DH constantly angry, is it me?

[Daftname]

We've been married 15 years with 2dc's and when things are good we really get on. The problem is, he gets so angry so easily and I am scared and feel really bad for putting the dc's through it. He isn't violent per se but will shout, swear and break things at the drop of a hat. When anything happens (like a jar falling over) we all look at DH to see how he will respond
In his defence, he works long hours in a new and very pressured job. I was a sahm for many years (joint decision) and my earnings are now much less than his despite retraining (with a lot of support from DH).
Also, I am v disorganised and dont think the same things need doing so DH ends up with a lot on his plate. I have tried to do things but this doesn't work eg he said he hated having to sweep the office floor every day after work, I got home before him so did it, he got home and did it again!
I hate him being angry all the time but don't seem to be able to change anything.
I've lost all perspective so am hoping some of you lovely ladies can give me an idea what to do next.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Do you smash stuff and frighten your kids Oblomov? If there's a simple accident at home (like a jar falling over), does everyone look at you wondering if you're going to kick off?

Thought not.

[Oblomov]

Not thta i am condongin his behaviour.
But, was he always like this?
Dh now refers to me as "Mrs Angry from Purley" - i.e the Steve Wright, Mr Angry from Purley character.

But I never used to be.
Angry.
Then things happened to me: My diabetes became chronic; I was told that my children would be taken away, by SS, by a one-off Gp, who told me that "smacking is illegal", when I went begging for help, and in conversation ,admitted thta I had smacked, eldest ds, once, a year before;
My work told me that they were going to get me to to leave, after 6 yrs, by 'hook or by crook';
I fought school/Gp/ local authourity to get my son diagnosed as AS (Autistic) even though they kept telling me it was " my crap parenting". shall I continue?

These kind of thinhs, taint you, make you angry. And you are not the person, you were before.

Now, I do feel angry. But I never was before.
Is your dh like this? or is it diferent?

[slipperySlip000]

actually I have spent ten years struggling with it. two was typo.... was talking to kid at same time.

[LookingForwardToMarch]

I grew up in a home like this and it will be massively affecting your children.

I didn't realise it but in my first few relationships I actually was behaving a bit like my dad

I felt sick when I finally woke up and realised, luckily was still young with no dc then.

So full of anger but only at home....

Two years of therapy and now thankfully am far from the person I had turned into.

[slipperySlip000]

The problem now is more non-specific aggression which impinges and creates an atmosphere but is not so difficult to clear the air about.

I totally recognize this. As well as snappy remarks, subtly intimidating body language constant, never ending low-level frustration and anger simmering way. Awful.

Stbxh also used to deny incidents, even immediately afterwards, including when he made dd1 cry by shouting at her as she hung up her Christmas stocking at bedtime on Xmas Eve.

I did give him an ultimatum in 2009 but what happened was he sought help from GP, who prescribed antidepressants for stbxh and told me my issues 'would have to go on the backburner'. stbxh took on the victim role, saw a counsellor who (helpfully told stbxh 'everyone gets angry sometimes') which made stbxh feel frustrated and entitled all over again.

I left this man three weeks ago. I have never felt better since having kids (which was when things started, really).

Very nice to hear that in the case of Josie1974 some partners can change. When this happens this is fantastic. Each case is unique, but the changes that need to be made are fundamental. In my case I have spent two years struggling with it and I am done.

[pictish]

Yes you are allowed to ask that.
Even if his anger is not directed at you, his behaviour makes all of you tense and miserable and frightened, because it is intimidating.
Although he may deny it, he knows this. I have no doubt at all you have raised this with him before. He knows it upsets you, but he doesn't care because his feelings are more important than yours. It all helps to keep you guessing and pandering to him, and he thinks that your role is to absorb his shit.

[Daftname]

Thanks for all the responses.
Although he used to shout and swear at me, once dd1 turned up, I always picked him up on it as I didn't want her growing up with that.
It took a long slog and tons of arguments but he will rarely pick on a person now and if he does, it's more of an argument as we will argue back.
The problem now is more non-specific aggression which impinges and creates an atmosphere but is not so difficult to clear the air about.
He does do this in front of guests etc which I find embarrassing and I don't think he is aware he is doing it as he is normally outgoing and a v good host who worries what others think (despite saying otherwise).
His dad is a grumpy git (although lovely underneath, I can imagine him being a disciplinarian as a dad). Dh's mum was an alcoholic and died young so he didn't learn healthy ways to communicate.
The anger is very much focused on stuff with shouting and threats to inanimate objects. If asked if he is ok we get a 'no' or 'what do you f*ing think?' Type response iyswim.
Although I have raised it as an issue when he is calm and tried to explain how it affects us, I don't think he realises what he is doing at the time.
I'm not sure how to approach his moody behaviour when he does it in such a way that doesn't sound like
'Excuse me, would you mind not being angry?'
This is the bit where I feel it might be me- he's entitled to his feelings, is it ok for me to specify how he is allowed to express them when I and dc's are not the target?

[Josie1974]

I should add that dh is so much happier now he doesn't behave in an angry way anymore . Obviously me and dc are much happier, but from yr dh's point of view - it isn't a happy place to be, being angry all the time.

Also, his work situation is now more stressful than it has ever been, BUT dh has not reverted to angry man. It isn't really about stress. It's about believing g you have the right to be angry all the time.

[Josie1974]

Sorry I meant my dh's father was angry etc

[Josie1974]

Hi daftname,
How would he react if you showed him this thread? If he would read this and have a lightbulb moment and change his ways completely, you have a chance.

My dh was similar to how yours sounds. His dh was an angry emotionally abusive nasty piece of work and without really realising it dh slipped into angry man mode when we had dc.

Through reading and posting here I realised how bad it was and confronted him. He has completely accepted how bad it was and he made a decision to change. He is a different person now. If he had not changed he knew it was over.

This kind of behaviour does stem from a deap seated belief that he is entitled to treat you that way. He has to believe that he isn't.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" he hated having to sweep the office floor every day after work, I got home before him so did it, he got home and did it again!"

It's not you fault this didn't work out. Setting the victim up to fail is a common tactic of abusive people. Nothing is ever good enough and, even when it is, they will find a way to make you feel bad about it. The floor sweeping is a very good example of this in action.

"He isn't violent per se but will shout, swear and break things at the drop of a hat"

This is violence 'per se'. Shouting and swearing are verbal abuse. Breaking things is destructive, physically aggressive behaviour, often designed to mean 'do as I say or it will be you that I break next'

You won't be able to make him get help either. He doesn't think there is a problem in the first place and he doesn't think your opinion matters anyway. You can't change someone like this, you can only change your response to it i.e. refuse to accept it, remove yourself from the behaviour or both.

[Jan45]

If you want to continue with him then you need to tell him he needs to go get help, it is out there. Don't put yourself or your kids through any more discomfort and feeling scared in their own home, it's so not fair. Until someone and I'm afraid that is you clearly points out to him the damage he is doing, nothing is going to change.

I do appreciate how difficult this must be for you, my dad was an angry man too but as kids we didn't understand he was under a lot of work pressure, financial pressure, you name it, it still doesn't excuse this kind of behaviour, especially when kids are exposed to it.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Just to add - if he holds down a high pressure job then he is NOT one of the ones who needs anger management and can be helped, he's just a bullying arsehole.

The ones who can be fixed are the ones with a history of indiscriminate aggression, can't stay out of fights, banned from several pubs, can't keep a job because they tend to punch the boss, etc. These people can learn impulse control, with help. Bullies who feel their aggression is justifiable^ don't change.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry you're in an emotionally abusive relationship OP. When you're constantly having to defend your DH's behaviour, there is something fundamentally wrong with that behaviour. Can't add anything to what SGB said except to encourage you to make plans to get him out or to get yourself and your DCs away from him. Womens Aid could help you make a plan and keep safe. Best of luck

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What SGB wrote as well.

No its not you, its him. He is the one at fault here. He perhaps learnt this a long time ago from either one or even both his parents. Having a high pressure job is an excuse and a poor one at that, he is acting like this because he can. This is what abusers do, he does not think he is doing anything wrong here. Abusers are not nasty all the time but the nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what has and is keeping you within this?. You need to look at why you have stayed to date.
The emotional damage done to you as well as your 2 DC is incalculable. They have been taught many damaging lessons on relationships by both of you.

You need to make plans to leave asap. He is not worth another 15 years of emotional abuse.

[greeneyed]

What apile says exactly.

[Apileofballyhoo]

What everyone else said. Also I grew up in a home like this and my siblings and I have poor self esteem and anxiety issues.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

No, it's not you.

Why does he do that?

[LemonPeculiarJones]

No, it's not you.

It's him. He's fucking horrible.

[katehastried]

I work long hours in a high pressure job. I'm fucking LOVELY. I'm calm, I never raise my voice, everyone wants to come and play at my house.

[pictish]

Zynnia you put that so plaintively. So true.

[Zynnia]

I agree with SGB

My x's coping mechanism for the huge, and tiring acting role of being polite, respectful and courteous at work was to come home and be a bad tempered arse to me. It was some sort of coping mechanism for him, a valve. It worked very well for him I think. Not great for me.

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

Good post SGB

[pictish]

As SGB says really.