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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

pain in my chest

106 replies

sssosad · 29/09/2013 10:07

I've been alone for 6 weeks after my husband of 32years left me. I'm in a state of horror and stunned unreality. I have no children at home and no relations closer than 80miles away. Moved to the middle of nowhere - 5 miles from a village - 10 years ago with the idea of saving money(!) and working less. Didn't really have a clear plan except that my partner is bipolar and we thought this would be less stressful.

I am finding the days passing so incredibly painful I can hardly eat/sleep or even breathe properly. This site has been amazingly helpful.

OP posts:

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cjel · 10/10/2013 11:53

just care for yourself and you will be the best person to judge what your marriage needs, Give yourself time and the rest will follow. Trust yourself.x

Whatnext074 · 10/10/2013 00:44

sssosad - not sure if you've gone yet but I don't think you'll find the answer to your situation on an internet search. You can't compare marriages and searches only bring confusion because everybody's experience is so different.

Go with what your heart and head tells you is right. Take your time, there is no rush. I hope things work out how you want them too. Take care x

sssosad · 10/10/2013 00:38

well we've talked and talked and I'm sure that's what we'll go on doing. I've said I don't want him to move back in any time frame - his flat is rented until february.

A very old friend - 86 with a 65yr old marriage said recently that although he and his wife had never actually parted they had had a huge seismic shift in their relationship after 30 years and he felt that if they had been brave enough to part they would have had a chance to rebuild their relationship on a new basis. Instead it had taken 10 years of shifting to get into the next bit of their lives.

I pointed out how vicious the other relationship has been - ie that it was really too different to compare, but I've thought about it a lot since - he shut up the minute I mentioned the difference and I felt he thought he had been too forward. Wish I'd kept my mouth shut really!

I wish there was a web site like this where I could find some really ancient marriages to look at? We change throughout our lives and until recently most marriages were 40 years at best - do we have to find different ways of living if we are to live so long? am I blathering?

I'm so confused and tired that right now all I want is to be on my own - well that's a huge huge step in the right direction.....my friends and family have been astonishing and my friends here have given me a totally new appreciation of the web.

I think I should close this thread at present because I need to just read a book and watch some old movies in bed.

I want to thank you all, i don't know anything about mums net - but I'll leave this open for now incase anyone wants to tell me about a fantastic website for recovering marriages? I hope so much this is what I'm looking at!
thank you

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2013 15:29

Glad you have a ferocious sister :) Pleased also that you're not rushing back and that you're taking your time out. You have all the time in the world here and, now the immediate fear and pain has lifted, you have chance to examine your real feelings. Don't be surprised, in other words, if that anxiety turns into anger.

BelleDameSansMerci · 09/10/2013 15:17

I have just read your whole thread. I think your husband is incredibly selfish and, frankly, not fit to wipe your boots let alone be the cause of your tears. How bloody dare he tell you the "pity fuck" request?!

It is so, so apparent that you want him back; that you want your life together again. If that's possible for you perhaps you could use this interlude to figure out how you want that life to be. Maybe not all about him? He's not treated you with any respect at all and you do, surely, deserve that at the very least.

And I don't know how your sister resists punching him on the nose

Please be kind to you. Not him. You.

sssosad · 09/10/2013 14:59

sorry I can't put a bowl of delicious bottled damsons on here for you Twinklestein.....I am staying strong and I am keeping myself calm. I think CogitoErgoSometimes has the nail on the head to a tee.....I have to look after myself. to which end, I think he's got to a do a lot of serious talking and, naff though it sounds, quite a lot of wooing and courting before he has a chance of making this work. I feel anxious that it will all fall apart, but I think we have a chance. I've got my sister here for a few days and she is very cautious and angry with him. good person to have here. Next week I had planned to be away. He's not trying to influence what I do/with whom or where...

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 08/10/2013 21:31

Thinking of you (and damsons) x

Whatnext074 · 08/10/2013 21:00

Stay strong and thinking of you

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 20:54

Glad you're feeling stronger. How you play this now will determine how your life proceeds from here. Start as you mean to go on.

sssosad · 08/10/2013 20:49

not sure quite what's going on....just taking it conversation by conversation...day by day...he's told Janine it's all over and he's not going to see her agine. He's going to go on living in his flat while we talk. He has never done anything like this in 32yrs...so I think I have to reserve judgement for a few days at least.....I feel stronger, but scared.....

OP posts:

Whatnext074 · 08/10/2013 20:24

sssosad - I'm guessing yesterday was emotionally draining. How are you today?

cjel · 08/10/2013 09:55

Morning OP. Thinking of you this morning. Remember what he wants doesn't have to be what you want as well.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 08:13

Sadly, I know what it's like when you feel so wretched and alone that, when the not-quite-ex-yet holds out some olive branch, you desperately want everything to go back to normal. And yet, even if you take the olive branch, you know things will not be normal. So, whatever happened, I just hope the OP is OK today.

FavoriteThings · 08/10/2013 08:09

Another theory. Perhaps you and the ow are good at persuading. Can I ask,[you dont have to answer], is did you try and subtly try and persuade him to come back?

FavoriteThings · 08/10/2013 08:08

Perhaps the ow has kicked him into touch?
I have been wondering from this thread, and the last one, whether he is one of those men who always has to have a girlfriend or wife. I know two men like this. They go into an absolute panic if they dont have a woman interested in them, for more than two weeks. Though once they get the woman, they seem to be generally trustworthy to them. Fear of losing one maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe they just then become content.

FavoriteThings · 08/10/2013 08:04

Not sure what to write. I saw Cogito had posted, and I was hoping she had written more than she did! As she has more experience of this than me, from a certain pov anyway.

I noticed you posted this at 1am. Is this because you couldnt sleep. Or is he maybe still there? Not being nosy. Maybe you have talked for many hours?

I am a bit stunned myself. I am a bit concerned about the situation and for you tbh.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 06:51

I hope you're OK this morning OP.

sssosad · 08/10/2013 01:09

he wants to work it out. shell shocked.

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cjel · 07/10/2013 18:32

Oh dear , did you let him back after he'd been out. Is it you or him crying? He needs to realise that you are not together anymore and he needs to do all this discussing with someone else. You are speding far too much time with him for your own good OP. He doesn't want you and is just using you

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 16:05

"crying and talking and on and on and on."

Self-indulgent bollocks... Have you any respect left for this person and his crocodile tears? Don't you despise him for being so pathetic?

FavoriteThings · 07/10/2013 15:59

Actually, dont let him back through the door.

FavoriteThings · 07/10/2013 15:57

Agree with Cogito. Enough is enough. Show him the door.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 15:55

Just tell him to piss off. Seriously. What are you.. his therapist? .. his mother?... his all-purpose shoulder to cry on? He has shat on you from a great height, left you reeling, damn near suicidal, three stone lighter and ... what?... he still thinks you're his friend?

Find the ... stop letting him torment you.

sssosad · 07/10/2013 15:52

i know....

OP posts:

sssosad · 07/10/2013 15:51

crying and talking and on and on and on. He's gone to get more cigarettes to keep on going...

OP posts:

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