Dh secret savings

[Lotsofswearwords]

My lovely dh has always been a secretive bastard. Keeps all his papers, bank statements either in his office or under lock and key at home.
I tried snooping once and when I finally found the key to his filing cabinet I came across old love letters from his affair during his first marriage. I knew about her, but not about letters. No matter, you might be saying, its all in the past... But of course I'm not allowed same privilege, I have to get rid of such stuff! And being a very open person who doesn't hide things, I thought it better to chuck the lot. No regrets except anger at dh and his double standards.
Snooped today, actually on legit business, looking for online banking details of my and our joint accounts in the hope of being able to do this myself and not be forced to rely on dh. Same folder held details of an account worth about 15,000 pounds... Let me stress its not so much the money, its the secrecy and the actual lying to me that he has no spare cash. We put near equal amounts into joint account for utilities, he earns a lot more than me but pays maintence for dsd, school fees for dss... Any big expenditure we take out small loan together. I don't have a problem with this, I have own ds and even though I still feel like lp raising him, I'm capable and earn a wage.
Please tell me I'm being unreasonable in my anger, that its actually the done thing for married partners to keep loads of money secret.
Sorry for ranting.
When he takes me on trips he pretends to be generous by "paying for everything", but woe betide me if I don't chip in for eating out, entrance fees, etc. I've always been happy to do this, I've never ever been spoiled in my life, its in my nature to pay my way. But now I feel sick, all the time he has been pretending to be hard done by after divorce, high child support costs, etc. and there he is with a small fortune stashed away.
Btw, I'll be getting paid out a slightly lesser amount from an insurance in a few years. Yet dh knows all about this, I was offering to pay for a second bathroom in our house, just to show what's mine is yours!!! I feel such a fool.
Dh is coming home after a week long business trip tomorrow, at least that's what I'm lead to believe... Should I confront him or play dead?

[Dahlen]

What you need is to see your inability to forgive him as a positive step. It paints you as a strong person who will not tolerate being taken for a mug. You shouldn't be depressed about that; you should be proud. Far better to face up to a bad situation and deal with it than to allow yourself to remain in it through fear of changing the status quo. That's the quickest route to annihilating your self-esteem IMO.

It may help to have a think about what you want to happen, what you expect to happen, what you will accept, what you won't accept, and what you intend to do in a worse case scenario. It will make you feel better prepared for a difficult conversation. Good luck.

[AnyFucker]

I wouldn't. It's likely he will call us a bunch of man-hating harridans.

I would keep this place just for you. It might not be a secret on the same scale as his, but you might need it more than you think if you are waking up to his true character.

[Lotsofswearwords]

Thanks Dahlen. That's made me feel a lot better and more in charge of the situation.
I've taken up driving again to help my self esteem issues. And the gym!

[Dahlen]

Depends what you hope to achieve by showing him. I suspect that he will turn it round on you and act all wounded.

If you want to show him the link to demonstrate that actually most people agree with you rather than him, you really don't need to. You don't need validation from other people. What you think and feel is good enough.

[Lotsofswearwords]

Anyfucker,
Good point. Again, though, why do I feel this need to share and he doesn't?

[Laska42]

I share everything else with my Dh , but I'm lucky in that I earn a reasonable wage.. And yes My credit card debt is a bit of a 'dirty secret' that perhaps i really shouldn't have , aand yes its got to the stage where I simply now cannot add to it ), but he married me knowing I'm not a saver , . However i have changed also due to his influence and now pay a significant AVC on my pension each month for our retirement plan (a campervan and world trip ) not least because its goes into a safe account before I can get to it .. .

However, due to its bad influence on me, I have gone 'cold turkey' on the 'Style and Beauty' thread here on Mumsnet now,.... its far too dangerous.. I'm also starting to shop in Lidl .. I need that card to be paid off before christmas..

Oh well ..i'd better start selling on e bay again.

OP only you can decide if you trust him .. he may have got burnt before.. but If you dont think he's being deliberately mean or really secretive ( and my DH isnt and im not either - he does know I have an ongoing cc debt just not how much ) then its probably ok

[Lotsofswearwords]

God, I'm actually in tears now. Thanks for all this incredible support.

[AnyFucker]

Again, though, why do I feel this need to share and he doesn't?

Because you are a generous person and he, well, isn't

[Dahlen]

Sharing is what most people do when they love someone. Sharing and the spirit of co-operation is what all functional relationships are based on - from the romantic to the wider community.

You are not an over-sharer. You are not greedy. You are merely asking for the man with whom you promised to share all your worldly goods and both your lives to live up to his end of a perfectly normal and reasonable agreement.

[Laska42]

(((hugs))) Lots IMHO (i may be shot down here ) but dont make this a 'relationship deal breaker' it really doesn't sound like it to me ( though I know others may think differently.) Only you know how you and he are.. and he doesn't sound like a real b*stard to me..

[LookingForwardToVino]

I just couldn't live like that op it's awful!

It's not so much the separate savings (though the not sharing everything concept is odd to me)

It's the lies about not having any spare cash, going through getting loans when you as a couple already have money, and the secrecy that just seems VERY wrong and not like a healthy marriage.

[wannaBe]

I have never got this idea of his money, my money in a marriage. That kind of setup just wouldn't work for me. But that being said, I have seen plenty of threads where women are encouraged to have a secret savings account their husband doesn't know about "just in case." so on balance I'm not sure this is any different?

[charlieandlola]

I keep my finances secret. I would never let my dh know how much debt or savings I have. It is none of his business.As long as there is food on the table, our cars are under 10 years old and do not break down, and we have three holidays a year, he does not care. I am grateful for his lack of interest and devolved autonomy to me. His money, however is my business as he is the primary wage earner and pays the mortgage, which keeps us in a safe home.
However, this works for us and we talk about it.
This does not sound ok, based on what you have said about your relationship.
I would be starting a discussion, if I were you.

[Dahlen]

Laska, I would make it a relationship deal breaker not because of the money (though £15,000 is a significant amount), but because of the lying, manipulation, blaming and downright fraud the OP's H has inflicted on her. Insisting that she "pays her fair share" when he is saving up his own funds by deliberately misleading her into thinking that he's paying out far more on school fees and maintenance is ripping her off. That's not what decent men do.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

He's not really very lovely, is he?

[Laska42]

dahlen thats a fair point.. maybe I missed that bit , so ill read back and reconsider .. Perhaps I'm only thinking in terms of my own experience/ marriage

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Sounds to me like there is a lot of distrust & unhappiness over many things OP.

Are you unhappy in the marriage, this secret aside? What made you want to look now after years of knowing what he is like?

[Lotsofswearwords]

Laska, you have given me a bit of hope. I'm actually reading a book atm called "don't sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff!"
However, lookingforwrad expresses my real fear: this simply isn't a healthy marriage. And although I could kick myself for being so open and trusting, deep down I know its dh being a prick and ruining it for us all.
And even if he comes home and says, look sweety, I've bought you a 14k diamond ring (fat chance), the shine would go off it knowing that he'd be keeping 1k a secret, iyswim.
It's like I sometimes read on other relationship threads, men only own up to what you can prove, their cheating and such.
Should I just give up hope of encountering honesty in dh? And work at my own cloak and dagger skills instead

[Lotsofswearwords]

Missmarples, gut feelings?
Our next counseling session is coming up shortly and I felt uneasy because every time we solve a problem dh seems to come up with another, seemingly to keep me at arms length, while telling me he loves me ad nauseum.
I've always tried to see his pov, but who says he tells me the truth about his first marriage. Exw is a bit odd to put it mildly, but maybe I've just been seeing her wrongly. Found out a lie recently: was told by dh that he was disgusted a person/ family he had befriended chose friendship with exw over him. Now dsd tells me out of the blue this woman was in her mums pregnancy circle (I also made friends this way so understand this completely) and dh said it was possible, but somehow thrown that I had so easily come by this information.
Are all men natural liars?

[Laska42]

I'm glad lots id my alternative thoughts help a little but i dont know if im right or not, as i dont know you or him . Like I said whatever others are saying ( and they could be entirely right and me barking u pthe wrong tree) only you know how you feel and how you think you and he are..
Sometime gut feelings are good and sometimes its possible to read too much into situations. and we dont know from what you've said too much of the overall tenor of your relationship.

I suppose that without asking him direct youllnot know why he would prefer for you both to take out a loan for stuff if the money is there ( and that sounds like it could either be because he is just majorily over cautious and feels that a slush fund is always available , or indeed that he is secretive or mean to the detriment of your marriage ) ,

MY DH I know doesnt feel comfortable without 'fuck off money' in the bank (thats is FO from his job , not me he assures me)

Maybe I am too much of an an appeaser.. but also maybe its possible to over think and make 2+2 +5

( Laska now ducks..)

[Laska42]

2+2=5 of course (duh!! fat fingers!)

[AnyFucker]

No, not all men are natural liars...just the deceitful ones

[Lotsofswearwords]

Laska, I've no problem with a FO fund. I'd be happy to let dh call it that, if he'd only say I get to call my future windfall the same, not letting me think, poor dh, he's not got any, better not spend it on myself or ds then.
The lying piece of shit
Sorry, ranting again.
The worst part is that every year apparently another huge chunk of respect I have for dh breaks off and drifts away and melts.
Maybe that's my problem. I need to respect the man I sleep with. I guess I need to lighten up on that

[FishfingersAreOK]

You definitely need to talk to him about it - but try to at least have an open-ish mind when you do. Try to discuss the money first and clear that up before you/or even better separately to any other issues in your marriage.

There could be (playing devil's advocate here) a very, very simple and genuine reason for the money - it could be a savings account for his DC. It could be savings for DC uni fees? Paying off mortgage early. Holiday of a lifetime upon retirement? If you work it our you can save nearly £15K just by putting £100 a month in a savings account for 12-13years. And £100 may just go out of his account on payday as a regular direct debit so his claims for being strapped for cash may feel to him to be true. I do this with my/our savings until we spent them all on a moneypit of a house renovation The money is never there to spend - it has gone. Not to be touched. If it is for/has been saved for a long time he may not really even think about it. DH has an savings account set up 12 years ago that has £30 a month in. We forget it exists until we get the yearly statement. Couldn't tell you now how much is in it.

So he could be prudent, wise and to be lauded for saving (though the secrecy not so great).

Or he could be being secretive and manipulative.

I guess you know him, and his reaction to the question (as long as you do not "attack" IYSWIM) may help you work out how to move forward.

[Laska42]

I think you always need to be able to respect (and trust) the man you sleep with...and he the woman he sleeps with . That's a fundamental in a good partnership .


( no civil partners/ SSps intented to be excluded her )