"Staying together for the child(ren)" Did anyone's parents do this?

[alikat724]

Our marriage has stumbled from crisis to crisis for 3 years, and the reality is that the only reason we are still together is because we have a DD, who will be 2 in November, and we both desperately want her to grow up in a happy family unit. Our crises are all self-generated - no cheating/affairs or anything, although there is an EA/VA issue associated with him being a binge-drinker - and I bear huge resentment because he has reneged on having a second child; so some fairly big issues. DH has agreed to start counselling for the drinking-related stuff, and I trust that he will follow through with it. We will do whatever it takes to make this work - I am hoping we will do an Imago couples counselling workship in November BUT - my question here is, does anyone know if their parents stayed together "for the children"? How does that make you feel, and do you think it was the right thing to do?

Mine went one better, they divorced and then had an affair that lasted years after my Dad remarried. I have no respect for them and have heavily distanced myself.

Mine did. They split when I was right in the middle of important exams at school (I was 17) believing that they had successfully stayed together for the children.

The upheaval at that age was horrendous and I wished it had happened much sooner. I always knew that things weren't right in my house. There were no arguments, just long silences and living separate lives in the same house.

My advice to anyone thinking of staying together for the children: Don't do it. You will do more damage by staying together. Two unhappy parents do not a happy child make!

Oh, and I absolutely go with cogitos 2nd paragraph too, people so badly underestimate the damage it does to children!

Makes me so

Luckily I now have a fab DH and children but I burnt my fingers very badly in early relationships until I actually realised what a healthy one was like.

What really yanks my chain are all the couples who stay together claiming it's for the children when it's really because they are too afraid to split. Or need a convenient excuse to stay. In my case, if I'd been asked by mum did I want to continue living in hell, even at age 9, my answer would have been HELL NO.

Mine did. DF was a raging alcoholic. We begged them to split when they were younger but things got messier and messier and they finally split when I was in uni and he had a child with another woman he was having an affair with. Would have been much easier if they had divorced when we were younger.

CailinDana DH has a 15 yo DS from a previous relationship, and while I consider myself to be a good stepmother I do not accept DSS "as my own" according to DH; i.e. love him unconditionally. I care for him, and in practical ways am very considerate of him, but I am not devoted to him the way DH is, which is what he expected; DH feels I dismiss DSS and while I dispute this, that continues to be his view.

Do you feel his view is reasonable?

I am giving an opposite view I think...

My Dad had an affair when I was 14, just after Mum had my youngest sibling. Thinking that I was 'old enough to understand' my Dad told myself and my elder sister (16) that he'd had an affair, but he'd ended it and was staying with my Mum because with 5 of us to provide for, he couldn't afford not to.

But I don't remember much arguing and I don't recall the atmosphere being particularly bad. But then when my DBro (youngest sibling) turned 3 my Dad was made redundant and found a job 100 miles away. So he worked away from home during the week and came home at weekends. Life was much better (although by Sunday Mum was glad that he was off again).

Money troubles definitely contributed to any arguments that were had after that.

Over 20 years later Mum and Dad are still together now and I have to say that I'm glad. Dad has paid for Mum to have her own business now and he earns really good money (although they're both past retirement age and would probably kill each other if they were at home together all day), but I honestly think that they rub along Ok together now. Both have health issues and as much as they moan, they worry about each other quite a lot. But I think it does depend on what has caused the issues in a marriage in the past. In my parents' case, it was the affair and stress about money. For others there may be situations that can never be resolved.

I'm sure they both wonder 'what if they'd gone their separate ways', but I for one am glad they didn't...

I think I have made a lot of accommodations and sacrifices for which DH gives me no credit whatsoever! And I think I am thoughtful and generous to DSS, and we get along well; he doesn't need me to be his mother, he already has one. So no, I don't think DH's view is reasonable.

alikat

No trust = no relationship. To my mind reading your post, it would be far better if this was to end now rather than just try and drag it out. Also by staying with him you are actively stopping yourself from meeting someone else. This has not been a happy family unit for the last three years, what is really stopping you both from splitting up with each other?. You need to look at your own selves and your own reasons for staying together.

Staying together for the sake of the children is a huge error of judgement, the knowledge that their parents only stayed together because of them is a terrible burden of responsibility for that child and teaches them very damaging lessons about relationships. Also your DD won't thank either of you for staying together if she grows up within such a household where her parents are engaged in their own private war with each other.

I would also cancel the couples counselling you have set up as joint counselling is NEVER recommended when there is abuse of the types you state within a relationship. Abusive men can and do use counselling sessions as a further stick to beat their victims with.

The other major elephant in the room here is his drinking; you cannot make him seek help if he does not want it. The 3cs re alcoholism are applicable here; you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

If you have counselling you'd be better off going along to sessions alone.

So how is the situation re dss going to be resolved?

From what I hear my parents should have split when I was about 5 or 6, the marriage was definitely unhappy then if not before. Hey, shouldn't have even married, but I was on the way and that's what you did then. After much much unhappiness, violence ( father to mother) alcoholism and eviction (I could go on) they split when I was.....wait for it.... 33. I prayed they would split up from about the age of 13 however hard it would have been financially. They ruined their lives, and my brother and I are still living with the consequences. And it hasn't done a lot for our relationships with them either.....

Your dd could have two happy parents and two happy homes...

Yes it was hideous and has left deep scars. Never do this, it's absolutely not fair on the children.

To add the opposite side, my parents split when I was 1, and my sister was 4. We had the easiest, most stress free, normal childhood. Never even occurred to me to be worried about my divorced parents. DH's stayed together for the sake of the kids and he had a horrible childhood, and felt horrendous that it was his fault that they stayed together for so long (before inevitably splitting the second he moved out).

Mine did and yes, I wish they hadn't.

My poor mother was miserable and then died a couple of years after they eventually split up (when me and db where in our late teens). She could have been much happier, and I wonder if the stress of staying with my dad helped to see her off. In fact they both would have been happier, because I know he still carries a load of guilt around about it as well.

I think it made me a bit emotionally weird. But having said that both me and db are in happy long term relationships.

Mine did. Their marriage finally broke down in 1961 and they stayed together until my father died in 1993. During the early years my Dad worked away (and played away), then in his 50s he got ill and came home to a woman who really didn't want him, but didn't see any options.

As an only child I was stuck in the middle of a war from the age of 6. My mother didn't want me, but was stuck with me, and my Dad was physically and emotionally available.

It was horrendous and did untold emotional damage to me. The only thing I can say in its favour is that I was not completely alone with a mother with mental health issues.

If it's dead, I would say, don't keep it on life support.

Mine stayed together, in their god awful toxic relationship, way longer than they should have. Of course their excuse was that it was for us.

There were 4 us who grew up within their alcohol fuelled madness, I use 'grew up' very loosly, I was mother to my younger siblings while I was still a child myself and I didn't finish my growing up under their roof as I'd had more than my fill and left as soon as I was 16 (straight into a toxic relationship of my very own, but thats another story)

All 4 of us have had problems with relationships, especialy in our young adult ages and some MH issues relating to our childhood. Not one of us have ever nor would ever thank them for staying together for us

Mine separated when I was 16. It was the hardest weekend of my life (up until then). I was full of teenage angst and utter confusion, and I idolised my dad in a way I now realise was deeply unhealthy. It was a hard weekend, but without a shadow of a doubt, getting through that weekend probably saved my life.

Mum stayed with him because she feared he'd just walk away from all of us (she wasn't wrong).

She should have left years before. Years and years.

The point for both of us, she and I, when we realised this was about 6 months after the separation. I could hear some really strange noise downstairs, so came rushing downstairs, worrying she was having some sort of asthma attack.

She was laughing. I was 16 and I didn't recognise the sound of my mother's laugh.

It's horrible to think about now.

The reneging on having a second child would be a deal breaker for me.

that's heartbreaking, Lookingthroughthefog

I think there is a difference between staying in the relationship and working on it for the sake of children. You sound as though you had something special at the beginning. Do you think his reneging on the second child has anything to do with his feeling that his first child is not a part of your family?

Staying together for the sake of the children only works when the spark has gone but you have two people who still care about each other and respect each other but just aren't in love anymore. Then, provided neither one meets someone who odes ignite that spark, staying together for the children can work very well. I think this is quite rare though.

If there are issues that would split you up if children weren't around, staying together for them hardly ever works and simply ends up making the children feel that they were responsible for their parents' unhappiness.

Sorry. I know that's probably not what you want to hear. I think it's lovely that you care for your DD to an extent where you are prepared to self-sacrifice yourself like this, but it really won't work. Given that your H has EA/VA tendencies as well, I really think it would be a mistake to do this.

Good luck for the future, whatever you decide to do.

Mine did, horrid environment with resentment, shouting, playing my sister and I off against each thee so the household became two against two etc. a few physical fights which I recall, a lot of acrimonious silence and sniping, God I desperately wanted them to split - I remember steaming open the letters forum OW with my mother and listening to phone calls with the silence button held down throughout so he didn't know.

They divorced when I moved out aged 17, my sister had left when she was seventeen three years earlier.

I married the first man who was nice to me, and seventeen years on my head is a fucking mess.

So no, I don't recommend staying together for the children.

My mum stayed with my dad because she had children and she 'didn't want us to grow up without a father'. My father was an alcoholic, my mother was resentful and unhappy, they were always rowing, he would get blind drunk, she would leave us with him. She was, or became, very controlling as she felt like she had sacrificed her life for us. She told me (I am her second child) that she felt like her first child had been a mistake, but her second was the millstone which meant she couldn't leave. She felt trapped. She was emotionally neglectful and abusive. She told me my father screwed her up. Etc etc etc.

I'm still untangling the results.

Was it the right thing for them to do? I am really not sure. My mother had so many of her own issues, I think she is fairly toxic (was she always like that?) that I do wonder if she would have just transferred her rage about life from my father to us, had they separated, or whether she would have had a chance to work it out - but she didn't want me, so not sure it would have been better. I think the fact that she said she stayed together for us (children) was just a way of blaming us for her life (which worked, I felt guilty for years for existing).

Personally, I think you should not have another child until the issues are sorted, if they can be sorted, why would you have a child with someone who has a drink problem, is EA/VA? The child will think it is their fault their father cannot stand to be sober in their family (well, that is what I thought).

Sorry, I know that is very negative. Neither of my parents would have gone to counselling, for a start, I did suggest it at one point (cue verbal abuse). I think they deserve each other really, so the question is do you deserve your H or do you deserve better? What does your DD deserve?

Thank you so much for all your responses. Yes we had something very special when we started; to clarify, we aren't hoping to stay together for our DD but rather we want to make our relationship WORK for our DD's sake, and for ours as well for that matter. A toxic, strife-riven household is not an option, I grew up in one and will not allow my DD to go through that.