Mum interrupts EVERY single sentence I ever utter, how do I cope?

[feesh]

My Mum does an 'Uh-huh' or a 'Hmm' (an agreeing sort of noise) halfway through every single sentence which comes out of my mouth so she never, ever listens to the end of a single sentence I say.

It drives me absolutely insane. How do I cope?

Throughout my childhood, she never listened to me, and because of this I am extra sensitive to it now as an adult. I don't think I have ever uttered a single sentence to her without being interrupted.

I call her up on it at least 3 or 4 times a day when I am with her (she is currently staying with me for 12 days) but it has no effect.

I call her up on it when it makes her look stupid (i.e. she makes agreeing noises to something which, in the context of the rest of the sentence that I haven't finished yet, makes no sense at all) and when she is agreeing to something that she clearly knows NOTHING about (i.e. basically implying yes, yes I am already an expert on what you are telling me, there is nothing you can say which I didn't already know about).

It really upsets me that when I am trying to explain something to her about which I know she knows nothing, but I actually have something interesting to say, she just makes all these noises which basically mean 'Yes, I know, I already knew that' as if she can't wait for me to finish talking.

I have also called her up on it outside of a normal conversation, i.e. sat her down and said that it really upsets me when she doesn't listen to me. Nothing ever makes a difference.

I know I can't change her, but I need to change my reaction to her. I just feel depressed being around her. It brings back awful feelings of not being listened to as a child.

The irony is, it made me really insecure about speaking out loud as a teen, and she used to nag me about mumbling and sent me off to elocution lessons as a result!

[deepfriedsage]

Yes I struggle with monologue communicators too, I am a back and forth conversationist, I have nothing to say after listening to a,monologue person, as I can't remember all the relevant things by the time they finish or I will say a short sentence and be met by another monologue.

[VoiceofRaisin]

Your DM could be my DM! I now deal with it by stopping talking when she begins talking over me, then let her continue until she stops (can be 5 or 10 minutes) at which point I start again with the sentence that was interrupted.

The DC dislike seeing their grandparents because they don't understand why Granny/ Grandpa talks over them (which they do all the time as if the DC aren't real people or something even though they are now adults with very interesting and insightful conversation!!)

[2rebecca]

that's assuming you're not one of these people who loves giving long monologues and complains if anyone interrupts them but can happily talk for 5 minutes without drawing breath if no-one does. If so try shorter sentences with pauses between them so you can talk to each other not at each other.

[2rebecca]

I'd try the stopping speaking when she interrupts and saying "OK You're not interested" and leave the room.
I'd invite her less often as well as you don't seem to enjoy her company much and she doesn't want to listen to you so it seems pointless seeing as much of each other if it makes you both miserable. You could maybe suggest this to her.

[Loopyloulu]

Are you sure it's not reflective listening? The reason I ask is that my adult son asks me to stay quiet- on the phone- when I ho and hum- which to me shows I'm actively engaging with him. To me it's the equivalent of nodding your head when someone is talking. He finds it distracts his train of thought. So I now stay quiet but to me it feels as if he's talking into thin air and not getting feedback. Tricky one. It depends how she does it. If it's really a means of telling you to shut up then you have to speak to her again until she takes it on board. I don't know how if you have done this and it hasn't worked.

[Quietattheback]

Lookmycameltoe - Are we related? My Dad once spent over an hour telling me about the turning circle of black cabs in relation to every car he'd ever owned - yawn.

Both my parents are like this and I am currently decompressing today after a particularly infuriating, week long visit from them. We were abroad the previous week and it was a fairly eventful trip however, I don't think I managed much more than a 5 minute, brief outline to them although I had to hear about them planting their asparagus tips, countless fecking times they are just not remotely interested.

My mum even managed to plumb a new depth of dismissal. I had mentioned that I had got a load of nice clothes for DD whilst away... that's all I said, nothing more. Later in the week I was upstairs ironing and putting clothes away and my mum was in bed playing on her computer. As I was folding a pair of DS1's jeans that I had got from overseas I absentmindedly said out loud that I wished that I had got a few pairs as they fit him so well and my mum pipes up, "hmm, oh yeah they have lovely clothes over there don't they, the stuff you got for DD is gorgeous isn't it? Really unusual designs!"... Err, well it is nice but unusual? Not so much. She hadn't even seen the stuff, she was just shutting me down in case, heaven forbid, I might ask her to show any interest in anything other than herself.

I don't know about yours OP but both of my parents are utterly horrendous at gift buying and I just recently worked out why. It's because not only do they don't have the first clue about anybody else, their interests, likes or dislikes. You need to pay attention to others in order to be able to get them a thoughtful gift and that is a skill that they simply don't have.

It's hard OP and if you haven't experienced it, it's hard to understand how damaging to your self esteem it can be to feel you have no voice. The only way I can cling on to some sanity is to try not to try (it's difficult because it's a natural thing to want to communicate your life to someone but I always end up feeling like shit if I start a convo and get talked over). Don't engaged and let them prattle on and on and on and on about their own stuff whilst taking my mind elsewhere. They can't change, but you can change how you behave towards them. Have some and and , she'll be gone soon, hang on in there.

[Deathwatchbeetle]

My friend's hubbie goes yeah, yeah all through the conversation even before he knows what he is agreeing with (or not!). Another friend either lets me finish but is flexing her muscles ready to pounce or finishes my conversation for me. Another will ask how I am. I get to the bit about "Well my leg is a bit sore this morning......and she jumps in with what is wrong with her so never really hears much of my conversation. I am always amused when she is on the phone to someone else and tells me what other people have said, thinking to myself, how come she can keep up withthe conversation if she constantly talks over people.

My mum always talks over me and goes off on several tangeants. When I ask if she was listening she admits she wasn't. Then if somene asks her what I said, (say my brother rang about something and knew I was going to ask mum about it), she will panick and just give the first reply she can think of. It is amazing what she says I have said!!!!!

[RegTheMonkey]

It's one of the most frustrating, annoying things, so I do feel for you OP. My MIL laughs uproariously when I'm telling something on the phone which is actually quite serious - recently the coal man didn't come and we had run out, I told her I was all wrapped up against the cold and that the heating in the bathroom had packed in and we weren't sure how we could afford to get new heating. She goes: "Oh HA HA HA HA! Whoops!" Like I was telling her of some jolly jape. I'm still too polite to her to say 'what, you think my misery is so funny you are splitting your sides?'. I think it may be a nervous laugh, not sure, she's quite highly strung. Anyway back to OP. Nope, you're not going to get through to her now, but dimsum has a good idea about the recording.

[dozeydoris]

and she loves to play this out with her friends too, dropping everything and rushing over to them if they need her
I doubt that her friends really hold her in high esteem, ime many people are a bit dramatic or whatever and if they are friends then you just accept their behavior, also if you do have a 'problem' then it's quite nice to have that confirmed by someone, however dramatically. But usually people see through this type of thing but would never say so.

[BillyGoatintheBuff]

I found it comforting that I was not alone, after I read her book, I hope it might help you.

[BillyGoatintheBuff]

Deborah Tannen has written a few really interesting books about this type of subject. Have a google, have a read of some of her stuff (from the library) I fouind it all so so so so useful. Eye opening actually.

[feesh]

My blood is fricking boiling now, I have reminded her every single day since she arrived, pleased don't open the back door when the babies are sleeping as it wakes them up. I am upstairs and I've just heard the back door crash open and closed 3 times in a row. I now have 2 screaming babies to deal with who only slept for 30 minutes.

So fucking fed up with it.

Lookatmycameltoe I think we have the same parents. Mine could NOT communicate with each other, they are both as bad as each other. My dad will only talk to me about cars or bikes (on his terms, I am not allowed to raise the subject unless I am seeking his worshipful advice). I even joked that he would make my wedding speech about them......guess what, he did?!

[lookatmycameltoe]

Both my parents are like this. They are divorced. Strangely both blame the other for being selfish and not being sensitive to the other's needs

EVERY single book my father reads he describes in great detail (maybe over an hour) as if he is the only person who has ever read a book. It may be the most irrelevant subject to me - steam trains, Jack the Ripper or theLondon underground - but I will get it in painstaking detail. I read about 4 books a week myself, I have tried to mention an interesting book I might have read (relevant to him) and I get a dirty look and a quick conversation diversion.

My mother - well there are no words. The conversation only revolves around her. Family life only revolves around her. She only likes which children of mine gush around her on a particular day. If they don't they are rude and have 'strange' personalities. If you tried to describe a meal out you had enjoyed you would get a potted history of all the meals she's ever had instead.

Even my sister said to me recently, I've never even heard how your births have gone (I have 3DC) as every time you try and tell me mum interrupts and describes her births for the millionth time.

I feel your pain.

[feesh]

Cinnamon, thank you for the advice but I really don't feel like trying to amend things with her :(

If anything, I just want to maintain an emotional distance from her. I don't think we can ever have a good relationship and I don't really want one.

She DOES ask me questions, but they are always ones she has already decided on the answer to, if that makes sense. If I give her an unexpected answer, she drowns me out. They are also just plain nosy, or weird, questions (which seat of the car did you sit in when Kate gave you a lift?!) - there is no actual interest in me as a person, or what makes me tick, or what I think about something. Basically, the questions are just to confirm a judgement or idea/picture in her mind that she has already made.

The really annoying thing is that she is a really good listener to her friends - she has a small group of very long term friends - they love to confide in her, and she does give good practical advice (she is great in a crisis, I will give her that) and she does give the impression of listening. However, I know from what she says to me that she is constantly judging them and gossiping about them, I don't know how she gets away with it. She is very good at playing the martyr role in the family, and she loves to play this out with her friends too, dropping everything and rushing over to them if they need her.

I don't tell her anything because I don't want to be judged, basically.

She is always making comments about everyone's weight, to their faces - my husband has become the latest victim and my new tactic, which seems to be working, is just to stay deathly silent when she does it, which makes her rudeness stand out like a gleaming diamond and makes her feel suitably awkward. She hasn't done it for a few days now ;)

[tracypenisbeaker]

I think it is just your mothers nature in that she isnt a reflective listener. I feel like the easiest way to make friends/ get to know potential OHs is by asking questions and making people feel valued in conversation. Does she have issues with making friends at all? I could see how this habit of hers could be a barrier in social interactions...

[tracypenisbeaker]

I feel your pain, OP. Theres always that person who waits for a gap between your sentences, solely so they can talk about the 'good stuff' (i.e themselves.) Another bad thing is when you are trying to change the subject/ give examples/ share experiences to add a dimension to the conversation, and they'll immediately revert back to talking about themselves as if they arent acknowledging you/ valuing your contribution. My mum does this about her job. We could be talking about her work for 20 mins, and I could say something that would be a natural progression in the conversation, e.g 'Bet youre looking forward to christmas then. What do x and y want for christmas btw?' and then she will say 'I'm not sure' and get her work diary and start talking me through each and every shift that she has around christmas! Not my idea of a two- way interesting discussion. Everything always ends up being about her bloody work.

[dimsum123]

You could try recording your conversations and playing them back to her. Or do the same thing (interrupting) to her. I did this with DH and it worked a treat.

[FixItUpChappie]

Are we long lost sisters OP because you describe my mother to a tee .

I have nothing helpful to add other than to empathize really. It drives me utterly batty and like you I am super sensitive to it as its been a life-long issue. My mum doesn't listen and knows everything - even criticizes me for mumbling as you mention yours does. I tend to pull my mum up on it but this only serves to make me seem touchy and overly sensitive in her eyes.

I suspect there is nothing I can do to amend this quality in her other than to smile and nod and try to keep things light instead of being biting which only harms our relationship.

[Cinnamon2013]

Hi. My mum used to do something similar, she would also finish my sentences (always incorrectly, so it felt again like not listening, although she was trying to be nice in doing it). She'd also do that 'I'm a crap mum..too old to change' thing at the first hint of criticism, which was so infuriating as it shuts everything down. And it is passive aggressive like you say. Things are much better now. Every relationship and situation is different, of course, but here is what worked for me/us:

• I focused on the goal : improving a relationship through better communication
• I talked to her about it at a time when the atmosphere was light and we were getting on well. I kept focus on how her behaviour made me feel
• I reassured her (a lot!) that she is a great mum and all I wanted was to make things even better
• resisted the temptation to 'pull her up' on things/ criticise/ cite examples, which only repeated put her on the defensive

and shut communication down

I agree it sounds maddening, but she also sounds like a woman who really cares about you and wants to do things right (if not she wouldn't care if you thought she was a crap one). We are all human and have our faults. I dread to think what my son will say to me when he's grown up!

Things with my mum didn't change overnight, but they did change and improve a lot. It was so worth it.

Good luck

[feesh]

Thanks everyone, it's kind of reassuring to know I'm not alone, but sorry for everyone else who has to suffer like this too. I am going to just stop talking today every time she does it, I will let you know how it goes!

I might get my vuvuzela out later depending on my mood :D

She's already accused me of mumbling once this morning and it's only 6.30am here :D

I moved abroad a few years ago and a big part of that was to get away from my family. I don't tell her very much at all these days. It's just very draining having to now spend extended periods of time with her as she comes to stay a few times a year. I always feel like I should get some counselling after every visit; I think this time I will.

[Retroformica]

Agree if she interrupts stop talking for quite a long while.

Also phone a friend for a proper chat if you can't get that from your mum

[zatyaballerina]

Don't waste your time (or sanity) talking to her. If she was interested in what other people say, she would have developed the ability to listen by now. She hasn't and that's her problem.

[HellonHeels]

Oh feesh I understand where you're coming from and it's shit

My mum is quite similar to this, I think. I've pulled her up many times on finishing my sentences for me (often with a conclusion I was NOT heading for as I spoke) and I've always felt she was never interested in what I had to say.it affected me so badly, it crushes your sense of self and self esteem. Only fairly late in adult life and after a lot of group therapy (where it was just SO difficult for me to speak up) have I been able to find my voice, express my own opinions and feel that I am actually entitled to speak and be listened to.

I live on the other side of the world from my mum now. Conversations tend to be one-sided events, she chats on about all her stuff. I tell her one or two things which she does acknowledge but promptly moves on to what she wants to talk about. She never EVER remembers anything about me or my life, even quite momentous events eg I won a really fantastic exotic holiday and she didn't ever ask me about it again.

I've given up now and have zero expectations; I find that is the most manageable option. After a conversation with her I have a mini-offload to DH who does understand, then i put it from my mind.

I do love MrTumbles suggestion of quizzing your mum on what you've just said though!

Hope it makes you feel a bit better to know you're not alone in having a mum like yours X