the old 'strip club' issue

[theorchardkeeper]

Ok, so having read enough threads where women hadn't aired their views on strip clubs and then been upset that their partner had been to one I asked DP ages ago about his views, told him mine and thought we were pretty much agreed they were neither of our cups of tea. (I told him I'd purposefully not go on a night out if i knew in advance of a planned visit/would leave beforehand as I disagree with them so much).

He told me of an upcoming stag do that he thought sounded pants and was basically just strip clubs & a pub crawl in another town and said he's not going. Fine so far...I then mentioned something along the lines of 'yeah, sounds a bit dull, plus s'clubs aren't your cup of tea anyway are they'?

He then said what about when his BF gets married/other stag dos come up that he feels he should go to that involve them?

I just can't make myself ok with it. Whether it's male/female strippers. It's not insecurity, it just goes against my grain completely. I can see the appeal for people but i'd find the whole thing depressing & sleazey tbh & couldn't fully respect DP if he went to one.

I know that sounds OTT but it's just so ugh for me and a total turn off if someone finds it a turn on.

What should I say to him that doesn't sound controlling and insecure?
WIBU to just say 'look, you know how I feel about them and if you couldn't manage to leave before it got to the strip club or not go then I just can't be ok with that'?

I thought we were clear on it, which is what's pissed me off. I don't want this to be a deal breaker but it just is

(In fairness he did say he had a friend that had a lap dance and the whole thing was depressing, he also said he'd never pay for a lap dance, full stop).

[theorchardkeeper]

Ah crap.

He's coming over this eve and I just know i'm going to have to say something or I'll be obviously off with him.

[AnyFucker]

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, love, because this is still a hypothetical situation, yes ?

And i get the feeling you perhaps have not been as crystal clear as you could have been

But, you are right, this is a conversation that needs to be had before such an occasion presents itself, otherwise it gets you in all sorts of pickles like you see on the relationships board on a regular basis

[AnyFucker]

Don't accuse. Don't make this about him

this about you and your line in the sand.

What he chooses to do with that information is of course entirely up to him.

if you feel angry, maybe leave it a few days ?

(would hate to feel partly responsible for whipping somebody up into an argument )

[theorchardkeeper]

I will approach it carefully.

I don't think I was clear enough , no.

I just know that it's now a bit of a blow up waiting to happen and we need to have a chat about it.

[AnyFucker]

What I meant to say is, this is a conversation you need to have without anger and recriminations

You are trying to prevent that, after all, by stating your case clearly

[theorchardkeeper]

I don't feel so angry that I'll end up 'having a go' and making him defensive.

It's my issue and an issue I feel strongly about. I'll just make sure he really gets that and hear what he has to say after that and take it from there.

[AnyFucker]

Good plan

don't mention my name

[theorchardkeeper]

(tbh I've got so much on atm that I don't have the energy to get 'heated' about this. I just want to make sure he knows where i stand/hear what he has to say about it & then mull it over and come to a decision on the future from there. It's not going to be an angry outburst with any drastic OTT decisions)

[Yankeedoodlenic]

If he is going through some family issues at the moment & the whole thing is stressing you out then maybe put it on the back burner for now? If he isn't imminently going, you can always bring it up at another more appropriate date/time?

[theorchardkeeper]

I'd prefer to but what if he was actually just saying what I wanted to hear before, would go anyway and thinks I'm being unreasonable...and I don't find out he feels this way for a few months? It's wasting both our time in that case isn't it?

(Plus I'm studying for a degree, so will be this stressed for quite some time, though his family thing should die down before then).

[theorchardkeeper]

I think it's hard, because I can't say I'd leave him if he went purely on principle but I'd feel disrespected if he knew how much I was against it and would also think less of him because of the principle...which could possibly lead to leaving anyway if that makes sense?

I'm more keen to hear if he'd do it regardless than anything else (though I'd rather not be with someone who ultimately sees nothing wrong with them, personally).

May try and test the water later, then take it from there...

[AnyFucker]

let us know how it goes

[theorchardkeeper]

Will do.

Part of me doesn't want to see him later but i only just got back from a long trip and it'd look bad if i took a few days to forget about it and get this essay out the way etc.

Plus he's good at knowing when im holding stuff back/im a crap fibber.

I sound like such a wuss but im not most of the time!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"it's just so ugh for me and a total turn off if someone finds it a turn on."

I got the impression that the situation he was outlining was one where he'd go along with the crowd just because a best friend was involved. Not that he'd be turned on by it necessarily.

[opalescent]

I hate the whole strip club debate. I find it so unreasonable that women are expected to accept that on 'special occasions' such as stag dos, women are supposed to be fine with their (hopefully loving and faithful) partners seeking out the opportunity to ogle naked random women.
It's so jarring and incongruous with the normal expectations of a relationship.
And yet somehow it is a social norm. If you say that, categorically, you don't want your dp to go, you are seen as the 'fun police'. Horrible.

[opalescent]

Oo. I used the word 'women' too many times there..

[AnyFucker]

I have no issue with being seen as a po faced, fun-sucking, pearl clutching bore, tbh

[mrsravelstein]

i was having this conversation the other day. i don't have a particular problem with strip clubs as such, but i wouldn't like my husband going to them, i would find it disrespectful to me and unpleasant. as it happens he's not one of those 'going out with the lads' type of blokes, but fundamentally i expect him not to do stuff that he knows will make me pissed off/sad. and if that means telling his male friends "sorry i'm not joining you there, i'll just go home, because my wife is actually more important to me than seeing a 19 year old naked" then he's perfectly capable of doing so.

[theorchardkeeper]

It does feel like something you should be ok about because it's a one off and for the stag.

But i'm not going to pretend im ok with it in case it ruins my perception of him, which it most likely would.

[AnyFucker]

who says it's ok, or should be ok ?

you ?

if not, then stick to your guns

if him, then yes you do need to reassess if he is the man you thought he was

[theorchardkeeper]

I don't believe that but i do feel the pressure to if that makes sense.

Feel much better for posting. This was all irritating internal debate since that conversation!

[theorchardkeeper]

He knows im an active feminist.
Showed him some of my campaign work and a fb page i run daily.

It can't be that much of a surprise to him, surely.

[theorchardkeeper]

really fancy a glass right now pfft

[AnyFucker]

Well, some people do like to play stupid, when they are actually nothing of the sort (because then they can act surprised that you are making such a fuss ...)

[theorchardkeeper]

Went really well.

He wouldn't go now we've talked and I've said what I said here basically.

I believe he was being genuine