of us take our cue from the poster.



However, there are very obvious threads where the red flags are flying at full mast, eg;

OP has to keep the house to show home standards of cleanliness with no practical help from her partner, is being constantly criticised for being slovenly because the house is not up to the immaculate standards of her partner (who does not do any housework himself)

OP is being told she should be having more sex as her partner wants it more and everyone else (according to said partner) is having more sex than OP is with her partner/ OP is accused she isn't initiating sex (enough).

OP has young children to care for and no access to money without partners permission, is financially beholden to her partner (he takes care of the money and works oh so hard).

OP worries about partners mood as he tends to be stressed from his job a lot and takes it out on her and the kids by snapping, shouting, being generally short tempered (I work full time and take care of two kids and manage the whole thing without expecting my family to pussyfoot around me, surely that is normal).

The OH threatens to leave OP if she does not improve.

OH tells OP he will take the children in the event OP dares to leave.

OP is looking for advice on how to be a better wife, but her OH has no need to improve it's her all her (according to her OH).

OP has nobody in RL to talk to/is isolated from family and friends, because her OH does not approve of them/feels they're not good enough/interfering etc.





In the above, you know something, LTB, you are a person in your own right, with autonomy over your mind and body. And you can live on your own very easily, because once you lose that dead weight everything becomes a whole lot easier.



Anyone telling a woman in the above situation to improve herself and try harder is frankly complicit in the abuse.



Useful numbers for anyone who wants to get practical help/advice;

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247



Rights of women They have several telephone help lines for issues.



CAB





I am fed up with the small contingency who ridicule anyone who dares suggest LTB on a thread, sometimes, it is the only solution, you can't make a relationship work by being the only one putting the work in.

Abuse is not only of the physically violent sort.

It is not normal or right to be browbeaten for sex, expected to be the household drudge, to have no access to money just because you do not WOH, to have to walk on eggshells in order not to set off poor hard working WOH OH. It so bloody well is not.


I'm going to work now but I had to get this off my chest.

[Vintagecakeisstillnice]

Can I also add if he/she verbally/emotionally/physically abuses their partner THEY ARE NOT A GOOD/GREAT DAD/MUM! !

No matter how well you think you may be hiding it the children will know something is wrong and it will affect them, may not straight away but it will.

[AnUnearthlyChild]

Sidge

That was one wise granny

[Sidge]

She really was wise, Anunearthlychild - she also told me that in a relationship there will be peaks and troughs and that is fine because without troughs there cannot be peaks.

She also said that if you never fall out, argue, disagree or row then one of you is giving in to the other. Two people cannot live together and agree on everything all the time.

[wonderingagain]

I would add, if you have DCs, do it while they are little as it is much harder later when they are settled.

I'm still stuck after 24 years, let that be a warning.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Great Op, great thread

I would like to add another pearl of wisdom, if I may

here

[wonderingagain]

Just checked 'threads I started' - My first was 2006 and all that's changed is my bed. It is now in the dcs room and he keeps the 'master' for himself. So no, Mumsnet isn't as influential as people might think.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

It's always been up to you, WA. Nobody can do it for you. I hope you still think that you can though. One day

[wonderingagain]

I have an excuse, I had a lot of family things happen which meant the dcs needed stability and these events pushed my 'problems' into the background and on hold.

But now I'm back and furious and something's got to change.

I get this sense of feeling self-indulgent to want my happiness over the rest of the family's.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

I was not criticising. If before wasn't your time, then so be it. If now is, go for it.

Start a new thread in Relationships ?

[tinkertaylor1]

sidge your granny had wise words.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

@wonderingagain look up the difference between 'self-indulgence' and 'self-actualisation'. Sacrificing your life for others is an interesting idea but ask yourself, are these other people grateful or even aware of your sacrifice?

[Anniegetyourgun]

A family that depends for its happiness on one member being unhappy is fundamentally dysfunctional. It is like a society based on slavery. It may work just fine for some but is at heart rotten and something must eventually give.