I have name changed for this. After wading through treacle in my big lead boots for ten years (my eldest dd is 10, youngest dd 8) I have taken steps to end my marriage of 14 years. Things have just taken on a momentum now. I have had enough and can't stand it any more.
My hubby tries really hard to be the person he imagines himself to be. But he is very often keeping a lid on his anger. In reality he is a prickly person who was parented by a Dad who was physically/verbally and abusive. He is often irritated by things in life, including any noise or mess created by his own kids. Both girls have special needs and he will not do anything, even basic for them other than ferry them around from A to B. And it has taken a fair bit of training to get that far. He has now opted out of reading to them, or getting them ready for bed. He expects accolades for helping around the house and can do no housework or menial tidying task without getting very irritated and creating a horrible atmosphere. He is moody and just expects everyone to go with it, changes suddenly and never apologises for this or acknowledges the effect it has on me. At times hubby can be intimidating and cutting towards me, although he has a very hard time recognizing it, because it is part of his anger and so he is blind to it. I have finally told him I'm not taking any more of it. This is not how I was brought up, what I want out of life is a hubby who can appreciate what he has in life rather than sitting constantly on his back side, moaning, looking endlessly on the internet for things we cannot afford. It is endless. I have worked unbelievably hard to re-train, advocate and fight endlessly and support the kids with their lives and their education. My dd pulled out a letter the other day and announced she'd been picked for a sports tournament (in school hours). All hubby could do was grunt, and moan about the late notice (despite the fact that it had absolutely no impact on his life). I have been on antidepressants for three months now. Hubby has never actually asked how I'm feeling. I still feel depressed.
I feel awful. Because I am now going to split this family apart. My family think the sun shines out of my hubby's backside. I have a lot of work to do now to re-write the story of this marriage to the people in my life. I can't even think about what the kids will be like, as I have no idea how this will play out. But things have taken on a momentum now. I have told hubby I need to get away with the kids for a couple of weeks. It will be an amazing and liberating time as I won't be stressed and walking on eggshells any more, and I can do what is right for mw after all these long, hard, years. The rest of it is making me sick. Please hold my hand.
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Relationships
can't believe this is real (hand hold needed)
slipperySlip000 · 20/06/2013 20:50
Donut thank you so much for putting it into exactly the right words. Your post of 14:06 yesterday just sums it up exactly. I have printed it out to stick in my bag to refer to! Thank you so much 
you've done the right thing and I think visiting ireland is a great idea. it'll give you time and space to reflect and talk to dd. Imagine, not having ol' Miseryguts dragging you down. And you can do what makes you happy. 
I am indeed, trying to muster all the strength I can, this board is amazing. Feeling very up and down, kids really quite unsettled and it is making me very stressed. H is seeing them 2 nite. Finding it so hard to be away from the kids. I hope my H holds it together in front of the girls. Very low at the moment, have popped into empty house to get overnight things. V depressing. My eldest asked me yesterday if I would ever get married again if we break up. Great that she's asking me stuff, but I can see she is in turmoil and misses her dad. And is confused. Am feeling all over the place (can u guess?) need to go and have a good cry. Booked flights with the girls to see a friend in Ireland. That's in 4 weeks time. I so need a break! Working all week. Please inject calmness and sanity into my life! What the flip have I done! 
another squeeze needed.
Thank you, Bogey for your lovely words. support on here is amazing as usual and you are all keeping me going and I keep coming back to read what everyone has offered here.
Hiya. Am here, squeezing your hand tightly.
You have done so well so far, and the light at the end of the tunnel is far brighter than you can imagine.
You have a grieving process to work through. Let it play out and don't fight it.
Another new day, full of hope and happiness is yours
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thanks for your lovely words, mongolianomad thank you so much.
I am back at home now, hubby has gone (made a silent and very tearful exit, I felt nothing at all, strangely). My youngest has just had a friend over for play and tea. They were playing on the piano and running about being crazy, lunatic eight-year-olds. It was lovely to have that happening, with nobody in the house getting horribly wound up and intensely irritated, scowling and asking when the guest is going home. Just kids being kids and me making the tea. Lovely.
Got to tell the kids tonight what's happening. Planning on early baths and onesies. I'll keep my eldest up late for cuddles on the sofa and she can sleep with me.
Feel strangely serene as well as in shock. I am just going to let some dust settle, the absence of my hubby is already allowing me to think clearer about me. Allowing me to feel my own feelings. Thanks again, mongolianomad
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