DB is an idiot, help me deal with him...

[delilahbelle]

I am fed up with my brother. He's in his late 20s, although currently staying with our parents as he's on a brief stop over from traveling. He is also negative, and rude, and grumpy.
Today's example - I loaned him my car yesterday morning. I had hoped to go to the supermarket in the evening but he didn't bring it back - I had told him previously that I didn't want him to keep it overnight as I like it safely on my drive. (OK, it's only a car, but it's precious to me)

When he did return it this morning he started telling me how rubbish it it, what needs to be fixed, how it's due a service etc etc. I've been running a car for over 10 years. I did politely try to point this out, and also to say I'd never seen the problems he had noticed, at which point he really started talking down to me. Putting on a fake voice pretending to be me, calling me an old woman.

Mumsnet would be proud, I didn't argue, just told him I didn't appreciate him being rude, I would like him to leave, and he could leave the car keys as well as he didn't like it.

He gave me a load of insults and walked off. ARRRGGGGGH.

So, what next? Normally I would do the good (female) thing of smoothing everything over, apologising for my car being rubbish, and giving him the keys again to use it. I really don't feel like it though.

[delilahlilah]

Tell him you can't possibly lend him the car now that you know there are so many things wrong with it..... You would feel terrible loaning someone a defective vehicle

[TalkativeJim]

Yup, I can see why he's an idiot.

Why don't you do him a massive favour, seeing as you're his sis and presumably care about him... Tell him you're really angry that he thinks it's ok to speak to you like that. You're even more angry that you do him a favour, with a small condition, and not only can be not be arsed to act like a normal grateful adult and get your car back to you overnight, he complains about it. Tell him that the one word that's sprung to mind during this incident is BRAT. Brat brat brat.

Brats approaching 30 aren't a particularly attractive prospect for employers, long-term partners, or the kind of people you want to keep as friends. Do him a favour and tell him. And if he asks for the car back tell him to swivel :)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I am sorry delilahbelle but your parents are just reaping what they sowed with their golden boy manchild. They created this monster and they are all actually as bad as one another. Your role now is to stop further enabling him by kindly lending him your car to use. Takers take and take some more, they feel totally entitled to do this and see nothing wrong in doing so. He has no respect for you (or his parents for that matter) and just sees you as a complete mug.

LD - my BIL still lives at home and he's about 10 or so years older!. His parents made (and still make) the same sort of mistakes by enabling him to the hilt and excusing his general crapness.

[caramelwaffle]

Have a nice day.

One thing is a concern: you keep saying that it is not possible for him to use the car because (insert reason) however, you should be able to say to him "I will not be lending you my car/using my house/giving you money - even if it is convenient - because I don't want to".

[Longdistance]

He's such a brat. Mt db is the golden boy for mum and dad. He can do no wrong. He's 40 this year and still lives at home

Yes, you did read that right. He was a brat as a child. Never happy with the Xmas presents he got, which were obviously more value than mine. I could always see the difference in the way were treated.

Although, he wouldn't have the cheek to criticize my car, house or life style. That's pretty immature of your db.

I think you need to not lend him your car. If he's not happy with it, he can go fuck off and buy his own, and see how far he gets.

[Twinklestein]

In his head he probably thinks 'If I had a car it would be a BMW not this crap' but of course - he doesn't have a car, a house or a proper job, so it's all fantasy...

Travelling is quite a good way of avoiding reality.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Not 'let him stew'.... 'make him grow up, take some responsibility for getting himself from A to B and be a bit more bloody grateful when others help him out'. :)

[delilahbelle]

Well, I'm off to do my supermarket run now, so he's definitely not getting the car today.

Suprisingly I've just had my mum on the phone telling me to let him stew - he's obviously complained to her and not got anywhere - there is hope :)

Thanks everyone.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" He's not actually bad - just self-centered and immature"

BECAUSE..... everyone overlooked this crap in his teens and early twenties!!! You have collectively created this monster. Stop feeding it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's late twenties, not some bit of a kid. Point him towards public transport or a bike shop. Tell him to get a job so he can buy his own car - and while he's at it, give you something towards the petrol and insurance you've already forked out. He's ungrateful and grumpy... I fail to see why you still want to do anything for him

[delilahbelle]

Imperial I hope for his sake he grows up a bit. He's not actually bad - just self-centered and immature. Unfortunately he's no longer in his teens/early twenties and so it can't be overlooked as easily.

[delilahbelle]

Maybe I should persuade DH we need to go and visit his parents for the weekend... in my car... and I should turn my phone off. :)

[ImperialBlether]

The way he is at the moment, he's going to have a wife on here some day moaning her head off in AIBU!

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

"I felt it was a nice thing to do"

You are never going to get just returns for your "niceness" from such a person. He sees it as an open door to just take and take some more from you. He will never appreciate your kindness. He sees it as weakness, and opportunity to sponge off you some more.

Can you see that?

Time to take a harder line. Prepare for your parents to kick off if you do, though: they will not want the boat to be rocked.

[delilahbelle]

Thanks all, you've helped me clarify a few things in my head. Imperial you are right - it is better than a non-existent car

I very much doubt he will apologise (not his style) so I will be keeping hold of the car keys. Now just the pressure from my mum to avoid - she will tell me to be nice to him.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I was going to ask if your parents have a tendency to indulge and placate him.

You are being far too lenient, and letting his words get to you. I understand it has been family tradition to give him his way all the time, but really, delilah, he should not be lent your car again even with an apology.

I am sad to see that you are letting his belittling words get to you. I hope that someday you will be able to shrug them off like the bitter dross that they are.

[caramelwaffle]

Ah. So it's not a one off.

He'll keep talking to/and about you like crap if you let him.

I'd be telling him he'll be using Shanks' pony for the rest of the week due the way he spoke to me.

[ImperialBlether]

He will wheedle his way into you giving him the keys again, won't he?

[delilahbelle]

I paid for the insurance for him too - I felt it was a nice thing to do, only £20 for the time he's using it for, and I hadn't seen him in ages.

[ImperialBlether]

You know what, though? It might be a crap car (sorry, just for the sake of this) but it's a million times better than a NONEXISTENT car!

[delilahbelle]

HotDAMN I think because we've been conditioned in the family to let him have whatever he wants - he's the youngest and the only boy, my mum waits on him hand and foot, and he can be charming when he asks nicely.

I shall wait and see - a sufficiently grovelling apology (unlikely) and he can borrow the car again.

I think what rankles the most is that he's might be right - my car is old, and no doubt has a few problems I haven't noticed. But it's the only one I have, and having it's faults pointed out to me in detail isn't going to magically make them vanish.

[ImperialBlether]

He's in a child like position, living with his mum and dad and having to borrow his sister's car. It doesn't fit with his self image, does it? And now he's behaving like a little child, too.

[ImperialBlether]

Is he insured to use your car? Who pays for that?

Does anyone ever say 'No' to him? Is he the youngest child by any chance?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

This one's simple. Don't lend him your 'rubbish' car again, not even if he apologises. He sounds like a spoilt brat... let him go sponge off someone else.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

He sounds unbearably entitled: he's staying at your parents' (rent free I presume), using your car, and on top of that treats you to put-downs about your possessions and lifestyle. Let him fend for himself, he might learn a thing or two. Or find someone else to leech off of, more likely, but at least it's no longer you he'll be sucking dry, and insulting for the privilege of it.