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Relationships

Not ready to commit?

86 replies

AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife · 12/10/2013 11:09

I have namechanged for this due to obvious reasons.

DP and I have been going out for 6 years. We met quite young but we have been living together for years and are in our mid twenties.
I am working full time and supporting us completely as he has decided to go back to university. So far so good.

Recently I have been thinking about marriage more and we have talked about it as a couple. He seems to be reluctant to get engaged and married. He says he is too young and he doesn't see the rush as it's no big deal. It is a big deal to me. I also feel like we are making huge decisions based on us staying together so why not formalise it? We are living together, we have joint finances, I will support him through his university degree which means we need to live on a tiny budget. I have moved away from my family and for a variety of reasons us staying together will mean that it will be almost impossible to ever move back close to them. So I feel like I am compromising, taking him into account when making decisions and so on. On the other hand it doesn't feel like he is willing to compromise on something that is very important to me.

I know marriage doesn't offer complete security but it does offer a bit. I also feel like we are committing to each other so much, why not do it properly? I just can't see his point if view.

I have explained this to him in a non-confrontational way and he seemed to agree with me, making big promises. But this morning I used his computer and found search history about things like "She wants to get married, I am too young" (just an example). I probably shouldn't have looked but there we go, he obviously is not on the same sheet as me.

While I know marriage might not be important to some people it is to me and I am very disappointed today after finding out that he is lying to my face while googling the above. I am not some nutter who talks about marriage and babies every day but considering everything we have been going through, the years we have been together and the choices we are currently facing in life I don't feel unjustified in asking where he sees us in future and to think about marriage. It's making me feel insecure in my relationship despite everything else going well.

Not sure anyone can actually help me, but it feels good to write it down. Any advice about what to do? My open and frank chat obviously didn't work.

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FortKnox · 14/10/2013 11:09

When I did my MA not all universities offered financial support and, to qualify, you had to have a First from your BA. But that was a few years back so the rules may have changed though!
I got support from my parents (in the form of a loan that will be paid back) and worked alongside. For my subject there were very few classes so it was fine working quite a bit alongside.

On the commitment issue - someone I know once described relationships in terms of cooked breakfasts. In a relationship you are either a chicken or a pig. The chicken was involved in the breakfast by laying an egg, but fundamentally the chicken isn't tied to the breakfast. It is free to wander off and get involved with however many other breakfasts it feels like.

The pig, on the other hand, is completely sacrificed to the breakfast. It can't go off and be involved with anything else as it is sliced up on a plate already! Fundamentally a relationship between a chicken and a pig is totally uneven and unbalanced.

This is all a roundabout way of saying that you are "all in" in this relationship. You're the bacon. You have moved and done all this other incredibly committed stuff - for someone who doesn't appear to have shown any willingness to do the same for you.

How did your chat go yesterday?

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CharityFunDay · 14/10/2013 02:18

You can apply for Student Finance at any point during a degree, AFAIK.

I would be sending off for the forms for him, he sounds like a bit of a liability. Too much investment for too uncertain an outcome.

If he thinks he's too young to get married, what he's really saying is he wants to play the field, imho.

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PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 13/10/2013 20:10

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PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 13/10/2013 20:04

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LividofLondon · 13/10/2013 12:55

I agree with Offred when she says "There is no such thing as wanting to get married in the future. That is utter bullshit. Either you want to get married to someone or you don't."

If he is not anti marriage then he's had plenty of time with you to decide if you are his Miss Right, someone he can be with long term. If you are his Miss Right, long term partner, then IMO there is nothing stopping him commiting now. So I see his "I'm too young to get married" as actually meaning he doesn't want to commit to YOU, that he is keeping his options open by remaining single.

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ImperialBlether · 13/10/2013 12:32

Me too, Katie. My daughter's doing hers now while working 30 hours pw. There's no reason why the OP's boyfriend can't support himself.

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MadameLeMean · 13/10/2013 12:22

I would not be funding a boyfriend through university unless there was more commitment there eg owning a house together / having a child / engagement imminent

You could end up royally screwed, no matter how good the relationship is now. You see it as a forever relationship, but it's not clear that he does. As previous posters have said, he can't have it both ways and is unreasonable to expect you to pay for his uni but refuses to commit after six years together.

The only reason people feel "too young" to get married is because deep down they want to keep their options open. If you are sure, you are sure. Sorry.

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KatieScarlett2833 · 13/10/2013 12:19

I did my masters while working full time and having 2 DC.
It never even crossed my mind to expect my family to take a financial hit for something that was for my benefit alone.
I've been married for 20 years.
Why can't he work and fund himself?

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ImperialBlether · 13/10/2013 12:18

Do you have any money in the bank, OP? I think in your position now would be a great time to end the relationship and spend a year travelling and working abroad. If you end the relationship and stay in the same place then for one thing it's not a place you've chosen to live and for another you'd have to see him around. If you went back to where you were living, you said you'd find that difficult.

Have you ever fancied travelling? Getting a long way away from the situation and having a few adventures would be a fantastic way of spending the next year or two rather than spending it funding someone to a better life whilst suffering yourself.

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JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/10/2013 12:12

I think you need to withdraw whatever "funding" you are supplying to him.

But not as a bargaining chip.

Just as a done deal.

He doesn't want to marry you (yet?), and that's fine.

But you don't OWE him his masters. You don't owe him living in this place you didn't want to move to.

You are young too and you owe YOURSELF doing whatever it is will make YOUR life the happiest, most successful, most exciting life you can have.

Spend that money you're earning on your own dreams, on your own future.

Seriously.

If this is true love, then you don't need to be following him around the country and subsidising his studies in order to keep him.

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ImperialBlether · 13/10/2013 12:01

No, you can't be sure.

Be careful about the chat, though. I'm not saying he's with you for mercenary reasons - I'm sure he's not - but if you suggest withdrawing funding you might find he's willing to, say, get engaged.

Surely you want someone to be desperate to be with you, who decides for himself to marry you, rather than having it forced out of him in an argument?

What do you think your life would be like if you went off and did your own thing now? Where would you like to live? What would you like to be doing?

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expatinscotland · 13/10/2013 12:01

I really hope your support has only been free place to stay, food, bills and not actual payment for the course. What Joined said. This guy is your boyfriend.

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AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife · 13/10/2013 08:57

Thank you very much everyone, I read all your answers again last night. Someone asked whether I had asked him about marriage in the future. I obviously have and he agreed to it, but looking at his google history I just can't be sure whether he means any of it can I?

I will have to have a big chat today after work.

OP posts:
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AWarmFuzzyFuture · 13/10/2013 08:15

Very well said JoinYourPlayfellows :)

This is the heart of the issue: If he's too young to get married, then he's too young to have a girlfriend supporting him through his masters

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34DD · 12/10/2013 20:53

This reply has been deleted

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Wellwobbly · 12/10/2013 20:40

This is not good. If he is not prepared to be committed, you should not be investing in him, or even subsidising his bed and board.

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Aroundtheworldandback · 12/10/2013 20:19

I'm not saying this will definitely happen- but how would you feel if after his degree he met someone else, committed to her, and they would naturally both go on to enjoy the fruits of your investment. Stranger things have happened. Don't be romantic.

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Viviennemary · 12/10/2013 20:14

Completely agree with JoinYourPlayfellows. You should not be financially responsible for this person. I can't think of one reason why you should be. Please don't do this.

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Aroundtheworldandback · 12/10/2013 20:05

Offred's posts make the most sense. The level of commitment is not the same. By accepting funding from her he should be committed enough to get married or simply should not accept it, it's so clearly wrong.

JoinYourPlayFellows you just said it better than me.

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Rules · 12/10/2013 20:02

You have given so much to this man, moved for him, supported him. If he had wanted to marry you then he would have done so by now. As things are presently, he does not want to marry you. You could be wasting your time if marriage is what you want. Generally when a man loves you he cant wait to make you his and put a ring on your finger.

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JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/10/2013 20:00

If he's too young to get married, then he's too young to have a girlfriend supporting him through his masters.

He can't have it both ways.

You are WAY TOO YOUNG to be working your arse off to support a BOYFRIEND through his masters just because he can't afford it otherwise.

If he can't afford it without you paying for it, he can't afford it.

"I always thought I'm supporting him now, I might need him to support me one day... Just how relationships work."

No, that's how MARRIAGES work.

This guy is not your husband, he has made no promises to be with you long term.

He's your boyfriend.

And he's using you.

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Offred · 12/10/2013 19:50

Maybe that is a compromise? That he could work to support himself?

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Offred · 12/10/2013 19:38

Either way, lots of people work their way through post grad quals.

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Offred · 12/10/2013 19:35

The people I know are doing history subjects, don't know anyone doing arts.

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jasminerose · 12/10/2013 18:18

Hes in his mid twenties which is pretty old. I think he is making excuses, and I definitely wouldnt want to be supporting him through university.

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