Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too soon for weekend visits?

103 replies

Absolutelylost · 30/08/2013 23:02

My DH moved out at the beginning of July, saying he needed to live alone. He moved in with new lady first week in August and has now announced he wants 5 yr old DD to spend alternate weekends there in 4 weeks time. I think this is way too soon but am I letting my personal views about our marriage cloud what's best for our child?

OP posts:
Original poster
Absolutelylost · 30/08/2013 23:48

I think it should be a joint discussion. I have to have regard for her welfare.

OP posts:
Bant · 30/08/2013 23:49

it seems perfectly reasonable - you're no longer acting the part of his wife, you're just the mother of your DD.

You're protecting your DD's wellbeing by not letting her be introduced to a woman who he has only known a month, has not, presumably, been CRB checked and apart from that seeing a series of random girlfriends sharing a bed with her father will have a negative impact on your DD.

I'd refuse to let my DC stay with someone I didn't know and had no reason to trust. It's not a case of not seeing her father, it's a case of not staying in a house with some random person. Several months in a relationship with my Ex would at least imply some level of 'trustworthiness' or at least potential longevity.

Letsadmitit · 30/08/2013 23:50

If you make an issue of it, you won't be able to stop it but might be creating a hell for you, and much more so, for your DD for years to come.

There was another thread on this this week that you may like to read, let me see if I can find it. One sec

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 30/08/2013 23:50

I hope you can both reach a sensible agreement together.

Except from the affairs is he a good Dad and a reasonable person in general?

Original poster
Absolutelylost · 30/08/2013 23:53

Apart from the fact he has been utterly reckless with money, lies almost continuously and got us into a hideous amount of debt, think 6 figures!? Just don't know any more. And I'm not allowed to express any dissatisfaction as it causes stress to his heart...

OP posts:
notanyanymore · 30/08/2013 23:53

if you let things slip for any longer he might lose interest in having contact with his DD altogether Hmm best he did her a favour a fucked off now then!
Of course its too soon and would be confusing, 5yo is not young enough not to notice. He's being a selfish idiot and putting his needs/laziness ahead of his childs.

notanyanymore · 30/08/2013 23:55

I agree with Bant

Original poster
Absolutelylost · 30/08/2013 23:57

Suspect the debt is really what he's running from. But it will follow him. Did I mention I'm his 4th wife but this is his only child. He is showing little interest in my older children, and he's been their stepdad for 8 years.

OP posts:
Letsadmitit · 30/08/2013 23:58

Here , why you shouldn't make an issue of it explained by other divorced/separated mums.

Letsadmitit · 31/08/2013 00:00

Sorry, wrong thread... let me find the right one..

Bant · 31/08/2013 00:02

He sounds like a turd.

You have every right, and in fact the moral responsibility, to insist that your DD does not spend the night in a place with someone you don't know, or trust. Insist on her getting a CRB check if needs be, and meeting her, before letting her stay. Make sure you're not responsible for the debt, if possible.

Having said that, it is good for your DD to continue to have a relationship with her father, you should make that clear. It's just that she shouldn't be meeting his new girlfriend as that will confuse and upset her. And shouldn't be overnighting with someone who may be out of the picture in the next few weeks, and may have a pathological hatred of kids, a criminal record for assault, anything.

Original poster
Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 00:02

She is cross with him already for leaving, though I say all the right things and encourage her to talk on the phone to him. Sometimes she runs off crying and hides behind doors. It's awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 00:04

Well, sadly, have to admit she is a nurse with a senior position in the NHS, so she's probably ok but that's not really the point!

OP posts:
Letsadmitit · 31/08/2013 00:04

here, it is called my kids meeting the new girlfriend.

scallopsrgreat · 31/08/2013 00:05

If you let the things slip for longer he may loose interest in having contact with his DD altogether. Hmm Really? What kind of father would lose interest in his seeing his DD because she didn't stay for a weekend for a while? The OP isn't denying contact just doesn't think it is appropriate to stay overnight at the moment. Nothing unreasonable about that. Even if she were denying contact why would her ex lose interest in his own daughter?

Letsadmitit · 31/08/2013 00:07

Bant, have you ever seen a court battle for residence/contact at close range? I cannot believe what you are suggesting...

CRB check for the new girlfriend? she asks for that and there dies any possibility for the OP and her ex to coparent that child properly in the future. Hmm

Bant · 31/08/2013 00:07

It's not the point, no. The point is you aren't comfortable (and you can't be expected to be) comfortable with your daughter spending the night with a complete stranger so soon after her father has moved out.

It shows a callous disregard on his part, and I think you would be doing the right thing to insist on no overnights for several months if she is going to be there. To paraphrase letsadmitit on the other thread - you're trying to make the transition as smooth as possible for your DD, and there being another woman in the situation, who will likely be resented for stealing her father away, will just make things worse.

SisterMonicaJoan · 31/08/2013 00:10

I think your ex should be concentrating on the relationship with his daughter rather than pretending he's father of the year to his latest gf.

It's clear you are trying to protect your DD feelings OP, not tryingto score ponts against your ex - I don't know what Letsadmitit is reading into your posts? Confused

Original poster
Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 00:12

Callous disregard is exactly what I think it is, it's all about him not wanting to come here and it makes him feel uncomfortable and guilty. He has walked out of all four marriages, just wants to airbrush out the rest if us as quickly as possible and move onto life number 5.

OP posts:
Bant · 31/08/2013 00:12

letsadmitit - that other thread is about meeting the a new girlfriend in a park, twice, 7 months after the split. This one is about staying over at the womans house 6 or 7 weeks afterwards, with her father presumably sharing a bed with the woman. Completely different situation.

No, I haven't seen a court battle close up, as my ex and I agreed on terms like adults, including no introductions to new partners until we'd been with them for 6 months. I don't want my kids meeting some random man or woman who is their mum or dads new special friend until they've at least proved they're not going to disappear after a few weeks.

Letsadmitit · 31/08/2013 00:12

According to Gingerbread, a huge percentage of non resident parents are no longer in contact 3 years after the split. I can assure you that neither me or all those other exwives would have believed that could be even possible.

Bant · 31/08/2013 00:17

No one is saying that the OP should try and prevent contact - however it's a case of simply not being introduced to the OW so soon. If the ex has a problem with that, and is going to 'lose interest' then there is a vanishingly small chance he'll stay in touch anyway for more than three years.

The bloke has repeatedly cheated, run up debt, lives some fantasy life and runs away from responsibility - and wives. I think the OP should say she has no problem with him spending time with their DD, she can even stay overnight, but not when he's sharing a bed with someone else as it will confuse and hurt her.

Letsadmitit · 31/08/2013 00:17

Ok, I have been helping mums to self represent in court over the last three years, and the best way to sort things out for the children is for both parents being reasonable as both you and your ex were, because once the courts are involved is a downward spiral.

Not wanting the child to meet the other person is not a reasonable ground for contact to be delayed, stopped or conditioned unless her father agrees to it. If he agrees, problem sorted. If not, and he goes to court... that's when life becomes a misery.

Original poster
Absolutelylost · 31/08/2013 00:17

I really am not trying to score points, obviously it's hugely painful for me, I don't want to spend time without my DD and despite what I've said, it's the debts he's running away from (as in the past). We had a good marriage for most of the time and I still love him. I think it's all ridiculously fast for a 5 year old who's still getting used to him not being at home.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 31/08/2013 00:22

a huge percentage of non resident parents are no longer in contact 3 years after the split. I can believe that is true Letsadmitit. I don't think it is the OPs responsibility to keep his 'interest' though by allowing contact she very reasonably feels uncomfortable with. It is the NRPs responsibility to keep contact. Women are not responsible for men's behaviour (and it is mainly men who lose contact).