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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Too soon for weekend visits?

103 replies

Absolutelylost · 30/08/2013 23:02

My DH moved out at the beginning of July, saying he needed to live alone. He moved in with new lady first week in August and has now announced he wants 5 yr old DD to spend alternate weekends there in 4 weeks time. I think this is way too soon but am I letting my personal views about our marriage cloud what's best for our child?

OP posts:

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Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 00:24

I have been hugely reasonable throughout the whole thing, despite the way he has treated me and my children. I am dealing with all the debt because he sticks his head in the sand, I keep him posted daily with all the stuff I am doing to deal with our joint responsibilities.

I am not talking about her not going there ever, just not weekends for a while!

It may be that when new lady discovers debt she might not be quite as keen anyway....

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Letsadmitit · 31/08/2013 00:24

I believe you, and I understand where are you coming from. I know it should be incredibly painful for you.

scallopsrgreat · 31/08/2013 00:24

I also don't think that the OP should compensate for his bad behaviour. He is the one who is behaving badly and unreasonably here. Not the OP. Absolutelylost is not being unreasonable with her concerns.

Bant · 31/08/2013 00:27

I agree with Scallop

Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 00:31

She is currently asleep in bed beside me, because she wants to be near me all the time. I just don't think it's right to put her through it until the relationship is a little more established and she has come to terms with him not being here any more.

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ThatsNontents · 31/08/2013 00:32

He's been married four times?

And he still keeps going back for more?

Letsadmitit · 31/08/2013 00:33

Ok, it is not about his behaviour or hers. I understand where she is coming from, and agree that in an ideal situation that would be the right thing to do, but...When dealing with the arrangements to care for the children and contact, the court will not want to hear about debts, affairs and probably won't even care if he stops paying child maintenance (that's an issue for the defunct CSA to sort, aparently [!!!]).. It will be all about facilitating contact, as long as he is not a danger to his child.

Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 00:33

Yep, and had a couple of live in relationships too. But only one child and he has always been a devoted father.

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Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 00:38

I don't trust the genuineness of this relationship because it has all happened so fast and is a very convenient way for him to sidestep his responsibilities and move into a shiny new life. That's my concern for my DD, it feels like she's an accessory. To be frank, he didn't seem as bothered about her as I was expecting when he first moved out. I felt I was the one pushing for contact....

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ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 31/08/2013 00:41

No one said she was being unreasonable with her concerns. I said that sometimes you just have to accept that certain things aren't ideal, but that you cannot control every aspect of your childs life when you are no longer together. He is entitled to introduce her to who he likes and sleep with who he likes - whether the OP likes it or not. Unless there are any reasonable grounds to be concerned about her DD's safety, the OP doesn't get to dictate who her DD spends her time with when she is in his care. She can ask but that's it. She can refuse overnights if she wants to go to court about it and yes, that will delay it happening, but it will also cost them a lot of ££

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 31/08/2013 00:43

I felt I was the one pushing for contact.... be careful what you wish for :(

As I said, I would ask DD and be guided by that.

Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 00:47

We have no ££! I actually think he will compromise, he is quite cowardly really and has told me in the past he is fearful of getting lawyers involved. He always emails me difficult conversations, then turns his phone off. He isn't thinking about her at all, that's what we need to talk about.

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ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 31/08/2013 00:56

Don't bother to try talking to him about 'not thinking about her' in general - you wont change his behaviour - he's a selfish arse. Just tell him what is and isn't going to happen. I'd base that on DD's wants/needs alone - not what I wanted and certainly not what he wants.

How old are your other DC? How are they coping?

Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 01:05

Others are 21 (lives away), 17 and 13. They're not that fussed at the moment really. My 17 yr old DD won't speak to him, the boys are a bit more forgiving. There's been no mention of how he's going to maintain a relationship with 13 yr old DS. Suspect he's up for airbrushing too...

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FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 01:06

In the initial aftermath of a break-up, when a child this age is still getting to grips with the change, it's essential that she has one-to-one time with the parent she sees less of. The attention she gets should not be diluted by the presence of 'friends' at all. I also agree with other posters that 5 year olds are far more intuitive than many adults seem to believe and she will probably be able to sense that this woman is a new girlfriend who lives with him. It would be far better if she saw him on his own for at least a few months until a new 'habit' is formed.

Unfortunately this completely common-sense approach based on children's and not adults' needs, holds no water legally. So all you can do as a parent is to try to reason with the other parent and focus on what will be best for the child concerned.

Is your ex-husband used to caring for your daughter single-handedly for any length of time? If not, he might be using the other woman as an extra pair of hands because he is incompetent at childcare.

Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 01:09

I wouldn't say he's incompetent to be fair, but he was suffering from depression October-March or so and did less than he used to. Then he started a busy full time job and I felt then that he had backed off slightly from her care.

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Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 01:20

And I forgot to mention, he's also on about one night per week and dropping her to school. I also think a 40 minute journey to school is a long one for a 5 yr old who lives 5 mins walk away.

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FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 01:39

Ah, the old 'depression' ruse that gets rolled out to cover up for the fact there's an affair.

Let me guess. He wasn't ever diagnosed with depression and in fact sought no treatment? But behaved as though he was severely depressed?

Obviously, you know that no-one moves in with a new partner this quickly.

40 minutes to get to school is not ideal for a 5 year old, no.

But if you do end up having to agree to this and can't reason with him to spend time with her on his own for an evening in the week (dropping her home afterwards) and somewhere neutral at the weekends, do make sure he buys spare clothes and uniform and does all her washing etc. while she's there.

I'd try reasoning with him first, based on his daughter's needs.

It doesn't sound like he's thinking of her at all in any of this.

Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 01:52

This wasn't the affair the depression was covering, that was another affair. I can't get any sleep, I am lying awake, absolutely fucking fuming. His selfishness is absolutely overwhelming. How I am going to see him tomorrow without stabbing him, I don't know.

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FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 01:58

Oh my word. Another affair?

I'm not surprised you're fuming. I expect you tiptoed around him for ages and were sympathetic to his 'depression' eh?

Anger is good. You've every right to be angry.

Letsadmitit · 31/08/2013 02:04

you know, that long journey to school may be a blessing in disguise. your DD will get 40 mins of dedicated attention during it, it is also a time without many distractions where they would have time to talk.

DS was going to a school 45 minutes away, and he still goes on on how much he misses those times in the car hearing music, singing together and talking with either of us. I have to say that I miss those times them too. It was such a special time.

Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 02:30

I've tiptoed around him for a year. I am utterly sick and tired of him. I have tried to be sympathetic, tried to understand the pressure he's been under etc etc but he hasn't given me a seconds thought throughout. Then there was the cybersex affair just before he moved out. And we were sleeping together till the day he moved out. So, if he was already seeing this woman, he was certainly keeping his options open. Hence my feeling that its not very genuine and my concern re introducing my little DD.

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SolidGoldBrass · 31/08/2013 02:41

Unless there are concerns about safety (ie a new partner is an alcoholic or violent, or the XP is an alcoholic/violent/utterly useless at meeting DCs' needs) you have to suck it up. Would you be happy for your XP to insist on vetting and vetoing any friends or lovers or dates of yours? It's actually a pretty good thing for children to learn that adult relationships are variable, not just heteromonogamous, and that adults have friends and 'special' friends, but Mummy and Daddy are still Mummy and Daddy and still love the DC and always will, no matter how many special friends they do or don't have.

Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 05:44

I think you're coming at this from a different angle to me SGB.

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Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 05:45

It's not about me vetoing anyone, it's about the haste if it all.

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