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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

To be upset?

30 replies

tempchangefornow · 10/10/2013 10:55

Here just for traffic really, name changed, DH knows my usual username.

Where to start?
Have been with DH for 3 years, Married for 1, Have 1yr old and 5months pregnant. All very happy, no arguments beyond a bit of sniping when we're tired etc and we resolve quickly.
So all in all, a good relationship, loving, respectful etc etc.

Now, DH likes porn, I know this, have always known this, he doesn't hide it. He knows I'm not a fan, I find it tacky and demeaning but if he uses it personally when i'm not around and it's not something that enters my world then I'm fine with that.

I also know that there are aspects of our sex life especially during current pregnancy that are lacking for him. I do my best to compensate for him, but tbh I mostly just feel like shit and not up for anything at all.
He is not pushing, completely understanding and reassuring to me that it's not an issue.
so until this morning I thought we had a great understanding etc relationship.

Then I got all nosy. His FB was logged in, and I went nosing through his messages. I don't even know why, I have no suspicions of anything, I didn't expect to find anything, I was really just being a nosy cow.
I found a conversation, with an online friend of his, I have seen him talking to this person a lot, they share an interest in a game they both play, in which I have zero interest, so never paid much attention.
During the last few days of this conversation DH has talked to this person in a way I have never heard him talk about sex (other person is male btw)
In a very blokey bravado way I suppose, but disrespectful and horrible :(
He talked about doing things that I won't do, don't enjoy etc, to other people, celebrities mostly but also a person he has met a few times at a group we go to. He also talked about all the porn he was watching, to which his friend said and I quote 'Why not just use the wife' and he laughed at this because it's things I'd not do.
DH then talked about pretty girls he'd seen/met at a course he's doing.

This is just a small part of it, I stopped reading because I feel sick and shaky and upset.
I feel fat and mundane and useless and sexually shit now.

DH is asleep upstairs after being up all night with DC, he'll be up soon, how can I be normal with him? I don't think I can, but I only know all of this because I was being a nosy cow! He'd be really upset I was nosing through his FB I expect.

I don't know what to do :(

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Hamwidgeandcheps · 10/10/2013 18:33

Exh would have said what neo said. But he put his sexual 'needs' above everything/everyone else . Hopefull the op dh is a bit more mature.

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Jan45 · 10/10/2013 17:21

Haha.....cough.

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NeedlesCuties · 10/10/2013 17:11

Neo, I'm going to assume you are the strange friend the OP's DH had.

Not helpful.

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pinkyredrose · 10/10/2013 17:09

Poor bugger. A whole section of his sexuality that's unavailable to him and now he can't even explore it in fantasy. sad

I'm assuming that's a pisstake.

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tempchangefornow · 10/10/2013 15:07

Neo, if by saying no more disgusting porn and demeaning 'chat' with strangers on the internet is depriving him of an entire aspect of his sexuality, he is more than welcome to leave the marriage and indulge himself without hurting me.
Luckily for him and our marriage he doesn't seem to see it that way.

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PeppiNephrine · 10/10/2013 14:47

Poor bugger? Ewwwwwww @ your standards.

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NeoFaust · 10/10/2013 14:45

Poor bugger. A whole section of his sexuality that's unavailable to him and now he can't even explore it in fantasy. :(

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Jan45 · 10/10/2013 14:41

Good for you, he doesn't need that much porn in his life or some weird friend to share sexual fantasies with, I hope he proves himself to you but be very careful from now on.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 14:21

Well done taking the assertive route :) Sounds like he's taken you very seriously but keep your eyes open. That 'non-negotiable' line in the sand is an ultimatum you can't weaken on.

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tempchangefornow · 10/10/2013 14:18

Very emotional conversation with DH, he never said anything about me having looked so that was one thing I didn't have to deal with.
He is ashamed and upset and very apologetic and terrified of losing us.
He admitted that he is watching too much porn and had developed a strange friendship with this person. Swore that he doesn't speak like this to anybody else, and doesn't think like this usually. Can't explain why it happened with this friend.
He had deleted this person from his fb, twitter and blocked him. Has given me all passwords to his accounts and laptop, sworn to stop looking at porn and look for help with issues he has around it.

For now I am happy with this, well not happy, but it's acceptable to me and I won't be asking him to leave.

I have made if clear that any use if porn, or hint of this happening is the end if our marriage and is non negotiable. He accepts this,and knows he will have to work hard to regain trust etc.

Thanks for everyone's help, I feel much less shaky and horrible now!

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Vivacia · 10/10/2013 12:15

I'm so, so sorry for you. I don't see how you can not bring this up.

I do think this says very little about you, your relationship and your sex life and far more about power, control, him and his attitude to women. Don't know how this helps though.

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tempchangefornow · 10/10/2013 12:10

I'm also wondering how well I know him, which is fucking terrifying, given that I'm married to him and about to have our second child Sad

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Jan45 · 10/10/2013 12:08

I'm actually wondering how well you know him, 3 years is not a long time.

Re the snooping, it's hardly up there with what he's doing/talking about - behind your back!

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MumsAlterEgo · 10/10/2013 12:05

I agree with many of the others; this is not just part of sexual exploration but part of who he fundamentally is. He is exhibiting obsessive behaviour that is impacting his real life and either he needs to seek help with the issue and you both move past it or you need to kick him out.

Should you have snooped? Maybe not but I suspect many of us do the same if we are honest and frankly if he had nothing to hide there would be no issue anyway. Ultimately you now have this information and if he attempts to argue you have invaded his privacy then you can argue that that is such a minor issue given the situation. Forgive him or don't forgive him but don't ignore it and let it eat away at you!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 12:02

You block any accusations of snooping with 'never mind how I came across this, you're the one that needs to explain yourself' Keep batting it back...

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tempchangefornow · 10/10/2013 11:58

Ok, I'll definitely be bringing it up, I can't not really it's affected me too much.

I can guarantee my looking will be a hurdle to get over before I can really make any point. How do I field that? I was nosy I'm sorry but...? Sounds ridiculous.
I'd almost feel better if I had felt like there was a reason to look, just being a bit bored and doing it is a bit shit isn't it.

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quoteunquote · 10/10/2013 11:53

So sorry this is happing to you, I suspect that tip of a large iceberg,

screen shot, and print it all out, stick it up on the wall, it will start to give him idea of what kind of impact his choices are having on your relationship.

I'm sorry I waded in with my above suggestion, it's just I have seen this play out quite a few times before.

Is he capable of being honest with himself?

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Jan45 · 10/10/2013 11:47

It's not the anal sex I'm finding abhorrent, it's his conversation with his friend about it, that seems a bit weird to me.

Sounds like he's using porn far too much it's spilling into his rl.

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JustBecauseICan · 10/10/2013 11:45

Yuck.

This is tip of the iceberg I imagine.

Dig a little deeper if you aren't scared of what you'll find.

Because there will be more.

Did he use the term "pretty girls" when he was talking with his friend? Because given the rest of the conversation I find such an innocuous term a bit hard to believe....Funny too (or not) that the "pretty girls he met at a conference" comment came on top of a tale about him wanting to do things that you didn't.

How very squalid.

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tempchangefornow · 10/10/2013 11:43

Thanks for moving it.

He was talking about anal sex, it's something I tried and don't enjoy so is not and will never be a part of our sex life. He was taking about it in a very demeaning 'porny' type way.
He also has a fetish, nothing unusual and something I try to incorporate into our sex life where I can. It does nothing for me, but equally is no bother for me to indulge.
He talked about this a LOT it was this that was directed to the rl people.

I could bring up things that are hurting our relationship, I haven't problem talking to him, but until I read this I didnt know this issue existed so I'd have to fess up to reading his messages.

I feel really shit for doing it now, I was just being generally nosy, didn't expected find anything bad at all!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 11:41

I think 'male bravado' is minimising this. It's would not be inconsistent for a porn user to have a pretty low opinion of what they regard as a certain type of woman. Females other than the wife are 'meat'. A decent man simply wouldn't be having the conversation in the first place. 'Why not use the wife?' is such a revolting phrase and, again, any decent man would have told someone saying that to back off and show some respect.

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Jan45 · 10/10/2013 11:37

Re the porn, I'd be concerned how much and what he's actually watching going by the convo you've read. How bad is his porn habit?

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BucketArse · 10/10/2013 11:36

Meh, he's a porn user, he's fucked up.

What did you expect would happen?

Sorry OP - you need to stop being so bloody tolerant of his porn habit. It just fuels contempt and disgust for women - including you.

His comments may be bravado - but they may be the 'real him'.

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Jan45 · 10/10/2013 11:35

That's pretty horrible to find. It must make you feel distrustful towards him now, what else has he said/done, you really will need to have it out with him, so what, you snooped, not as bad as what he's been doing is it?

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quoteunquote · 10/10/2013 11:29

You are not unreasonable to be upset, that is horrid thing to come across.

What a weird thing to do, discuss it in detail.

Does he know how it makes you feel?

Is he discussing anal sex, and have you ever suspected him for having other tendencies?

I only ask as I know that how my friend's husband gentle eased himself out of denial, by testing the waters with another man.

please don't worry, I very much doubt it is that, he's probably just messed his head up with porn,desensitised himself and needs to address it,

How would he respond if you asked him to revaluate his attitude, as it is hurting your relationship?

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