Am married but have met someone else - life is now a mess - HELP!

[Crazysouthallian]

Hi,

I currently feel like the world's worst person because I have met someone else and I cannot get him out of my head.

Basically I am in a very unhappy marriage with my husband - our 4 years of marriage have been hellish, through little fault of our own. First my Dad got put in a psychiatric unit and then was told he had dementia and is losing it quickly, which heartbreaking. Now my Mum got ill with kidney disease through high blood pressure looking after him, he often yells at her and makes her life so hard and she is struggling to cope - she then calls me 5 times a day, which I am finding hard, especially as I go round whenever I can and try to help, when she lets me.

I got pregnant, which was one of the few happy times, but soon after the little was born I got bad post natal depression, as an intervention during the labour brought back memories of some abuse I'd suffered as a child and I kept getting flashbacks. Then, 2 months after that, my poor husband ended up finding out that not only did he have epilepsy, he also needed brain surgery to treat the problem that has caused it, he has consequently had to start taking medication and give up driving and cycling (he blames me for not being able to cycle, even though the doctors have told him not too).

On top of all this he had to reapply for his job. Then we found out there is a strong possibility his father is taking heroine. I am now back at work part-time and struggling to cope with all this stuff going on in my life. I love our beautiful little baby. But all this stress and craziness has put an insane amount of pressure on our relationship and the cracks are starting to show.

Everyone wants me to be there for them all the time. I am one person, how many people can I be there for? Everyone needs me to fight their battles, I had to organise/fight for my husband's op, my Mum and Dad's care etc etc. I am also a Mum. My in laws also expect a lot from me and often nitpick the way I bring up my daughter but rarely help or support.

The romance has gone out the window. I feel I just live with my best friend but the spark has gone and we've grown apart. I have been with him 11 years and never really been in a relationship before I met him. I think the last time we went on a date was about 3 months ago, and it was the 2nd date in 18 months. I feel so put upon and taken for granted and unappreciated. I know everyone else is having a hard time but feel it is all being placed on my shoulders. This was made apparent last Tuesday when I was told by my GP that I was going to be put on antidepressants to deal with everything as 'you have to stay strong for everyone else, if you fall down, the whole house falls down'.

I am 29! I am a working Mum! I want to just be a good Mum and want everyone else to stop taking me for granted. :( How can so much be on my shoulders? Why can't they help themselves? I'm so tired.

Anyway, 2 weeks ago I met someone at my friend's wedding (a friend of the bride whom I had met before) whom I found very attractive. Nothing happened then, but we were talking and he told me he has been married for a year to an opera singer, who has now run off to be with someone else, he is devastated - I listened to him as he needed to talk about his problems that night and I could tell he was upset. I emailed him some photos after our chat at the wedding of him from the hen do and said he made me laugh (he asked me to jokingly dance with him at the hen do and was great fun). I also said he could ask me for a girl's advice on his marriage issues anytime. He then said he wanted to meet for coffee, so we did last Weds. Even though I knew I was attracted to him, I was not going to act on it. I also never thought he was attracted to me, but unfortunately as the evening went on it became apparent he really liked me. He tried to kiss me twice and kept complementing me. I asked him 'why are you being so affectionate to me?' he said 'because you deserve it and need some fun and happiness in your life'. He held my hand and took me to the Serpentine lake, we sat under the stars, arm in arm and talked about our life and all our problems. I have never felt so many butterflies or such a connection to anyone before v- I told him though, we can be no more than friends, as we're both married to other people and I am a mother. But he has been in contact again and me with him, sending me quotes from philosophers while I send him Joni Mitchell songs. He even send me a message from The Little Prince saying 'Everything is invisible to the eyes but visible to the heart.' This has all confused me even further and I cannot eat or sleep or do anything because my life is too mad now. He came and showed me a new life away from all my problems and made me feel so wonderful, but it is wrong and I should not have put myself in this situation. My husband knows I met him and said it was ok, as I genuinely thought we were just going to be friends, not that all this would happen. But now I can't stop thinking about him and want to see him again and just see what happens. I am so very very stupid.

I am so confused. I told my husband we need a few days apart, just so I can clear my head, not because of this new guy but because I feel suffocated in our relationship and the demands our parents place on us etc. I also need time to think about who I am now and what I want from my life.

I am so lost, I feel I am heading down a long abyss. Help, somebody, please. Thank you xx

[savemefromrickets]

You've had an unbelievably shitty time of it but he is not the answer. Unfortunately I speak from experience (of sorts).

Would you really want to be with someone who can't respect when someone else is married?

[JustinBsMum]

I don't think your GP is helping much. Perhaps see another one.

I was described as the strength in a dysfunctional family by a GP I'd gone to see for depression - but the thing is, more recently, I stopped being the strength, I realized that all my 'help' only meant me taking on everyone else's woes and letting them off doing something themselves, and made them even more convinced that they were unable to sort things on their own.

Once I stepped back, lo and behold, others found ways of managing themselves, or made the decision to get proper help in eg professional carers.

Perhaps you need to take a big step back OP.

[Nagoo]

OP I don't think you are stupid. I think you are lost.

You do need to cut contact with this man, but you know that. Next you need to work out what you need, and how you can get it. He isn't the answer, but you know that.

[LessMissAbs]

OM is just a married man with a wife who works away who is looking for a shag.

And, yes, please stop with the hearts and flowers detail. Its cringe making and makes it sound like you're writing some kind of bad fan fiction.

[HangingGardenofBabbysBum]

you are having a shit time and this smooth operator has sniffed you out as sad and vulnerable and thinks he will take advantage

He will use you, google emotional abusers and try to objectively tick off all the crap cliches he's spinning you.

He likes the fact you see him as a saviour, he's getting off in your helplessness and the fact he can see that you're prepared to put up with shit in your life. That makes him sure you'll take his. It'll be very different once you've fallen for his tosh, the Joni Mitchell days will be long gone.

Listen to all the people here who sound harsh. They are totally right to pour cold water on the fire you're playing with.

He is NOT the answer.

[flowerpotgirl12]

and not caring what I think does not give you the right to be rude, having a difference of opinion is one think, being an unpleasant sh*t is another.

[flowerpotgirl12]

not having trouble understanding you, just think the fact that you're unpleasant, rude and nasty needed pointing out.

[Pilgit]

Things have been shit for you and your DH. You both are under stress and strain and that puts a stress on your marriage. Add to that the normal stresses of just living and there isn't much space left for romance. This guy you met seems attractive because it is an escapist fantasy. It is not real. Whilst he has 'baggage' it is not baggage that you are dealing with and just makes him more attractive as you can 'rescue' him. Take a step back and see this for what it is - a fantasy fuelled by your desire to escape everything. The reality is that if you go down this road you will only cause more pain to yourself, your DH and your DC. He is not showing you respect - he is crossing a boundary by trying to induce you to break your marriage vows. Walk away. Put it in a box and focus on your marriage.

[KatieScarlett2833]

What part of I don't care what you think are you having trouble with, flowerpot?

[flowerpotgirl12]

katiescarlett, there is no need to be so rude to me, you have a nasty attitude.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

It's pure escapism and this guy sees the pressure you are under and pain you are in and has jumped on your back like a giant leech.
You want the world to stop so you can catch your breath. You don't want all this to be happening, you want the life you dreamed you'd have. You are trying to deal with all of this and grieve for the life you will now never have and so is your DH. You both need help to deal with such dramatic changes get any help you can.

This guy, knowing all of that is a prize twat and has spun a sorry tale of romantic wishes and abandonment to illicit sympathy from you when you've got precious little of anything to give to anyone atm. Here he is selfishly trying to drain what little reserves you have left to bolster his own self esteem. Poor salt on the giant slug and prize him out of your life. Leave no room for error, don't try to be gentle he won't stop. He'll get the hint but won't care and will continue to try to suck whatever he can out of you before you cut him off completely. Tell him no more and go no contact, if you need to talk to someone try other friends, your gp, therapists, social workers etc that might actually get you somewhere.

[FrancescaBell]

Have you actually had anyone corroborate this sob story about the Opera singer? Given that this total wazzock is consumed by dreadful prose, are you sure he's not making all this up and is either still married to a lift attendant or is single and lives with his mum?

If there's any truth in his claims, bear in mind that there's a certain type who when cheated on, make it their mission to avenge the offence and take it out on all other men. So the affair is less about you and more about your husband. I wouldn't mind betting that he made a few discreet enquiries and one of your mates innocently said "Ooh Southallian's got a difficult life. Her poor husband's had one illness after another and now has a disability" at which point this charmer thought "kerching!" and saw your husband - and you - as an easy target.

Everyone's right. This is escapist nonsense but one day you'll grimace that you got caught up with something like this, with someone like that.

Yes, you went looking for this, of that there is no doubt. But this twit gave you 'available' signs and you went for it, knowing he was interested. You knew where this was heading when you met up with him, but you were a bit addicted to this nonsense by then.

It's probably a good thing that this mild skirmish has involved such a twatty man. A nice man would have posed far more of a threat, but then again one of those wouldn't have thought it was ok to kiss a married woman whose husband was ill, would he?

Obviously bin twatty man and sincerely apologise to your husband for piling this crap on him after all he's going through.

Get help from wherever you can to cope with your life. It sounds really hard.

[LittlePeaPod]

Op I haven't read the other posts just your original post. You are walking into an even bigger nightmare than you already find yourself in. I am so sorry to hear how difficult your life has been and continues to be. Clearly there is some depression and you are looking for an escape from your current reality but starting an affair is not the way to go.

1. it is unfair on your husband and family if you continued down this road. If you really are not happy, do not want to be with your DH and have been unhappy for a long time, then leave him. Tell him the truth and leave the relationship. Be on your own, get some councilling , try and sort yourself out before jumping into another relationship. Starting an affair and using the really unfortunate circumstances you find yourself in as an excuse really isn't good. It's not fair on your DH and everyone that would be affected by this kind of betrayal and dishonesty.
   
   
2. what would you do if you went ahead with this affair but OM decides its not for him and he sleeps with you and leaves you. What would happen if your DH and family found out? It's not worth jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
   
   I really think you need to get some counciling and try and figure out what is right for you. End the EA with OM, speak to your GP about a referral to a councillor and get yourself some help.

[saferniche]

Crazysouthallian you need some support with the real and very difficult issues you're facing - if there's a friend who can provide help ask now - don't hesitate. "I am one person, how many people can I be there for?" Well, you can't be there for everyone, you really need a break; possibly also from a GP who is offering anti-depressants to help you prop up an entire family of problems. Is there no practical help available?

BUT - don't complicate matters with fool's gold - it will make everything WORSE. You know this, don't you? Of course you do.

Good luck :)

[pausingforbreath]

Or ...... Look at it from 'Mr Hen nights' angle.
His wife has just run off with someone else.
That hurts , that makes you angry, that makes you want to strike out in pain, etc

If he can just find a married woman, then make himself more attractive to her than her husband.

That will show his wife won't it ; that will validate him again won't it.

So what if people get hurt , he's already hurting and it evens the score......

Don't be his pawn , you have enough on your plate already - without CHOOSING to invite in more problems, angst , stress etc.
stop the affair now before it gets worse.

[Trazzletoes]

Also, even with this guy, your parents' problems will remain. You're having a tough time but sometimes life is crap. Take a step back, work out what you want and sort it out.

[KatieScarlett2833]

He's sending her Joni Mitchell quotes after meeting her twice. He knows she's married. He kept trying to kiss her despite knowing about her problems...
Yes, he's a prince.

[QueenofallIsee]

Erm, I am not sure we can call this guy a player who sniffed out a vunerable person - the OP got in touch with him first and my interpretation is that she basically offered herself up as an emotional source. Both are culpable.

OP, do yourself a favour..bin off the other bloke and work on your marriage.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Sometimes the grass will appear greener on the other side, because it has been fertilized by bullshit!
Well worth remembering this phrase.

You are going through so much right now. The last thing you need is another man on the scene to complicate things and mess with your head.

Cut all contact with him right now. Concentrate on your family.
Ask for help and take it from where ever you can.

[eurochick]

This is about escapism. Your life is difficult and you see skipping through the meadows with this chap as an appealing alternative. But stop to think about the reality - sneaking around behind your husband's back, lying to him and friends and family, your husband finding out, life becoming even more difficult for both of you.

I can see why you want to escape from your current situation, but actually, this isn't going to do it. It's only going to add to your problems.

[50shadesofmeh]

Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine you had epilepsy and needed surgery and couldnt drive and were made to rely on your husband ! Now imagine you found out he was having an affair.

[50shadesofmeh]

Look. It's simple you are having a shit time and this smooth operator has sniffed you out as sad and vulnerable and thinks he will take advantage .
You will be compounding your problems x100 with your husband and all the other problems will still be there. Put your energy into your family and your marriage , an affair isn't the answer .

[MadameOvary]

OMG OP the last thing you need is a heartless user - and he is - taking advantage of you. IF he was a decent bloke he would hold back and not inflict this crap on you at this crushingly vulnerable time in your life.

This "man" is a predatory creep. Please get rid of him. Believe me, I know how it feels to want to run from a miserable situation into the arms of someone else. But it's not even an escape. It's a dead-end trap.

The posters saying that you are having an emotional affair are right, however. You may be vulnerable but you are still an adult who is responsible for her actions.

[MerryMarigold]

He's obviously not in a great place either having been 'dumped' and is maybe looking for this kind of relationship (a married woman) to make him feel like he is special enough. I dunno. It's just very, very messy. But also a bit teenage (sorry!). All the songs and poetry and stuff. It reminds me of that teacher that ran off with the 15 year old. I have been there myself (though I was younger than you and not married) and it doesn't last like that, it actually can't last like that, it just makes a mess.

You already have so much to deal with. Please don't add to it all with this. It will make things 100% worse, honestly.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Flowerpot I don't give a shiny shit about whether you think I am nice. The OP already has far too much to deal with and my comments will be the least of her worries if she carries on down the path she is headed. OP needs to stop and think, not daydream of romantic locations with Mr Pushy while deluding herself that this is the solution to her pain. She IS having an EA and denial will not help one bit.