Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Relationships

Abuse and the 'water torturer' - help!

35 replies

kirstyleanne · 12/09/2013 09:41

I found an old thread on here regarding an ex who was a water tortuer and wanted to reanimate it but thought it might be too late. I am still in a relationship with my wt, who is getting counseling, but to be honest I am struggling to cope. If there is anyone who understands the extent of wt abuse I could do with some help on how to cope with this impossible situation and

OP posts:

Report

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 16/09/2013 10:11

kirsty he can try to change but you don't have to be there while he does it. so if it gets too much you can ask him leave while he sorts himself out. if he is serious he will.

Also be wary of him reading Lundy and thenagreeing it is cultural influence. he may use that as an excuse. bear in mind most men in thiscountry grow up in that culture but they don't all abuse their wives.

If he is to change needs to admit to all the privileges abuse has gained him and give them up. if he does not think you really will leave if he doesn't then he won't bother. and watch out for changing a little bit on the surface but not much really. it is very hard to change the whole way you think.

Basically keep your options open. just because he is trying to change dyes not mean you owe him anything. so watch out for the i have changed but are still the same card.

It may take him years to change. you have a lot of healing to do. you are entitled to a life while he sorts out his issues.

Report

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 16/09/2013 10:12

i have changed but you are still the same card.

Report

LyraSilvertongue · 16/09/2013 10:15

Posted before reading your last post, OP. maybe counselling could work in your case, as he seems to be recognising that his behaviour is wrong. Or he could be trying to placate you until you "calm down" and he can start using his tactics again.

Is it possible to sum up the section on how they become this way? I haven't got a copy of the book.

My XP was also Mr Charm, Mr Everybody Like Him. Part of the reason it took me so long to leave was because I didn't think anybody would believe that Mr Nice was actually abusive. It was telling that, although most people liked him, he didn't like any of them. He was all charm to their faces and slagging them off behind their backs. Also he'd praise me in public, so people thought I was really lucky to be with such a kind, considerate man. Little did they know.

Report

Redoubtable · 16/09/2013 10:59

''I can't work out whether everything is as bad as I sometimes feel, or whether it actually isn't that bad and that I'm just over-reacting, or whether it is just that bad but I am minimising?''

This is a normal reaction to a crazy maker....you know the truth. But they make you doubt it.

He ''is currently reading the Lundy book' ....I would have advised you not to do that. I made that mistake. An abuser will like nothing better than to have the 'lingo' to use to sound plausible, and it takes a very smart counsellor to see through them. And helps him to twist your thinking.
Go back insed your own head, find the truth.

Having a daughter...'he wants the world for her': I may be projecting here but with my ex, having a pretty daughter, is good only as much as it reflects on him. Her having independent thoughts, is not good in his book, and he colludes with our DS to bully her. Except DS has been taught by me not to treat anyone like that.

"I also think that some arguments are my fault. I am so sensitive to the things he does that sometimes I'm preemptively becoming furious"...se gaslighting. Always listen to the feeling of anger, it wont let you down. I fyou are feeling angry, then there is a valid reason to be angry, however much his 'logic' might override it.

" It seems obvious really but I've always thought of myself as a strong person"..hah! they love a strong woman, a weak one is no challenge.

Report

kirstyleanne · 16/09/2013 12:20

I have thought about a trial separation. Even just for a week so I could have some head space. Just not sure though. Validation is my main problem I think. I just don't trust how I feel at all.

Reading through these threads though is helping me to understand all the little ways my thinking and behaviour has changed. Someone said on another thread about 'the effect of the mindgames on me has been that I expect people to think badly of me for any and every reason. I now second-guess everybody's reaction to everything I say or don't say. And expect them to misinterpret me and take offence.'. I could have written this myself and never thought to attribute it to the abuse! I'm just so used to people thinking badly of me because of things H has implied in front of them. Especially when it comes to his mother (who is also fairly PA) where he can't bare to disagree with her so will "imply" that any changes to plans/tension etc has come from me. This has obviously gone on for years to the point where she has asked H things like 'does she let you go out' and also has made nasty comments on occasions, to which obviously H then gets to support me and show how 'understanding' he is. I will never me able to alter her opinion of me, and this drives me mad.

lyra I'm not sure how well I could sum it up but it basically takes examples from literature/music/tv etc whereby women are clearly disrespected/abused and shows how this is portrayed in a humorous and acceptable fashion. It also covers the history of domestic violence and shows how from in the 18th century women were expected to be beaten by their H, up to the first laws which protected women in the 1990's!! Not that long ago! I haven't got the book on me at the minute so purely going from memory.

OP posts:

Report

arsenaltilidie · 16/09/2013 19:04

You'll be surprised at the number of people that have his number but i just keeping quiet about it.

Report

Biscuitsareme · 16/09/2013 19:28

Leaving is the only option IMO, however hard it is . You'll then be able to clear your head off him, and meet other people: people who don't know him/ like you for you and won't be influenced by him.

Don't inflict a person like this on your daughter in her permanent home. Yes, she may have to see him during access, but will always have a non-abusive home to return to.

Report

superstarheartbreaker · 17/09/2013 07:20

Please leave op...he wont change. It is very hard to leave an abuser but put it like this....would you ever be truly happy with someone who didnt have uour best interests at heart?

Report

AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 07:29

Oh please. Him attending counselling and reading the standard texts on abusers is just giving him cleverer and more covert ways to abuse you.

You say you are on a learning curve re. his behaviour ? Please hurry up and get to the end of it, because you are wasting your life and giving your dc some very damaging examples of how women should shut up and put up where men are concerned.

Have that trial separation and don't ever go back

Report

LawofAverages · 17/09/2013 08:39

OP, you say you don't want to leave now as then you will feel like you haven't 'tried'. But why on earth would you want to 'try' to make things work with an abuser?!?

Especially given that you have a young DD who will learn everything about how she should act when she is older from how you act in front of her.

Get out asap and don't look back. I think he will reveal his true colours all too clearly once you've left and you will not believe how lucky you were to escape!

My thoughts are with you, I know it is unbelievably tough. But you will never regret it!