Dad needs some Mums perspectives on relationship

[Silverfox1Dad]

I've read around a few posts here and found many mums who have difficult relationships, unfaithful husbands, and much advice to leave those relationships. My wife has been the one having the affairs, to the point where I had to DNA test our youngest to establish he was mine - possibly the lowest point of my life.
The thing is, I am the majority carer, as I am at home most. Whilst this has facilitated my wife's career, I believe at the same time it has made me less attractive - she is drawn to older alpha males, and a caring nurturing husband comes second to that. My problem is that I come from a broken home and my biggest single goal in life was not to put my children through that - so I work at ways to make this marriage work. And in many ways it does, we can get along very well, be tender and caring at times, but at the back of my mind, I know she still talks to her other 'men'. I know she probably has limited opportunity to actually see them, but for me it is about emotional fidelity. In a way I can (and have) forgiven sexual indiscretions, but when you feel that you are taken for granted, that when away on work you slip from your partner's mind and perhaps the other men take that place, it makes the whole relationship hard.
I do realise I can't do anything to change her, no one can change anyone else, all I can do is change myself. I know that the best thing would be for me to find my independence, which means finding the childcare, finding the job that can fit around childcare (at the moment I work from home with sporadic income, not real independence). I know I crave some contact with other adults and yes some closeness with women, because I have been starved of it for so long. We do occasionally have sex, and its fine, but I know that her desire for these other men is always there. I also know that it stems from her father issues (he is mentally ill) and so I feel very compassionate about it, but perhaps to the extent where it is damaging me. Now it may be a feature of the mental illness, but her father is a very selfish man, and my wife does seem to have some of those traits. Her primary affair was also with a man old enough to be her father.
I have ideas about what I should do, but I think I need some female perspective. I don't want to break up our marriage, my kids even ask me to make sure that doesn't happen! And as I said it would break my primary motivation in life. But I am very lonely and unhappy with my life, even though I also feel blessed with my children.
Before I became a father I was an adventurer, travelling the world with my work, not highly paid, but always exciting. Now I've spent a decade in one place - that's hard as well.
Any words of wisdom?

[feelingvunerable]

I too would get some legal advice.

You cannot make her change and by the sounds of it she doesn't want to.

I won't be you breaking up the family, your dw is the one responsible for that with her selfish attitudes.

I'm sorry not to be more helpful but seriously don't tolerate her disrespect for you.

[OverTheFieldsAndFarAway]

Silverfox, you are the man/ husband many,many women dream of one day finding. I can understand your desire to keep your family together. I think if your wife sees you going out, doing things you want to do, for your own happiness it could make her think twice about how she behaves towards you. It would do a lot for your self esteem to get yourself out there, mixing socially with new friends through hobbies etc. Your post has opened my eyes, it's not just women who get taken for granted.

[LessMissAbs]

My problem is that I come from a broken home and my biggest single goal in life was not to put my children through that - so I work at ways to make this marriage work

That's a oddly singular goal to have in your life and puts a lot of pressure on your partner. Its a commendable goal, no doubt, but not at the expense of the other important goals that should make up our lives. Such as having a loving relationship with your wife, being a respected and valuable member of society, being a well rounded person (which includes both being virtuous morally and hard working).

Now if you are a SAHP you are hard working, but so often problems arise where one partner is not contributing much financially. I think you have to be honest and ask yourself if this is at the route of the problem and if so, why your "primary goal" excludes working and providing financially for the family you are so keen not to break up?

I don't want to break up our marriage, my kids even ask me to make sure that doesn't happen! And as I said it would break my primary motivation in life. But I am very lonely and unhappy with my life, even though I also feel blessed with my children

Your wife's behaviour sounds awful (if a bit unclear - "talking" to other men is fine, if you mean she has actually committed adultery and you have proof of it then that's another matter). But at no point do you mention that you love this woman. You describe her entirely in terms of various roles that she plays in your life. And in fact you portray yourself as some sort of all caring, emotionally intelligent saint. It sounds as though she has lost respect for you and almost thinks that she can do anything and you will not leave. By surrendering your independence, you have lost control of the situation and by blaming her you are reasserting that loss of control.

Are your children of school age? Was it a joint decision for you to become a SAHP and if so, for how long? And why has it not occurred to you to separate or consider divorce if you are really that unhappy?

Before I became a father I was an adventurer, travelling the world with my work, not highly paid, but always exciting

That's an odd way to describe a job, unless you were a travel writer or actually a paid adventurer along the lines of Ranulph Fiennes, which would explain your somewhat esoteric writing style. If your primary goal was to keep your family together, a more certain way of going about it would be to establish a firm foundation first.

Basically, if your children are of school age, I think you should consider getting a job and establishing a career. If your wife really has lost respect for you, then that might help, but even so, it sounds like you should do it for your own self esteem. But do you really need other people to tell you this?

[Lazyjaney]

She has you where she wants you, nothing will change unless you change it.

I doubt making yourself fit will work with her, but making yourself independent and attractive to others will help you no end.

[paperlantern]

I would agree with the above comment but if you want primary care of the kids do it after you separate

[ofmiceandmen]

Hi Op
I'm a MN fan and as a male turned to it for help when I was raising my DC's as a single Dad, but this is the world of double standards on the most part and some of the great advisers of MN will either never give you any advise or will slam into you as they will want to ask 'where was your fault in all this'.

If you do go to the Gym/get new job/become more alpha/ etc etc do this for you and only you!

My advice - you need to get yourself legal advice ASAP.

please read this post LINK

Good luck.

[Hissy]

Sounds like she wanted someone to give her the family she wanted, to nurture it, but never ever leave her.

I think she saw you coming OP.

You really do deserve better than this, and so do your children.

Please tell ask her to move out. She's not a good influence on your family.