"Staying together for the child(ren)" Did anyone's parents do this?

[alikat724]

Our marriage has stumbled from crisis to crisis for 3 years, and the reality is that the only reason we are still together is because we have a DD, who will be 2 in November, and we both desperately want her to grow up in a happy family unit. Our crises are all self-generated - no cheating/affairs or anything, although there is an EA/VA issue associated with him being a binge-drinker - and I bear huge resentment because he has reneged on having a second child; so some fairly big issues. DH has agreed to start counselling for the drinking-related stuff, and I trust that he will follow through with it. We will do whatever it takes to make this work - I am hoping we will do an Imago couples counselling workship in November BUT - my question here is, does anyone know if their parents stayed together "for the children"? How does that make you feel, and do you think it was the right thing to do?

[Chubfuddler]

Well I'm afraid if he's an emotionally and verbally abusive binge drinker you don't have something very special anymore.

Be careful.

[EasyCompadre]

Yes, mine did. They eventually split when my youngest sibling was 18... About 10 years too late in my opinion. Living with the constant tension and not knowing what mood we were coming home from school to was unbearable at times. As I got older, I became very resentful of the two of them, that they could be so selfish as to put us through that.... I went from being sympathetic supportive and devastated for my mum every time she cried, to being frustrated and impatient with the mood swings. It got to a point where i would actively avoid being alone with either of them because i was just soooo tired of the 'talks', of having heir fucked up-ness projected onto me, sighhhh. It took my mum a long time to get over the split, and it's had some horrid repercussions for both parents and therefore us kids too, but thankfully it finally now seems to be calming down. Don't do it OP, I don't thank my parents for it.

[RaspberryRuffle]

My aunt and uncle have stayed together 'for' their children, despite his alcoholism and occasional violence when drunk. It's so messed up, they are messed up, aunt thinks she is doing the right thing, my cousins allegedly don't know about the physical abuse, I am not 'permitted' (by family) to tell them (they're quite a bit younger than me but now late teens/early 20s so adults). Cousin 1 has had fairly disastrous relationships already, I see that behaviour mentioned by others upthread where she thinks just not arguing is better for the 'relationship'. Cousin 2 has real difficulty comprehending why her mum didn't remove her from the situation (she talked about leaving a few times but it so far hasn't happened, she feels too guilty, thinks marriage is for life, for better for worse etc).

Alikat, have a good think about your relationship and what outside factors influence it. Certainly give it your best shot, but your best shot to work through the problems, don't just stay indefinitely if the environment is more negative than positive.

[BigPawsBrown]

I think you should go to couples' counselling together, an then decide whether or not staying together for the sake of your DD is a good idea when you know if this is your only option. At the moment id suggest working on your marriage first.

[scripsi]

My first boyfriend's parents did. It was awful for him as he tried to pretend he hadn't noticed and felt dreadfully guilty that he knew exactly what the situation was. You could cut the atmosphere in his household with a knife. It really messed him up into adulthood.

[Spree]

Mine did and I always wished they hadn't - their relationship was acrimonious, bitter, contemptuous right to the very end (when DF died).

Like Cogito, I wanted so badly my own fairy tale family that I bent over backwards and accepted all sorts of horrible behaviour.

Then I found out H had cheated and although we still live together (failed reconciliation), I am now working on detaching, becoming financially independent and pushing on with a separation / divorce.

I wanted my kids to have a happy family but now realise I will be modelling for DD that she has to accept and put up with bad behaviour on her relationships.

[AdoraBell]

Mine did, late mother was staying úntil I finíshed school. She should have left 20 years before I was born. If your H, OP, will genuinley do 'anything' to give DD a happy stable family life then that must mean he will truly engage in therapy rather than make the right noises at the the appropraite times, and that therapy will include tackling his alcohol problem.

[Stepmooster]

My father told my sister and I that he almost left my mother when I was a baby (ea/va/narc/alcoholic) but having grown up not knowing his father, and knowing that he probably would never have seen me again he stayed for my sake. They went on to have my sister.

Even now relatives and family friends struggle to believe what an abusive woman my mother was, especially as my father is well over 6ft and was a strong physical labourer.

Mother always used to threaten she'd tell evryone my father beat her if he left her. They did separate when I was a teen but he came back for our sake. Often he would stay at my grandmothers. I wanted to leave and live with her and dad but mother absolutely forbid it.

I think its much easier for women who do most of the looking after the kids to get rid of an EA/VA partner/parent.

My dad had no choice, he was the breadwinner and my mum stayed at home. She used the, 'you'll never see your kids again card.' Times have changed, no one would have believed my dad and we would have done whatever mum told us to out of fear.

So glad my dad did not walk away, when he wasn't home I took the brunt of my mothers abuse.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking an avusive partner won't be an abusive parent.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"A toxic, strife-riven household is not an option, I grew up in one and will not allow my DD to go through that."

As aims go, it's reasonable. However, in a relationship where one person is emotionally/verbally abusive and the other is determined to avoid conflict, the very real danger is that you become not so much 'peacekeeper' as 'doormat'. Constantly caving, treated with contempt and confidence steadily crushed. Worse - IMHO - if you take on this palliative/submissive role of conflict-avoider, strife-smoother and marriage-repairer, there's a risk your DD will think that's how a 'good woman' behaves.

You can give your DD a perfectly happy home as an independent woman.

[Meerka]

Ye, Cogito is too right. The example for the kids if one partner becomes a cowering doormat is appalling - and the abusive parent will almost always move onto the kids. (the example I saw at close quarters was the other way around; the mother was abusive; knives, fists, feet; but worse and more damaging than that, manipulation and total emotional abuse. The father was terrified and couldn't stand up to her).

If your husband genuinelywants to to work on things then it's possible. But only if he genuinely wants to, and even then, goodwill is not a guarentee of success.

Having said that, sometimes it can work. It has for my husband and me. we started off good, went to bad after the honeymoon period, went to worse. We came close to splitting up but both of us kept working on the relationship for the sake of our son and now it's really getting better and better and better and I'm learning to love him all over again. And appreciate him. I'm preg again and have Hyperemesis Gravidarum and he's working himself to the bone to keep a job going and look after both our 5 year old, the house and me. /Total Respect

[Chubfuddler]

I think if you've got into a rut of tiredness/boredom/taking each other for granted you could genuinely get a good marriage back with massive and equal effort by both parties. That sounds like whst you've done and hats off to you both.

That doesn't sound like the ops situation though.

[alikat724]

I am so grateful for all your responses and Meerka I am very inspired by your story. I also feel that having equality in our relationship (I am not financially dependent upon DH) means that choosing to continue to work on our marriage feels very different to the lack of choice many couples had 20-40 years ago. I know the binge drinking EA/VA issue is a potential deal breaker but he went to his first counselling session last night so I feel his commitment to addressing the issue is genuine. I know it will be a long road to re-establish our trust and respect but I love him and do not want to give up.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

An EA/VA man is generally not "fixed" by him attending counselling sessions. Infact such behaviours are deeply rooted within their own pysches and are often therefore not reversible.

DO you honestly think he will keep this up, he may well not particularly if he is only attending under what he sees as duress i.e the request to attend came from you.

You love him yes but love is simply not enough. Does he love you, I argue that he does not because if he did he would not treat you in such an abusive manner.

[Chubfuddler]

Good luck op. You'll need it.

Just make yourself one promise; you will genuinely take stock in three/six months time as to whether YOU are happier and feel more respected and cherished. And that you will not allow credit for the "effort" either he or you have put in during that period to sway your decision as to whether it is worth continuing. It's results that matter, not how hard he tries.

[Chubfuddler]

I am just a little disheartened that you have latched into the one post where whst you propose appears to have worked as validation of a course of action which appears to have been disasterous in every other response you've had.

Just be honest with yourself. You owe use nothing. But you only get one life op. Live it well.

[Meerka]

agreed, absolute brutal honesty with yourself and -real- willingness to change by both sides is needed and it's a lot easier to say than to do. Husband and I were some of the (I suspect rare) lucky ones.

There are some true horror stories here and very, very sad ones. Its very clear that staying for the children is sometimes the absolutely worst thing you can do for them.

Only you can know, over time, how genuine his desire to change is. The longing for a second child might be something that will stay with you for the rest of your life. It might not be the time to say it to him now, but that sounds like something that you need him to be ok with and to go for.

[alikat724]

Chubb yes I realise I have taken the few positive stories as encouragement/support. I can also confirm that a time limit is very much in place. I have a "moving on" plan, which would commence February next year when the lease on my rental property is due to expire. I would be able to move back in shortly thereafter and so if things aren't on track by Christmas I will not renew the tenant.

DH actually requested the counselling himself so he isn't under duress, I don't think it would do any good at all if that wasn't the case.

[Chubfuddler]

Glad to hear it. Always have a fallback position (and don't share it with him).

[soundevenfruity]

You need to do work not only in relationship but on yourselves which includes you not just him going for counselling.

[whitesugar]

I agree with every single word Cogito says. I spent years lying awake listening to vicious rows trying to protect my younger siblings who used to cry whilst this was going on. I used to dread walking in the door from school in case there was war going on. Just like Cogito I ended up as an adult who tried to make things better against the odds and ended up as a doormat to a violent EXH. I had nightmares about them arguing well into my early 30s. Its actually therapeutic reading these posts because it makes me feel that I was not alone even though this happened over 30 years ago.

I would say to anyone in a very unhappy marriage please don't do this to your children. Every single one us left home as soon as we possibly could. My parents are still together in their late 70s. They seem totally oblivious and paint the past like everything was fine. I don't know if they remember because no one ever raises the subject with them. I think it is the fear that it will kick off again, even now.

I don't feel grateful that they stayed together for us I think they were extremely selfish. A friend of mine went through a short marriage with a verbally abusive husband. She had no children but had two dogs. The dogs came down with a terrible skin disorder and without knowing what was going on in my friend's life the vet told her that the dogs were suffering from stress. I will never forget that story because what on earth does it do to children if these poor dogs displayed anxiety. I left my EXH when my DD was one and I was pregnant because I honestly would not put anyone through that.

OP I hope things work out for you. If they continue to deteriorate I would not recommend you stay for your child.

[OnaPromise]

Whitesugar - yes I also left home as soon as I could, at 17.

My parents weren't even that bad. Not fighting or abusive anyway, just a really horrible oppressive atmosphere a lot of the time with my mum having constant migraines and my dad moping about.

[Wellwobbly]

Al Anon is really important IMO. It focusses on YOU and asks to to get the message out of the mess. It teaches you to detach, find serenity and stop obsessing about the behaviour of your alcoholic, and to focus on living a life of serenity and happiness.

Al anon has a slogan: 'take it easy' and 'one day at a time'.

Do go OP. They will tell you: don't make a decision or force a decision, eventually the right thing to do will come to you. [and in the mean time, miracles have happened].

It sounds like the place for you right now, you will get a lot of support and understanding there. Google al anon, and find your nearest meetings.

[Worriedformyfriend]

Mine didn't and I wish they had as they both became really concerned with rebuilding their own lives and left my brother and I to just get on with it. We were teenagers and at boarding school. My brother is still fucked up and had a very odd attitude to cash as he never wanted it to matter as it was so important to my father. My mother slept with some of my male friends and spent the whole time trying to feel young and attractive, so competed directly with me. It's left me with very weird body issues, and trust issues, naturally.

We are a verr verr middle class family and everyone has calmed down and become respectable now. Though my brother is a charming loser, who's a bit fucked up and I'm in a marriage with a very safe man, who I don't love, but who won't do anything to risk divorce.

Great, that's really cheered me up.

[fifi669]

My parents were staying together for their children. My mum had an abortion against my dads wishes and behind the scenes that was the end of their relationship. As children we didn't know any different. There weren't any arguments or bad atmospheres. It only came out when years later mum was caught having an affair and decided to leave. We were 15,13,10 and 7. They're both happy in their new marriages, though obviously we thought they were first time round!

Different kettle of fish from your situation but I feel if you can live together as friends while you sort yourselves out and keep your children unaware, it can work. ESP as you both want it too and are willing to take the steps necessary.

Best of luck to you