Emotional Affair? If so, how to deal with

[Outrageousfortune]

First time poster.... I'll try and keep the details brief

Married for over 12 years. Together for almost 19. 2 children. Thought everything was ok. Comfortably off, good lifestyle, but lacking a bit of togetherness and direction. Never had any doubts whatsoever about dw's loyalty.

About 12 months ago dw's mother was very sick. In fact, she died shortly after being diagosed as terminal.

About the time she was diagnosed dw went for a weekend away to somewhere sunny with a group of gfs. They had a great time. Told me how they met a bunch of guys on the plane with loads of money and then went on the yacht. I was pleased for her.

Roll the clock forward 12 months and dw goes away for business overnight. She calls me on the second day of trip to say that ds is sick and needs collecting from school. Unable to do so herself as at other end of country, or so I thought. DW due back home at about 9pm. Various exchanges of texts in the evening, as dw wants to go out with work colleagues after getting off train. DW finally arrives home at 6am the followining day! I smell a rat.

I have never done this before, but went through her overnight bag and handbag...no work clothes, no work papers. What i found was a wet swimming costume, going out clothes and a room card for a smart London hotel in a man's name. So, I tackled the issue with DW.

DW was initially very evasive but finally owned up. Apparently around December last year, owner of said yacht calls DW and invites her out with his friends for a night out. They then see each other as 'just friends' in groups of other people once every 4 to 6 weeks. Sometimes he met her for lunch or after work for a quick drink. The culmination of all this was him (with all his money) booking her a room in very smart hotel (with a pool) so that she could have some time on her own. Apparently, they went out with a group on the first night, but her went home early due to a family problem - yes, he too is married with kids. He did not stay at the hotel. He came back the next day and took DW out for lunch at a smart restaurant and they went out again, in a group, in the evening. They stayed out later as he cut the previous evening short.

Apparently, she does not fancy him, but thinks that he is a great listener and really interesting. She swears that there has been no emotional or physical relationship between them. I really want to believe her, but I still feel a huge sense of betrayal. I admit, I probably havent been the most attentive husband over recent years, but nevertheless...

DW says she still loves me, and we have maintained an active sex life throughout. I love her dearly. We are working successfully at communicating and giving our life more direction. DW says that her actions were as a consequence of her mother's death and my lack of emotional attentiveness. She has even offered for me to meet the guy and says she wants to remain friends with him.

Has dw been having an emotional affair - or even something else - and if so, what is the best way to mend things?

Apologies for the ramble. I am very confused, but I hope that you are not.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Sorry op, she sounds very manipulative.

So her plan is to continue seeing her 'friend' and if you question it she cries until you shut up or she goes out.

I wouldn't accept this.

[Xales]

Sorry I think there is more than this than your wife is admitting.

She is doing what every single person who comes on here about their partner cheating says they do.

They never ever say you are right, I have cheated I admit it.

She and this man have been contacting each other privately without your knowledge. They have done so so often that they have got to the stage where he is booking hotel rooms (if you believe her for her alone) and she is lying to you to go to them.

You have nothing to gain from meeting this man with your wife unless his wife is there too as other have said. They will have got their story spot on perfect with their secret talks. Have you asked to see their conversations? I would if I were you and she is going to be 'honest'. Or check her phone bills to see how much they are in contact.

Right now you cannot believe your wife. She has point blank lied to you and appears to have no remorse for her actions. She wanted to be with this man in this smart hotel so much that she left a sick child to the other partner.

I think you need to go for an STI check also and ask her to.

[Apileofballyhoo]

Agree with everyone else. I'm sorry, OP.

[JammieMummy]

Sorry OP but I also agree with what everyone else is saying. Her story doesn't add up at all, if DS was ill she would have been there and she has only admitted the limited amount that she has due to you confronting her, it is only because you don't have hard evidence of the fact they have slept together that she hasn't had to admit it but you know in your heart of hearts the truth of this matter.

If you meet with this man his wife must also be there but to be honest I don't know why you would put yourself through that situation, when you know they have been having an affair. Men do not pay for posh hotel rooms for other people's wives and then go home for the night, it doesn't happen! If you won the lottery tomorrow would you do it?

I hope she starts being honest with you and that you can find the strength to get through what is going to be a very difficult time.

[Outrageousfortune]

Thanks all. Such great advice but I am confused as hell.

If she won't admit and I have no material evidence to prove a sexual or even deep emotional relationship, then where do I go from here?

[impatienttobemummy]

Check phone bills, bank account statements, emails etc... Start digging I'm afraid

[Outrageousfortune]

impatienttobemummy - I've just been digging! At the bottom of her knicker draw, i found a note book setting out the story of the last 12 months. She says she is keen to write a book and looks like she has framed out the story of the last 12 months. Not very revealing but first few pages laid down in scrawl, which tells the story of meeting him on the plane. She tells how he gave her his mobile number straight away and arranged for both groups to meet up 2 nights later. She says that she thought that she would 'never find anyone with a boat so fascinating'. He has told me before that he is a bit of a geezer, short, overweight, but charismatic and different to the people we know. Couldn't be any different to me then.

[MissStrawberry]

She got upset when you pushed the point.

I bet she did!!

[JammieMummy]

You don't need evidence when your heart knows the truth, if you want to dig and confront her with something then I understand that but to be honest. Would be saying "I have thought through everything you have told me, and I wasn't born last week! I know that there was more to you relationship" then list everything people have said on here as to how we all know she is lying.

I would keep digging too as it will be easier to confront her with evidence but you may not lie what you find.

[Leavenheath]

Sorry mate, but she's lying.

I've seen some terrific posts on here from posters who know a thing or two about bereavement and apparently affairs are a fairly common consequence, but of course only in those who are a bit selfish and entitled in the first place. I lost my dad a while ago, but I could no more have an affair than jump off a cliff.

As others have said, your DW's behaving no differently to a bloke who's been rumbled in an affair. She's lied, minimised and tried to blame a combination of her bereavement- and you personally- for her own behaviour.

Other posters are right too about the pull of this bloke because it's only sex and romance that would cause a parent not to return to a sick child, when that parent's got a choice to come home.

I'll give the same advice as I would to a woman. Refuse to accept blame, tell her you don't believe you've got the truth, inform her that even what she's admitted to constitutes an emotional affair and what's not in doubt is that she lied to you for many months- then ask for some space from her while you consider your options.

Putting up with this and agreeing to her still being in contact with this bloke has deepened her disrespect for you. The awful thing to is that every lie she told you, her disrespect probably got worse.

Unchecked, disrespect turns to contempt. She needs to lose you.

[Leavenheath]

Re. your argument about 'you've got no proof'- yes you have.

You've got proof that she lied to you numerous times.

That's a dealbreaker in lots of marriages, let alone the additional bits about hotel rooms, a year-long secret relationship and nights out you knew nothing about.

[Outrageousfortune]

Leavenheath - Thanks for your advice. Thanks to everyone for their advice. To more i read it the more it resonates and hurts.

I have made all the chasing since this friendship came to light, thinking that I have been a big part of the problem. Whilst I keep trying to ignore it, she has made none of the chasing. She is the one who has wronged me and she should be doing all the chasing, e.g. flowers, nights out, leading all the planning for the future. No apologies really. Can somebody be that stubborn and unempathetic?

She just looks at me and says "but I have one nothing wrong". What a fool I am being.

[Leavenheath]

Yes, it's all the wrong way round.

How anyone can say a year's worth of lies that are now in the open domain is not doing wrong, is beyond me.

It should be beyond you too.

A lot of very weak, selfish cheaters instantly blame their partners for their own behaviour and the worst ones try to gaslight a partner into thinking there was no wrong behaviour in the first place. So don't beat yourself up for feeling responsible for what happened- sadly you see women on here doing it all the time when an affair's uncovered. It must be really hard too if you're a decent sort who always trusted, because your default is to believe everything a loved one says and to look to your own faults, especially if that loved one is blaming you for something they did.

But no more.

[Outrageousfortune]

Leavenheath - Wise words. Thanks. I really appreciate them.

You'll think I'm mad but I love DW dearly and I want to make our marriage work.

Any wise words for turning this rechid situation around?

[JammieMummy]

That is part on the psyche of someone who has that type of affair, they will blame you, make you genuinely believe it is all your fault and then continue to use you, until your self esteem is somewhere in the gutter. Please don't take ANY of this blame on yourself, you have not lied to her, you have not been having an emotional affair for 12 months, you have not been seduced by money and you have not spent at least 2 nights in a hotel with another woman!! Absolutely NONE of this is your fault.

You sound like a great guy and your marriage clearly means a lot to you, I am sorry to say that if it meant as much to her she would be fighting twice as hard as you are now and would be doing everything in her power to win your trust back right now! Instead she is out with the "girls" how can you even be sure this is the truth? I absolutely agree with Leavenheath she is not respecting you and soon that will turn into contempt. The best way to save your marriage (if that is what you want to do after all of this) is to stand up for yourself and make her leave, if only to show her that she can't treat you this way and get away with it.

I am sorry if it sounds harsh but you need to take back some control and respect.

[Outrageousfortune]

JammieMummy - Thanks. I am 100% confident of where she is tonight, at least. But I am going to make a stand when she gets in. Watch this space!

[Annabelllll]

First of all I'm sorry u r going through this.
Your wife sounds like a nasty piece of work at the moment.
Wonderful advice from people above.
None of it is your fault - no relationship is perfect - but u r not having an affair and not taking girls to hotels & boats etc. U r trying to save your marriage but she must want that too. Right now she acts like a total slut.
U need to take control. Talk to her and take a step back. U need some time to breath .

[Outrageousfortune]

Annabellll - Thanks. Should I take 'some time to breath' away from her? Leave the family home for a while? cut off all contact?

[Leavenheath]

Any wise words for turning this rechid situation around?

Yes.

She's got to think she's lost you.

She's got to realise that there is zero chance of reconciliation until she starts telling you the whole ghastly truth and even then you might not be able to forgive what she's done.

But make it clear you'll never forgive and it would be impossible to while she's still lying to you.

A good tactic I've seen suggested on here is to infer you know more than you do. You don't have to supply all your 'evidence' just say that you know she is lying and want to separate while you think things through. You might add that if she wants to tell the truth you'll reflect on it and come back to her later with your decision.

Hold your cards close to your chest. Be enigmatic and don't say too much.

Quietly assert your need for truth and separation. Stick to those requests and do not be diverted from them.

Thing is, this isn't playing a game because once you know the full truth, much as you love her you might not want her back.

You can't know what you'll want till you know what's gone on.

I do know this plan has two outcomes.

It either brings the person back or she goes to the OM. If the latter, she would have gone there anyway so better to know now. Doesn't mean she won't regret it later, but you'll be much further along by then.

If it brings her back it means the onus is on her to prove she's worthy of a second chance. She'll respect your strength and your self-respect. She'll have looked at the loss of you in the face for the first time.

[Leavenheath]

Your wife is not a 'slut' incidentally. I know you didn't say that OP, but let's not allow this thread to feature any misogynistic rantings about women's sexual behaviour FFS.

[Outrageousfortune]

Leavenheath - Wise words indeed.

As I said to Jammiemummy earlier, I am going to take this approach when she arrives home shortly. Wish me luck.

[Leavenheath]

Good luck

[JammieMummy]

Good luck from here too

[hellsbellsmelons]

How did it go OP?
Really hope you got some of the truth but I have my doubts.
I agree with others, she needs to understand loss. It's the only thing cheaters understand in this kind of situation.
Why do you have to move out? Is she primary carer?
If she is then yes take a few days away and only discuss contact with the kids until she can tell you the truth.
Good luck!

[MissStrawberry]

I don't think you should be the one to leave the family home. It could be very hard to get back in to it.