Post- first baby - am I the only one?

[Gemlove]

Hi , I have been looking for a thread on this, but can't find it. I'm wondering if anyone else has had trouble with their husband or partner being completely uninterested romantically / sexually after pregnancy and baby is born? My husband and I haven't had sex in over a year. Wow. Scary to write that down, he is just not interested in me anymore. And it is clear he does nt find me attractive anymore. I don't really know if this is normal or what to do. All the threads are about the reverse. I am wondering if it is because if the baby or that I am slightly heavier now (about 10lbs six months after the birth) or he just doesn't feel attracted at all anymore????? I can't understand, but I don't really know how to address it ... Anyone been through this?????

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I am sure you won't be the only one in this situation. Okay the marvel of motherhood means some of the 'mystique' of the child-free era is lost but a grown man usually recognises that there are changes following pregnancy and birth, along with altered roles.

I am sorry you feel so disconnected, I think you should talk to him about this as a matter of urgency. As you are both able to get more sleep again, (I assume you share a bed?), he has stepped up as a father, you don't mention financial worries and you are able to use babysitters to get out and spend time together, it should be reasonably plain sailing, allowing for the added responsibility and admitted strain on stamina.

Being parents you should also feel secure as partners.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What needs of yours are being met?.

Not speaking to him about it because you do not want to start a fight is a big red flag. Do you fear he is going to kick off if you bring the subject up?.

Another red flag here re him is that he is using the "I'm being honest" type comments to put you down.

He is neither a good dad (women often write that type of comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to say about their man) nor H to you is he is acting like this.

I would think very carefully about your future with this man because he will wear you further down over time. He is already doing that to you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

OP... are you worried that if you tell him you've had enough of being told you don't come up to standard he'll just walk out and leave you?

[Gemlove]

Mamadiggingdeep - did it get better??

[Lweji]

I have heard of some men losing sexual interest after watching the births of their children. Not sure if true or myth.
Your weight cannot possibly be a problem. 10lbs? Really? That's hardly anything.

He is being nasty if he uses the being honest to put you down. Good, nice, people tend to fib a bit, or at worst, use constructive criticism. Does he comment on your weight?

Why do you think if you talk to him, it will lead to a fight? Do you fight a lot? Do you tend to shut up so there are no fights?

Why not tell him that you are unhappy, that you feel unloved, and see what he says? Possibly suggest counselling to address this issue in a controlled setting?

[Hermyninny]

If it were just the lack of sex, you could put it down to more benign reasons. But being hurtful is just bloody nasty. My beautiful children have wreaked havoc on my already knackered body but my DH lies is supportive and kind and respects me. And after two kids (youngest is 2) our sex life is beginning to get more normal for us because we're less tired.

Also, you should not be afraid of starting a fight. Telling your partner that something they are doing is hurtful is not a reason for a fight in the first place. It's a reason for them to listen.

[cantheyseeme]

He sounds awful, after having dd1 me and dp had never been as close, im very fortunate to be so secure in my relationship considering my own body issues. When me and dp met i was 14-16 im now a size 22 and he has never even looked at me funny, so for your DH to be so shallow about 10 POUNDS difference is shocking!

[RevengeWiggle]

*when

[RevengeWiggle]

He sounds nasty tbh, criticising your appearance especially wen you've just had a baby and are likely already feeling insecure. Has he always been like this?

[EirikurNoromaour]

He sounds horrible. And not very interested in regaining any kind of intimacy, if he's so critical of you. You need to talk to him. Can't you have a conversation about your feelings and relationship without it turning into a fight?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He criticises your appearance and excuses it because he's your husband and he's being honest!!!?? What a nasty, shitty arse of a man. You have got to start speaking up for yourself rather than treading on eggshells and taking insults to avoid a fight. How dare he look you up and down, your body having given birth to his child, and rip you to shreds. Any decent man would love every stretch mark.

Frankly, I'm appalled. There is nothing psychologically wrong with him. He's just a shallow and horrible person.

[beaglesaresweet]

I wonder, Op, did you jump into marriage and having kids? or did you know him for a hwile (sounds like you didn't). Maybe he was VERY keen on having children, and the relationship with a woman was kind of secondary, so once he got a child (and as you say he is amazing with her) he sort of is showing that that was his real motive. I hope not!

It could be, on the other hand, that he thinks you cooled down towards him - for example you say you had no sex for a year, but are you just waiting for him, or have you tried to initiate affection or sex? if you haven't ever initiated, he may well think you are not interested, and this may be a reason for him being critical (passive agressive kind of, while actually wanting attention).

[Joysmum]

How about saying to him 'I love you so much and miss...' and see what he says. There's any number of reasons but the one thing everyone will agree on is that you need to ask him and take things from there.

[Gemlove]

Minimonty, thank you. I would be less worried if it was just about the sex, but there is not the same kind of affection anymore. Not sure how to describe it other than it feels like he just doesn't really like me too much anymore. Or maybe can't be bothered to make an effort?

[Gemlove]

Hi everyone, wow, thank you so much for all the replies. It is helpful - no, I haven't spoken to him about it because 1) don't want to start a fight. And 2) because I don't want to force him into acting / behaving if the underlying feeling isn't there. But I am being dumb (and insecure), I should talk to him about it.

We do make time for each other - lots - and are both getting 7 hrs sleep these days usually because our daughter is wonderful and sleeps pretty well. We have no trouble getting babysitters, etc. this is why I think it must be me, or something psychological maybe about being a mum now? I even sense he is looking at me when I am getting dressed etc very critically - so he sees me but never ever says anything but something critical. He says he is my husband and he is being honest.... I just get my feelings hurt.

I have trouble imagining that he is having an affair but maybe that is so naive of me.

He is amazing with our daughter.

I don't know what to do - but I think the only answer is to talk to him about it...clearly... Just hard to do.

[5madthings]

So your baby is 6mths old, but no sex for a yr, so since 6mths preg? No sex whilst rpeg is not unusual, some men and women dont like sex whilst preg. And a lack of sex with a 6mth old baby is fairly common.

It depends on the rest of your relationship and affection etc as cognito said.

Have you spoken to him about this?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" it is clear he does nt find me attractive anymore"

No-one is that tired or traumatised by birth... I'm sorry. In a healthy relationship there is always an opportunity to hold your partner close, push their unwashed hair off their prematurely wrinkled brow, look into their knackered eyes, ignore the whiff of baby-sick rising from their shoulder and say.... 'I love you'.

Surprised no-one has suggested cherchez la femme... Sudden withdrawal of affection. Not finding partner attractive.

[Granville72]

No you're not alone.

It takes quite a while I think to adjust to being parents and maybe he see's you as his child's mummy than his partner now? Birth can be just as traumatic for the dads as for the mums.

Have you sat down and spoken to him?

[howaboutacuppa]

I don't think this is normal - sorry. Up to a few months there is a lot of adjustment to having a new baby, the new dynamic of your relationship etc. so I can see why sex would be thin on the ground, but a year of no sex signals problems I think. My DH and I certainly don't do it as often as we once would, but we try to make time for each other 1-2 times a week. Even once a month is still an intimate relationship and enough for some.

You say it is clear that he doesn't find you attractive anymore, but has he actually said this? It may very well be that he is simply overwhelmed with his new family set up and very tired! You should talk to him about it asap, otherwise you will be thinking about it all the time.

[Bumbolina]

Could he just be knackered? Neither of us wanted sex for ages because dd never slept and sex was far too energetic an activity for the down time
We managed a week of sex and I'm now pregnant again... haven't had sex for 6 months... am due in a week. Neither if us can be bothered, but we make sure we kiss, cuddle, touch, and tell each other we love one another every day.

[NoisyNoraBackAgain]

But MiniMonty your post gives me hope!

[NoisyNoraBackAgain]

Same here OP. :(. No advice I'm afraid.

[mammadiggingdeep]

• fat old troll

[mammadiggingdeep]

You're not alone. I experienced it. It was incredibly painful. I felt hideous and when I look back at pics of myself now with dd at 6 months I looked great!!! On her 1st birthday everyone was telling me how wonderful I looked- I felt like a day old troll because I hadn't been shown any affection in a year. It is not you, your weight or anything related to you. It's the change in the relationship. It is how he views you. Believe in yourself whatever happens and please don't think it is you.