Namechanger, but long time mn'er (I've made my profile public with how long I've been here so you can see I'm not a troll)
I've put this in relationships but it might belong in MH.
This could be a long one, you've been warned.
So, tonight ds1 finally got in touch with the man who walked out on us 16 years ago, when I was 17 and had just found out I was pregnant.
They've emailed back and forth all evening. It sounds like they both want to establish a relationship (which for ds is certainly what he wants and the reason I tracked xp down for him, and contacted him).
I was being all together and supportive and encouraging. I've never bad mouthed xp. He's never paid a penny in maintenance. I've always stuck with the line of "we were both young and I'm sure xp cares" (I was just 17 and he was 21).
I thought I was coping really well, but now I've fallen apart. All those years of struggling, all those lonely months crying myself to sleep with terrible PND, and now he can walk in, say "I'm sorry I never got in touch, I was scared" and ds thinks he's the best bloke ever.
I'm very aware that I am being unfair and irrational. And I'm so glad for ds, but at the same time I'm the one getting the grunt answers and the teenage moods. And I want to scream "what about me?! " as though I'm the teen in need of support. And I hate myself for it. I can't stop crying and i can't sleep.
In other background news, 3 years ago I left my h of 8 years. He was emotionally and Sexually abusive and I'm currently going through the courts to try to sort some kind of stable access for my two other dcs. I've just had a letter from tax credits who have fucked up last year's payments (didn't make changes when I had informed them) saying I've been overpaid £2500 which I don't have, and I don't have the energy to pick up the phone and tell them they're wrong, because I'm so tired of fighting for everything.
I do now have the most wonderful and supportive dh, and our baby is due in 6 weeks. I have immobilising SPD that means I'm terrified to leave the house now, I live miles from anywhere, and now I can't drive anymore I'm feeling trapped.
I need to carry on being the strong one, doing the right thing, saying the right words to support ds through this really hard time. But I also need to vent and say all the irrational things I feel too.
I know this is MN, but I'm going to say straight out that I'm heavily pregnant, in a lot of physical pain, and emotionally fragile. Please don't post if you feel I'm a terrible person :(
My life would now be great if it weren't for XP and XH. I have always done everything I could do encourage good access. I have always picked up the pieces when the dcs were let down. I am so tired. I am so fed up of being told I'm a selfish bitch by XH. I'm so sick of being so unsure all the time.
I selfishly want ds1 to reassure me that he still loves me. I want him to respond to me saying "I love you so much and I'm always here to talk, whenever you need me because I know how hard this must be for you" with something more than the "k" I get.
Help me be a good mother to ds through this bit. Thanks.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I'm not sure how much more I can take
WhyDo · 21/08/2013 05:17
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