Can having pets or not ever be a deal breaker in a relationship?

[brunette123]

I have always had pets since I was a child - either cats or dogs or both - currently have 2 dogs - had them 6 or 7 years now. I cannot imagine having no pets in my life - I have suffered from depression at times and my pets have been tremendous therapy.
I have met a man a while back and he is not a pet lover at all - he sees them as burden and a tie (which at times they are) and only sees the negatives none of the benefits. Although yes they can be a tie, for me, I can get them walked or looked after with some notice (he wants to be spontaneous all the time) and the positives outweigh the benefits. My two are old dogs now as they were 4 or 5 when I adopted them so they will probably both be gone within the year.
The guy thinks and makes comments to the effect that once they are gone I should have no more if I want to be with him. I really think I may have to break up with him about this - what is the point of leaving it a year and having the argument then when I want a new dog or two?
He is totally inflexible on this point. A large part of me thinks if he loved me he would not ask or more accurately demand this of me.
Any one been in similar situation?
thanks in advance.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

I think this guy is an arse, but that notwithstanding, it is perfectly reasonable for people not to want to live with pets. That may mean an incompatibility/dealbreaker but does not automatically make that person the devil incarnate.

I love animals but don't want pets at present. My parents had a rescue German Shepherd before they had me. I loved it and it was incredibly protective of me. But my parents refused to ever put it into a kennel so we only ever had days out (when family friend would feed and walk it during the day) and our first family holiday was when I was 14 after the dog had died. Everything was geared around the dog. Six months later, another dog came along. Same story.

As a result, I want some freedom and spontaneity now. Added to which, my location (a flat) and working hours are not compatible with having a dog (I wouldn't want a cat) as I don't think it's right to leave it shut up on its hour for 12 hours a day.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

*own not hour

[Bakingtins]

I think it can be a deal breaker as there is no way to compromise. It's like the discussion whether to have children, you can't have half a child. It's important to you that you share your life with a dog or two, it's important to him that he doesn't. You both have valid points of view but they are incompatible.
I think his attitude towards your current pets and their potential sad demise makes him sound v unpleasant but that is beside the point.
Neither of you love the other enough to get beyond the pet issue, by the sound of it.
Find a man with a dog! wanders off to set up pet owner dating site

[brunette123]

hi daughter is 35 and lives with her partner but she is always ringing her dad and they are always going out together for meals, drinks, days out - I am always invited but of course it means I do not get alot of time on my own with him. They are very lovey dovey and sit next to each other at the table holding hands whilst I am left on the other side talking to the boyfriend.
This is sounding worse.

[chansondumatin]

I can't believe he thinks he can dictate whether you have pets in your own home when he doesn't even live there, or have any plans to!

He sounds really controlling and set in his ways. I'd ditch him. What an arse.

[cuillereasoupe]

I am emphatically not a dog person. DP's dog is lovely and non-smelly but had he had one of the dribbling, hair-shedding, smelly, wee-on-the-floor, grunting ones I would never have gone past one date with him. Eurgh.

[TotallyBursar]

It is something that has shades of grey. I believe anyway.

Yes I am an animal lover but more importantly my pets have been instrumental in my mental health recovery. Dealing with depression, PTSD and bi-polar has been hard at times; anyone that has seen the work with US military veterans or pets as therapy can see how vital they can be. They have very literally saved my life before now. Currently they bring joy and assistantnce to my disabled child.
That is so, so important to me my choice would be clear.

I do not believe non pet lovers are bad people, far from it. But for me it is a fundamental incompatibility. And actually no I don't feel it boils down to people being more important than animals...it depends on the relationship with both. I have people that loved me at my worst, it wasn't them that stayed with me 24/7 or stopped me from hanging myself. I also wasn't able to talk to a person.
A partner that loved me would surely not want to deny me that. Just as I have made allowances for the weird and/or boring/expensive shit DH uses as his stress valve.

But I'll say again I wouldn't ditch because he doesn't want dogs, I'd ditch him because he is sounds like a controlling and disrespectful ballache. Op's latest posts do nothing to endear me to him and just as some can't live with animals, I can't find it within myself to live with a tosser...or not live with as the case may be.
You seriously deserve better, dogs, cats or elephants.

[runningonwillpower]

I don't think I would want to be with someone who gave me ultimatums (ultimata?).

[littlemog]

OP I too have a history of depression and I KNOW that having my dogs has always been an enormous help to me when things have been bad. I could no more be with a man who didn't love dogs than I could fly to the moon. I would rather be single and have my dogs than be with a partner if it came down to it.

I am sorry to say this but your partner sounds like a prize prick and his behaviour regarding the dogs is pathetic. If anyone spoke about my dogs as if they are an inconvenience then their feet would not touch the ground. These are your much loved elderly friends - how can you even contemplate letting this idiot stay in your life?

Do yourself a favour and find someone you are compatible with and not a man-child who is jealous and controlling.

[littlemog]

foodtech I too gauge people by whether they like animals or not! I don't really trust people who hate animals and speak disparagingly about them. I have only ever met a few people like this but they set the hairs one the back of my neck up.

[littlemog]

I don't mean people who just don't really want animals or are just a bit ambivalent about them before I get flamed!

OP - what are you going to do?

[YoniBottsBumgina]

Nope, of course people who don't like pets aren't bad people. But they would be happier in a relationship with somebody who also didn't like pets, or who didn't mind either way about getting a pet.

It is a dealbreaker in a compatibility issue kind of way. It's totally fair for somebody to state "I will never ever live with a pet" and, equally, it's totally fair for their partner who does love pets to say "Well, I want a pet some day, so I'm out".

To me it's along the same lines as whether or not you want children one day. It's not going to work if you have totally opposite views!

[cory]

What YoniBotts said.

It isn't about pets in particular- it could just as well be music or sailing or a love of the great outdoors. The point is not whether it's good or bad in some kind of wider perspective, but that it's an essential part of you.

My db got together with somebody who couldn't cope with his love of the sea. Basically, she expected him to suppress what was the most essential part of himself forever after, and being a sweet and goodnatured person he tried, bless him. It was a difficult relationship and eventually ended in a messy breakup. Db now looks a good 10 years younger.

[ninilegsintheair]

There's been plenty of advice here so don't think I need to add to it however - I am very much a cat person and before we owned our first home I was adamant that as soon as we did, I wanted a cat. BF (now husband) wasn't overly keen on cats but not bothered about having them either.

So, first house bought, along came our cat, who I adore (and I think the feeling is mutual ). As husband became more controlling he started doing the 'it's the cat or me', I told him I'd choose the cat any day and he backed off. Instead, he now treats the cat with utter contempt, shouting at her if she tries to get close to him. He even pushed her backwards off him onto the floor once (it's the only time I ever came close to lashing out at him).

This is a man who has shown his true colours in other ways - emotional (and physical too) abusers can often also be vicious towards animals too. I'm a firm believer that in order to know a person's true nature, watch how they react to animals.

This could be you, OP. My advice would be to end it, his attitude to you is worrying and full of red flags. In your case I'd be forever worrying about what he could do to your beloved pets in your absence.

[littlemog]

ninilegsintheair why on earth are you still with this man? WTF? He is actively being cruel to your pet....?

Just don't get it at all.

[brunette123]

Thank you everyone. I am enjoying a peaceful day today and doing some thinking. Yes there are other things too if I am honest. Won't go into details but I do feel nervy at times around him as he is terribly impatient with me and I end up dithery and can't express myself or make decisions. Thanks again.

[Val007]

I personally would not like to share my home with animals. It doesn't matter if I like them - definitely would not like to live with them. Same with people - you wouldn't like to live with just ANY person, would you? Nothing wrong in having preferences either way. Just make sure you are compatible in your preferences. This is what really matters.

[ninilegsintheair]

In the process of trying to get together to leave, littlemog. Long story, don't want to thread hijack.

Brunette, he doesn't sound right for you at all. Keep posting if you feel able.

[FriendlyLadybird]

It can be a dealbreaker, and I think it's fair to see it as a potential dealbreaker from both sides.

I quite like other people's animals and would not mind getting a couple of rabbits for the children. But I would not want to live with a dog, and certainly not two.

His point of view is not unreasonable. Being demanding and controlling is.

[littlemog]

ninilegsintheair sorry if I sounded unsympathetic. I hope you find a way to be happy and take your lovely mog with you!

brunette he does not sound right for you. You deserve to feel happy and comfortable around your partner and he sounds like he bullies you. You are worth MORE.

[littlemog]

FriendlyLadyBird but this is the whole point. He does not want to live with the OP - he just does not want her to have her dogs. So I think his pov is astonishingly unreasonable!

[BranchingOut]

I remember a thread on here where someone's boyfriend had an iguana.

Several posters said 'love him, love his iguana', but it turned out that the iguana had to be kept, uncaged, in a specially heated room and a particular risk was that it might attack a woman whenever it smelt menstrual blood.

I don't know what happened, but I think that was potentially a deal breaker!