online hook ups how can I protect myself and stay safe

[yummytummy]

Ok so recently come out of a long term nasty relationship. Have been trying to discover who I am and am exploring this friends with benefits thing.

Have met a guy online and want to meet him.its quite clear we just want a hook up. But am a little worried as he has specified what he wants me to wear and high heels etc. Is that controlling or sexy?

Also will meet in a public place but what else should I be careful of and how do I stop feeling so naughty. Its so out of character for me but I want to explore new things and people

[EirikurNoromaour]

Yummy may I just say a bloody well done for leaving him, brilliant news. And definitely stay away from the hookups for now. I tried that after I left H and it really didn't help. Actually to be fair I had one guy that was Greta and good fun but the other two were crap and demorLising.

[passedgo]

If you want adrenlin sports go mountain biking, at least a broken bone can heal.

If you have children, especially if you are single, you shouldn't undertake any risky activity, whether it risks your heart, your body or your soul.

[EBearhug]

I think its mainly wanting to feel desired as a woman as have had self esteem destroyed and having someone really want you and want to be with you is a huge ego boost.

I don't think the man you've found online would do this. He doesn't want you, he wants a fuck. Being used as a masturbatory aid won't make you feel desired for you and isn't what FWB is really about, as it's missing the F bit, and all the respect that goes along with that - and that's what you need, people who will treat you with respect.

[EBearhug]

I think its mainly wanting to feel desired as a woman as have had self esteem destroyed and having someone really want you and want to be with you is a huge ego boost.

I don't think the man you've found online would do this. He doesn't want you, he wants a fuck. Being used as a masturbatory aid won't make you feel desired for you and isn't what FWB is really about, as it's missing the F bit, and all the respect that goes along with that - and that's what you need, people who will treat you with respect.

[ALittleStranger]

YummyTummy by normal OD I just mean Match, Guardian Soulmates etc. Where you meet as adults who do adult things if you like each other. The chances of meeting someone you want a fully fledged relationship with are middling, but you probably will meet someone where there's mutual attraction and some respect.

[perfectstorm]

Really good post, Dahlen.

[yummytummy]

Will def look into homestart too, thanks

[yummytummy]

Amazing post dahlen lots to think about.

I think its mainly wanting to feel desired as a woman as have had self esteem destroyed and having someone really want you and want to be with you is a huge ego boost.

Masturbation will just be a short term release and in a way makes it worse as it increases the desire for the real thing

Its just coming to terms with the fact that I am single there is no husband so that option for sex isnt there anymore. And its probably best not to try sex with the ex as he blatantly wouldn't go there anyway and the rejection wd make me feel worse

[Dahlen]

There is nothing wrong with finding that prospect scary. It's a normal human desire. But ask yourself what is it about not having sex for a long time that scares you? Break it down into specifics.

Is it the physical release? If so, that's easily solvable. Masturbation can achieve that. Other physical activities can release endorphins. Some people feel euphoric after a run, for example. Or a long, sensuous bath can help. You can have physical pleasure on your own very easily.

Or is it about feeling like a desirable woman? That's more complex but not insurmountable. Desirability comes from within as well as from other people's validation. It is possible to feel incredibly sexy even as a straight woman in a room full of other women. Likewise, it is possible to feel completely asexual when sat next to the most attractive man in the world. It all depends on where your head is at. If you like yourself and your life, you're halfway there already. If not, that's what you should work on first IMO.

Is it the thought that you'll never experience that heady sensation of full-on lust? That's a hard one because it is possible you might not. But it's actually better to miss out on that experience than it is to have it with the wrong person who uses it to systematically annihilate your self-esteem even further.

There is no set time for getting over a past relationship and being ready for another. It varies hugely from person to person. However, my golden rule is that if the thought of it is causing you a lot of anxiety, you're not ready.

And that's ok. You're not "damaged goods" if you take some time out. You're a person in control of her life who's chosen to concentrate on more self-affirming things. There's a lot more to life than sex.

[perfectstorm]

Oops, sorry: Home Start.

[perfectstorm]

Off topic, but have you been referred or referred yourself to [http://www.home-start.org.uk/findsupport/our_support [Home Start?]] It's a brilliant charity designed to make parenting the under fives a tad less relentless. You'd be able to have some help, company and support without strings or expectations. It might give you a little more energy, so in turn you'd feel more open to socialising. I know a mum of twins who said it was the one thing that kept her sane, Home Start. Maybe worth looking into if you've not already?

[Scarletohello]

If you want to meet men just for sex, that's fine it's your choice. There is a website called fab swingers where you can not only see people's profiles but also read ' verifications', ie people who have met them write about what they were like so you can get a good sense if them. So it's totally safe, but of course if you feel it's not emotionally safe then that's another matter...

[yummytummy]

Perfectstorm, yes its the relentlessness of single parent life I struggle with. Def groups wd help and if its others who have left abuse then all the better

Alittlestranger i must ask what is normal OD? I am incredibly frustrated as although abusive, ex was always very gd in that department. But just from being frustrated its not best to get into these hook ups I see that. Its just a scary thought to think I may never have sex again for a gd while

[ALittleStranger]

YummyTummy I'm glad you're taking on board the advice here. Based on your posts, casual hook-ups sound like the worst thing for you. Unfortunately there isn't a quick fix to loneliness the way there is with sexual frustration. And if you get to the stage where sexual frustration is your problem it's easy enough to get casual sex through "normal" OD. Someone who stipulates what you should wear before you've even met is waving major red flags.

[perfectstorm]

I didn't - I do myself! It is hard, when you feel low. I get that. I think maybe single parents' groups could be just the thing, because tbh I think it's almost impossible for others to get how draining and relentless a life it is. And you won't be the only one who left because of abuse, either, sadly. Too much of that about for it to be a likelihood.

I do think you need to build up your defences and your sense that you're worth a hell of a lot before actively looking to date anyone. And friends are the best way to do that, as well as the best way to meet someone new when you're feeling stronger. I know it's hard, but I'd force myself to go out and do stuff, because as a natural introvert myself I know it's all too easy to end up making excuses, then staying indoors reading or watching telly in bed.

[yummytummy]

Thanks so much for all the tips. Its just reinforcing whats right for me for now

Perfectstorm how did u know I love baking? I am part ofthe cclandestine cake club but lately its been so hard to get into my usual hobbies as its a struggle just to do day to day kids stuff.

I will definitely look into single parents groups it would help to chat with other mums in same situation

I am so greatful for this place (mn) and all of u it really helps to keep the darkness away when u need it most

[Lovingfreedom]

I tried joining the local baking club but no-one was interested in my orifices ....online dating is ok but you need to be wary and resilient

[perfectstorm]

Honestly, even if he weren't likely to be an abusive arse (which this sounds) you'd quite likely end up feeling far lonelier than ever, afterwards. I think you'd do a lot better with some erotic fiction (NOT 50 Shades, or anything else that apparently glamorises control and abuse) and a decent vibrator. Nothing wrong with wanting your sexual needs met, but that's a safer option in every sense - and one where you are in complete control, which while you're so vulnerable seems sensible. Blood in the water attracts sharks, unfortunately.

You're clearly intelligent and articulate so I'd think about what you like doing, then find a group for it. Baking? Clandestine Cake Clubs. Reading? Local book club. And so on. You'll meet friends there, and also have a far higher chance of meeting someone interested in you as a person, not just a set of orifices.

It is hard after a relationship breaks down, especially for single parents, no matter how crappy the situation was. I think maybe the best way to tackle that aspect is a single parents' group. Lots of people in the same situation, and that's often a shortcut to friendship as well.

[Concentrateonthegood]

Cogito, Not just, but many years before. I can only speak for myself and of my own experience. As I said, not for everyone, it it was a solution for me.

[Dahlen]

Sex isn't a cure for loneliness unless it's used as a means of expressing caring emotions, which it certainly can be but TBH is not really likely in a casual hookup.

The only cure for loneliness is to be content with your own company and to have positive relationships (not necessarily romantic) with others. Strengthening your friendships and taking up some new interests would be the best course of action for you until you are a little less vulnerable I think.

Hope you feel better soon.

[yummytummy]

Its true I definitely have to strengthen myself first before going down that path. If I sense something is not right I should trust my instincts and yes I think this particular guy is a bit dodgy.

In a way I guess its just knowing maybe that option is there in the future once I have established myself as a person alone

Its just very very difficult to adapt to being a single parent and the mind crushing loneliness. The pain is immense even though the relationship wasnt right and I am really struggling to deal with it. But granted now I see casual hook ups are not the answer for now

[Dahlen]

Sex with strangers is a risky business in terms of your health and safety. You put yourself in a situation where you are physically very vulnerable and removed from the public eye (hopefully ) which means help isn't easily available if you need it. Combine that with the staggering number of sexual assaults experienced by women every year and you really do need your wits about you to spot the predators out there who prey on the naive and vulnerable.

Which isn't to say there is anything wrong with NSA sex or a ONS. It's just sex. There is no moral weight attached to it (unless you're religious); it's simply a biological function that happens to be very enjoyable when done right.

But IMO the only people who enjoy regular casual sex are the well sorted - those who know themselves well, have excellent boundaries, command respect even from those who will never see them again, and can spot the predators coming a mile off.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Had you just left a long and abusive relationship Conentrateonthegood? You see, 'shocked and judgemental' sort of paints the responses as being of the knee-jerk Mary Whitehouse repressed variety.... and I can't help think you're missing the point.

[Concentrateonthegood]

I did this a few years ago. I'd been single for so long, I just wanted to get back in the saddle as it were so did a bit of hooking up. Met a few nice people, three of which I continued to see just for sex (not all at the same time....).

I always took control of the meet, hotel room etc but I did have a bad experience which was the last time I met up with a new person. Nothing bad but he did get verbal. Decided I'd had a good run and left it at that. Lucky escape!

Just be careful and if you have any doubts about them at all, don't meet them. I did have a doubt about the last one but I dismissed it. It's not for everyone and some people on here would be shocked and judgemental but it increased my sexual confidence and it was the right thing for me. I actually found that most of my meets were in need of a bit of love and affection as opposed to swinging from the chandeliers so worked both ways.

[LividofLondon]

Yummy, I see nothing wrong with FWBs arrangements...but ONLY if you are in an emotionally strong place. You really need to be mentally up together to cope with the sex without attachment that comes with FWB; regardless of how the man dresses it up, never confuse sex with love. I would strongly recommend you do not go down that route at the moment. Take some time out to nurture yourself before getting into a relationship, whatever the type. And for what it's worth, if a potential fuck buddy asked me to wear something specific for him I would refuse and consider it strike one. I will wear what I bloody well like.