I wish I could die

[notsostrong1985]

I am sorry if my post offends anyone but I can't deal with my life anymore. I wish I could die.

I am a complete fuck up. I am a horrible nasty piece of shit and not worth the air I breath. If I didn't have my two children I would have killed myself by now. I wish I could die, I wish I was never born. I am a skinny rat, with nothing to offer and a whole fucked up personality. I have so many issues that I am trying to work through and these issues have completely fucked my life up. I am a control freak and a waste of space. My partner has left me for these reasons after 11 years of being together because I make his life hell. I struggle to deal with things that happened to me as a child and am currently having cognitive behaviour therapy which I thought would help but it has just made things worse as it has brought my past back up to the front of my mind and he can't deal with my moods as they make him mad. I have had to ring my manager at work today to tell him that I won't be coming back as my DP looked after the children and now he is gone and there is no one else. I am distort and a mess. My poor children, I have made their farther leave and he has said he is not coming back. I have messed everything up and there is no way back. I just wish I wasn't the person I am, I wish I could crawl under a stone and die

[something2say]

Your partner was abusive too. It probably doesn't feel like it now but really, the more of them that fuck off out of your life, the better. X. I know it leaves it a bit empty but time will sort that out x

[LondonNinja]

Sorry X-posted.

"He says if I was with any other man they would have put me in hospital by now." WTAF????????????? Believe me, OP, you are well rid of this abusive fuckwit. I would bet lots of money that he has contributed to your feelings of negativity in a major way. What an arsehole he is.

[notsostrong1985]

Thank you so much. I am in tears.

[Chubfuddler]

When you've suffered grade 10 abuse in the past someone who is say grade 5 abusive can seem like a prince. (There is no such grading obviously, I am making them up but you know what I mean).

The only level of abuse tolerable in any relationship of any kind is none.

[LondonNinja]

"I have said some horrible things to him when he has called me names as I refused to cower to him"

Good for you, OP! The truth is - he couldn't take it when you were assertive. Of course you said horrid things to him when he called you names! We all bloody well would. He's awful. Now - you have got to get his opinions of you out of your head and remember he was talking bollocks and was also an abuser.

You need some positive talk - start with what we are all saying here and try it yourself. And see how your girls adore you. You're alright you know, you really are (though it doesn't feel that way right now).

[namechangeforareasonablereason]

look at it this way - this man who has left you because you are so useless, and so worthless and so pathetic

he has left your most precious possession with you - your girls, he has no doubts in how you look after them, actions and words

you are SO MUCH better off without him and in a years time, you will be filled with relief that he is gone and you will be so much happier

I promise you 20 months ago, I wanted to die - I NEVER thought I would feel happiness again, life is not a bed of roses, but there are moments of total joy and I grab at them and I believe, that one day, all those moments will join up and life will be full of happiness again

Each day, do 1 thing NICE, just for you - even if its only taking 5 and having a cup of tea and your favourite biscuit

call in some real life support, ask for a local mumsnetter to come round if you have to - anything for some company

[mineofuselessinformation]

Stay positive and keep seeking help. It's the best thing you can do for you and your dds right now.

[namechangeforareasonablereason]

and dont think about the days or weeks ahead, baby steps, focus on the next hour and the next hour, the next 5 minutes if you have to

focus on the practical, see you GP and get signed off work for a month - go sick while you have a think

ring the tax credits make sure money starts coming in
ring the council re council tax credit
CSA for maintenance if he stops paying

those are things you can control straight away x

[notsostrong1985]

Thank you all for your support. You don't know how much it means to me that there is someone who thinks I am not shit. I don't have any RL support, no friends as have trust issues, no family to call. Live in a new area so don't know anyone here but this is really helping, thank you

[LondonNinja]

Good advice re practical things to do.

Also, when you are feeling dominated by your past issues, don't give in to them. Mentally pick up that little girl you once were and vow to yourself that you will keep her (you) safe now. Be kind and tender, be patient, sweet and filled with all the love she missed. You're an adult now and can do that for yourself and for your DDs.

You show them. Ask for help, too. It's a hard, awful thing to deal wit, but I sincerely believe that you are already succeeding - you have managed to eradicate an abuser from your life without even knowing it! You are stronger than you think.

[notsostrong1985]

Didn't think about going on the sick but unfortunately I would just be stalling the inevitable that I would have to eventually leave in the end and I have told him today that I can't come back due to childcare issues and partner leaving. He is going to ring me at 9:00am to discuss further.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. But wow, it sounds like you have come such a long long way. You could not go on living a half life, burying horrible things, ignoring the past: this troubled and horrible past has partly shaped you into the wonderful compassionate human being you are, and it's your horrible past that will finally redeem you and allow you to live a full life and an honest life - and be the wise wonderful mother to your dds that you so want to be.

This is the worst bit: the dredging up, the counselling, the regurgitating memories and trying to process them, and yes, the debilitating anger.

Your partner was obviously not up to the task of seeing you through this process. He has taken the easy route. This is a reflection on him not on you. But you must keep going with the CBT and continue to reach out for help and understanding. The earlier poster suggests a book - try to read everything you can.. this is the book and there's a workbook that goes with it here

Keep posting love. It really does get better.

[LondonNinja]

Best of luck with work, OP. Does your employer have an occupational health dept? I don't know, but sometimes workplaces can offer and help with counselling issues (even if you are signed off sick).

[namechangeforareasonablereason]

of course you have trust issues, I wont leave my children with anyone except their dad, my mum and my sister, and I only leave them with the last 2 because I know it is good for them so i force myself.

It makes me so angry on your behalf that he has dragged you so low and left you the girls - totally contradicting any idea you are crap - because you are strong enough to look after them now.

I joined the local attachment parent group and I have made lots of new friends, with people who rarely leave their children (except for work mostly), its nice to meet people who feel the same way, albeit for different reasons, if you wanted to pm me where you are I could find your local group on FB, even if you never go and use it for online support.

[namechangeforareasonablereason]

notsostrong stalling is fine, you should never make hasty decisions and they are still paying you - better if they manage you out through the sick process than you just leave (its what I am hoping to do)

Tell work you aren't up to talking at the moment and get that sick note, give yourself a chance to at least breathe honey xx

[MsPeterPan]

Aw sweetheart, your past is not your fault. It happened to a child.....you cannot take responsibility for how it left you as an adult.

Your partner had absolutely no insight whatsoever as to how your past effected you as an adult. He didn't stick around whilst you sought help either. His loss. He will now miss out on seeing the person you were always meant to be one day. He is the weak one here - not you.Just look at what you have survived so far in life! You are a survivor, you are stronger than you think!

Have courage my friend x I am a fellow survivor too x

[notsostrong1985]

Thank you for all your support, links and suggested books. I just wish he had stayed as I really love him and have supported him in the past so many times with his own issues but when it was my turn, he walked. My youngest is only 1 but all she has been saying all day is dada dada, it breaks my heart.
The only thing about going on the sick at work and being managed out is when I request a reference in the future they will add the reason for leaving which will be dismissed and this will screw up my chance of future employment as I have been with them for 3 years. I am upset about leaving as I was due to start a 3 year MSc course in my relevant field at uni which costs £9000 altogether and work were going to pay for it. I can never ever afford to pay for that myself so everything really is fucked up now. I've worked so hard and all for nothing in the end.

[namechangeforareasonablereason]

you wont be dimissed they would have to negotiate, dont make decisions in the heat of the moment, really, tomorrow and the next and the next may be different - I had a year sick, 8 months maternity, an organisation big enough to fund an MSC will be able to help you through this - you dont need to resign now

[notsostrong1985]

Thinking about it, he has been abusive throughout the full 11 years in many ways. I am getting angry now thinking about this as he has never respected my boundaries and then says I have boundary issues, it confuses me.

[namechangeforareasonablereason]

go sick delay the MSC start til next academic year, I know it seems black and too much, believe me I know how desparate you feel, but time, it will help

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Whoa, hang on there a minute: is your selfish exP working and the father of your children? he needs to be paying maintenance. is he? When did he actually leave?

You can still do the Msc. You can find a way. Let's all put our heads together.

[notsostrong1985]

He is the farther of my children. He didn't work as I worked and he looked after the kids. His excuse was there is no point in me working as you can earn more than me.

[notsostrong1985]

along with him not liking authority

[Unlikelyamazonian]

What a catch. Not. So where has he gone to, how is he paying for it, and when did he leave? Look, you are feeling shit right now but this will pass. You are obviously clever, resourceful and loving. You need to ask for help, always be honest - with your employer and your counsellor. Reach out for support and advice - can you delay the MSc for a year while you complete CBT? You definitely need to look into some benefit help or other entitlementgs now that he has left the home. Council tax discount, child and working tax benefit...this can help you pay for childcare. Hang on in there. try to keep eating and try to get some rest.

[notsostrong1985]

Thank you for trying to think of a way I could still do my course but there really isn't one. If I leave within 5 years from the start of the course then I have to pay the company the full amount back. I think the best thing is to leave because if I don't and end up going on the sick then I will eventually have to leave in the end.