Feeling downtrodden and detached from my partner

[DfanjoUnchained]

Ive been with my dp for 4 years. My dp doesn't have much joy. He doesn't notice a beautiful flower, sunset, view and smile. When he walks he's got tunnel vision and is in his own world, thinking about what he needs to do.

He is very selfish. Never offers to make dinner. When I walk in the door with huge car seat and ds, 2 big bags he won't get up and help because he's working (sitting at a desk in living room). He is very self absorbed and admits this but nothing changes.

If we have an argument, he will always name call. He called me mug and prick over minor things which really upset me.

When I arrange weekend days out, he's grumpy, never smiles. We went to a festival last weekend with live music and amazing food and children playing. I was making conversation but he'll either 'mm' back or silence.
He'll then moan he wants to go, it's too hot etc etc. my good mood is then gone and I feel depressed.

He's not like this with anyone else, he's so animated with his friends and strangers or about football. When his friends make plans, he'll run there. When I do he'll stall as much as possible or make us late as he obviously doesn't want to go. So I feel like he really doesn't like me much. I have a 7 month old and really don't want him to call me names or copy his dad.

He was abused as a child by his mother so I feel like I should look after him. I feel sorry for the child he was and want to wrap him up. But he really grinds me down, I feel down trodden a lot.

He also has a quick temper. While in labour I asked him to slow down over bumps (obv in a shouty-ish way as I was having awful contractions) he slammed the breaks on and yelled at me and made me cry.

He's good with ds and will play with him, change him, bathe etc but I have to tell him to do everything which is v annoying.

He proposed to me recently and I don't know if I ever want to marry this man, my gut says no, my heart, yes. I do love him deeply but I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore. I feel very distant, especially after the recent 'mug' thing and festival.

We are going to counselling and having CBT. She sets commitments to do each week and so far they haven't been done.

I don't really know why I posted but wanted to get it out.

[DfanjoUnchained]

...affectionate. He's very generous with money (pays all the rent and most of bills and half of food). He's always telling me to go out with friends so I can have a break bit that doesn't happen much. We have a lot in common in terms of interests.

But like I said, the negatives are low and I find it hard to forget things and move on.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Emotional bullies are not horrible all the time. They use a combination of carrot and stick to keep you controlled. Lovey-dovey, generous with money and telling you to go out with friends when you are being compliant (carrot).... angry, critical, unhelpful or ignoring you (stick) if you dare step out of line.

It's a very well-known emotionally abusive technique designed to manipulate your behaviour. Right now you think, if you could just find the 'answer' to why they were so angry or if you could be a better partner or if they went to therapy etc, you'd get the nice version of them all the time. You never will. It's an unobtainable goal and you'll waste a lot more of your life before you realise it.

[DfanjoUnchained]

Thanks cognito that makes a lot of sense.

Counselling was ok but we left in an awkward way. When I was describing things he'd done he said I was portraying him as an 'utter bastard'. I said that ultimately I really don't think he likes me but really I think it's that he wants to be alone and not bothered, I don't know.
The counsellor is using cbt techniques to help us understand why we react in certain ways.
I really feel that he needs individual counselling though.

[dreamingbohemian]

I would strongly encourage you to go for individual counseling, both of you. He needs to sort himself out, and I think it would help you figure out how you want to proceed.

I think couples counseling can be good if you have two people who really love each other but are going through a hard time and need help communicating. Or even after an affair, when both people are committed to repairing things. I don't think it's a good idea when one person is treating the other as badly as your DP is treating you, or when one person really needs to sort out deeper issues like childhood abuse.

I do think CBT is great and if you went on your own it would help you figure out why you're still in this relationship and how to sort out your feelings for the future.

[dreamingbohemian]

The other problem with couples counseling is that it sort of puts the problem on both of you, when really he's the one who needs to make some major changes.

[DfanjoUnchained]

Totally agree with you dreaming and in my case your second post is very true.

I really wanted him to go to individual counselling and he was going to but he had an assessment and they said couples would be better (I bet he spun things to look like I made him behave the way he does).

I might call the counsellor and see if she agrees.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think that's a good idea. I think it's a bit odd actually, that they suggested couples.

[DfanjoUnchained]

I reckon it's because of something he said during assessment

[wundawoman]

Dganjo, your dp sounds so similar to mine!! You are better off without him!! I have been married to mine for 20 years (god knows how!) and he is a miserable sod most of the time. He is also charming to other people mostly. I was recently mortified when a new friend of mine met him and said 'where did you find him, he's so lovely...' I was gobsmacked and said nothing!!

My dp is good company when things are going well and as long as I am running the house, kids, bills, banking, cooking, cleaning, out working etc. But when the chips are down, boy do I know about it!! He can't cope and becomes withdrawn, sulking, aggressive and cannot support me emotionally or practically. Any attempt to discuss relationship issues with him are a waste of time; he's never wrong!! And it's someone else's fault (whatever it is).

He's obsessive about sport/football and this has priority over EVERYTHING in his life!!!

Interestingly, he also had a very bad relationship with his mother (has not spoken to her for several years!!) he hates her with passion. But as someone else said up thread, unless dealt with, this hatred somehow works its way into the marriage/partner relationship. I feel very sure of this too...and it's awful,
I've put up with behaviour for a long time and man, it has been very difficult, i would not recommend it. However, next year is my year to do something about it, my dcs are finished school then, and it's crunch time. If I had my time again, I would have left sooner...

Listen to your instinct.

[dreamingbohemian]

Maybe but I still think it's odd -- I would expect a counselor to see someone for a few sessions before jumping to the conclusion that couples therapy was appropriate. Couples therapy isn't recommended when there's abuse in a relationship and that's not something that can be sussed out in an initial assessment.

[DfanjoUnchained]

Today was horrible. We were driving and I asked him if he knew where we were going (we were heading to a particular place) he said he did and I said please make sure you do as I was stressed driving in the heat with a baby crying.

As we got nearer he said he thought it was around here somewhere, which annoyed me. We then drove past it and had to turn around at which point I said for goodness sake you said you knew where it was.

He flipped, shouted over and over that he hated me and I was acting like a cunt. Punched my car and dented it (inside) and threw his phone around the car. Ds was screaming but he didnt care, carried on shouting so I got out and took ds out to get some air.

He calmed down after 20 mins and we moved on. It just seemed like such an overreaction. Considering some of the things he's done to me what I said was pretty trivial tbh.
It's just crap.

[DfanjoUnchained]

He did apologise once we got in the place and hugged me. I just can't get what he said out of my head. He said he hated me over and over and that we should end it. We've had a lovely day after, which makes me so confused .

[Nanny0gg]

I know nothing of this kind of things, but your last posts scream 'Mind Games' at me.

He is not a nice man.

[Dearjackie]

I really feel for you as I have been/ am going through similar treatment.
One time I was off work for a month with anxiety and depression and felt I was having a breakdown. He started on me in the car on the way to a hospital appointment, screaming that everything was all about me, supposedly because his phone had gone wrong!

I was sobbing but it made no difference. He stopped the car and said relationship was over got out of car in a city he didn't know. I got into drivers seat to drive off and lo and behold he gets back in all contrite

It certainly screws your mind up and that's just one incident. If you haven't read Lundy Bancroft book I'd advise to get it. I'm just working my way through its an eye opener.

Take care

[DfanjoUnchained]

Thank you

[CookieDoughKid]

Definitely do not marry him if you have doubts. You should check the legal section on mumsnet. I don't think the house in your sole name (or any other asset) makes a Legal difference in divorce. You could be a millionaire and he could have 1p to his nAME, it all goes into one pot. That's the starting point from where the assets are divid up!! I'm not a divorce lawyer BTW. Please seriously check the financial implications of divorce so u are clear what the risks are!!

[CookieDoughKid]

Just read the house will be in your dad's name but still, I would check with legal (your dad should anyway) and check cost of divorce and entitlement in general.