Abusive ex slapped 7yr old son across the face

[Blondeorbrunette]

My ex husband slapped our son across the face cos he (ex) was rowing with me, I walked away. My son was trying to come to me and he was slapped.

Feel so sad for my children as their dad is a total cunt.

What can I do re his access??

[mummytime]

I would suggest you contact women's aid. They are the experts in abuse and may be able to help give you local advice etc.

[Blondeorbrunette]

Thank you all for your responses. I know he's a cunt but it still hurts.

[flippinada]

Good advice from lweji.

[flippinada]

Your poor boy - and poor you. You are both still being victimised by this man.

I agree that putting strict boundaries in place needs to happen. That means you absolutely do not go in his house and he does not come into yours. No excuses. No borrowing things and using each other's stuff. And stick to the letter of the court order.

If you don't people and agencies might ask why not and infer he's not that bad if you appear to be friendly (not my opinion - he sounds like a nasty piece of work).

The police need to take you seriously as well - definitely make that complaint. Might also be a good idea to contact WA again.

[Blondeorbrunette]

Sorry, meant safe in the same house.

[Blondeorbrunette]

ifidobtknow no I don't think your being nosy. I know it's all over the place. As am I.

I fucking loved that man.

Why did he have to be such a bastard. He raised his hand to me for 14 yrs and I took it.

He will never hurt one of my children again.

When we first got together he told me that his ex wife caused him grief and he was on social services register. I think he wanted to make her look bad and gain my sympathy.

He made us enemies because he was still shagging her.

I checked with social services and they said they couldn't tell me. I asked her if she could tell me if my children would be safe in the same house and she said yes.

She was lovely and hinted to me that she couldn't answer that question directly but did I have any other questions.

[IfIDontKnowAndYouDontKnow]

I see. Hope my questions didn't seem nosy, just trying to figure it all out.

I think Lweji gave good advice. Insist on the complaint.

He sounds awful. Did his ex wife make a complaint?

[Blondeorbrunette]

I will definitely make a formal complaint. The police are useless tho.
I'm going to ring them now and see what they say.

[Blondeorbrunette]

No I didn't hang around in the house. Calmed my son down, put a wet cloth on his cheek and we left shortly after.

In the meantime his business partner who is my cousins husband called over and that's when my son blurted out to him that his daddy slapped him.

On his cheek there were three little marks but the handprint was gone.

I told ex what he had done was nothing short of child abuse and he more or less blamed what happened on me.

I know he once hurt one of his step children from his first marriage. He was three yrs old and misbehaving at the table so ex picked up a spoon and hit him in the face.

[Lweji]

When you talk to the police insist on talking with a dedicated DV unit, rather than the duty police officer.

Even if they don't pay too much attention, insist on making a formal complaint, as it will be on record.

[Blondeorbrunette]

When my son was slapped I was upstairs. Heard him calling me, heard ex shouting at home, then I heard my son screaming.

Went downstairs and brought him upstairs away from ex who was still ranting.

My son was screaming, holding his face and looking iver his shoulder towards the bedroom door. I could not take a pic if his face as he would have seen me and if ex asked did mummy take a pic I would have been in a dangerous position.

So instead I recorded the conversation. While I was hugging my boy I pressed record and put phone back in my pocket and he was oblivious.

On the recording you can hear me asking my son what happened and he is saying daddy slapped my face and I fell into the wall.

I was in his house as I was gathering up bits belonging to the children before we left.

I'm sorry if I'm not explaining myself very well.

[IfIDontKnowAndYouDontKnow]

OP did you stay in his house after he slapped your DS? "The only evidence I have off the slap is audio, and my boy blurted it out when someone called to the house after he was slapped. The mark was still visible but you couldn't make out the finger marks."

How do you have an audio recording of the slap?

Out of interest, why were you in his house? I was under the impression it was your house this happened in. Because you said you went upstairs to get some thing for your dd.

[DeepThought]

Please disengage

no need for you to be in his house or vice versa

hand over at the door

communication by email or text

[Blondeorbrunette]

I am going to speak to the police and social services today.

I was in his house at the time of the assault.

I have spoken to social services before and to be honest they were as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Women's aid are excellent and they have supported me in the past and organised a refuge for my children and I.

The only evidence I have off the slap is audio, and my boy blurted it out when someone called to the house after he was slapped. The mark was still visible but you couldn't make out the finger marks.

When my son said it to this person my ex jumped in and said "yes, but why don't you tell x why I slapped you"

No one is listening to me and this clever bastard has me bet. I can't keep up with his games.

[Lweji]

Actually, reading back, I didn't mention much about boundaries.

You are still letting him abuse you. Directly and via the children.
No borrowing stuff. Make it a clean break. No getting into eachother's houses. Certainly do not allow him into yours. Keep all communication in writing. Email and text. No phone conversations either.
Try door handovers at first, then neutral ground, if it must.
Do not engage and always be prepared to call the police if he is in any way threatening. Use a national line that is recorded, don't rely on the personal view of a police officer at the station.
And try to have people around at handovers. Even a neighbour who might just pop at the door to witness it.
Or even be at phone with someone.
Make a note of every incident

If he's abusive in messages, ignore and report. If he's goading, ignore. Keep to facts and the children only. Don't discuss issues at length.

For now, I'd tell him the new rules in writing, reinforcing how unacceptable his slapping was and the circumstances. This is one conversation you want to have in writing and at length, however. Describe it, as you did here, then stick to the point that it was unacceptable and it can't be repeated.

Do not discuss it further in front of the children or verbally. If he takes too long handing over, be prepared to call the police.

[emmoB13]

Someone who is a member of my wider family slapped their little boy across the face. He went into school with no marks but told a teacher, who then contact social services who took it seriously. They did a full review on the family and still continue to support them. So although it may not be against the law (which it should!) it is still taken seriously and I would notify the different agencies about it.

[EirikurNoromaour]

handovers

And this may not be a criminal offence but it is abusive so you should report it to social services ASAP.

[EirikurNoromaour]

You are too involved with him and while you keep these poor boundaries your kids will be caught in the crossfire.
1-why is he in your house, ever?
2- why does he get the opportunity to abuse you in front of the children?
3- why are you lending him electronic items?

You may not be able to stop contact but you can reduce the opportunities for abuse by never having contact with him other thN brief hangovers and email.

[WeAreEternal]

He physically assaulted your child, call the police.

[Lweji]

In any case keep reporting these "minor incidents" to someone who will take notes. When analysed together they will form a pattern.

[Lweji]

I do think you need to talk to someone at length about everything. List all events that have included you ans the children.

If this was at handover, at the OP's house, her opinion overrules his. He had no business being there, nor imposing any of his presence on the op or the chuldren.
And I very much doubt anyone reasonable would consider such a slap as reasonable chastisement just because a child chose to follow one of the parents. He wasn't trashing the place, being violent with the parent, or anything like that.

The first thing is to impose boundaries, as I suggested earlier.

[Blondeorbrunette]

Recently I needed to restore my phone and ex let me use his laptop as mine was stolen recently and in the bag I found an envelope with notes about me. Dates and times that I went out when we lived together.

He also made notes on what time he got up in the morning and what time I got up.

I'm waffling now.

What a fuckin mess.

[Blondeorbrunette]

It wasn't a disagreement over how to discipline children. Ex wanted a row, I didn't, my child wanted to come upstairs to me and he was told no and my boy was slapped when he tried to come up to me.

Gomez has slapped kids before and left hand prints. The cereal was the one and only time he did anything like that to our eldest daughter but he will make comments like your not stupid are you and that kind of thing.

When we were together he would say things to the kids like mummy is in one of her moods today. Or if we had arranged to go to the cinema he would start a row then tell the kids we weren't going now cos mummy ruined it.

[Blondeorbrunette]

ph I was upstairs at the time it happened. Ex was being a wanker and I went upstairs to get something my daughter had asked me for. Was just using this as an excuse to get away from ex and abuse in front of the kids. I heard my boy calling mummy and ex saying your not going up there get back here and then I heard him crying. So although I wasn't in the room I know what happened and the mark on my boys face left no doubt.

I appreciate what your saying re child abuse, but I think it's unacceptable for any parent to slap their child across the face.

[prh47bridge]

Indeed the Children Act does do that but in this case the OP has not reported any bruising, swelling, cuts, grazes or scratches. All she has reported is a hand print.

You may regard throwing cereal over a child to make her clean it up as abusive but the OP has told us it was an isolated incident. If it was part of a pattern child protection agencies may be interested. As an isolated incident I am not surprised they weren't.

You may suspect other examples of abuse but the OP hasn't given us any. If there are it may be that there is a child protection issue. But at the moment this reads to me like a disagreement over how to discipline children.