me again! its still going on (long sorry)

[vanilla01]

silly really that im even here asking for help again and not seeing it through. but i am terrified of going - im so bloody weak.
its still going on - my OH totally controlling everything i do and then tells me its my fault! is it?
ive been with him for 20 years - 2 children and 1 child from a previous relationship which he wants nothing to do with. has nothing to do with my mum and dad - he doesnt like them for some reason - never has - they have never done anything to my knowledge to upset him.
i worked up until i had the kids he pestered me to leave work which i didnt want to but he wore me down - moaning that nothing got done at home whilst i worked (he has his own business and i do all the bookwork for ect for the business too) - so i left work. he still moaned.
his agument is he brings in the money the least i could do is keep the house clean, do all the admin work for the business that keeps a roof over our head. but according to him i do nothing, i never clean properly, there are always mistakes with the bookwork. i use HIS car but never keep it clean, i dont displine the kids properly. "he gets up at the crack of dawn everyday to work 15 hour days for me to take the piss - but im happy spending his money" seriously if i meet the mums for a coffee he is on the phone asking why this that and the other hasnt been done. im always on tender hooks and either dont go on coffee mornings now - or go for about 20 minutes and rush home before he can call me.
he even went away to portugual with his mates last week for 4 days (because he bloody works hard and deserves a break) and during that time i went to a spa for my friends 40th (not something i do often and was really looking forward to it) - he even controlled me from portugual, rang me constantly - and if i didnt answer the phone which i couldnt at times he sent me text messages saying "oh too busy to answer your phone as usual" then called me asking why the kids werent at home whilst i was out enjoying myself (they were at a brownies event with my mum up at the village hall) - put a total downer on my day.

about 2 years ago i started baking - basically i have never wanted to be a stay at home mum, im one of those people that has a bit of ambition and always looking for something creative to do. so its was by accident i found that i could bake. i had challenged myself to bake the kids birthday cakes - and it just started from there - people are now constantly asking me to bake them cakes. i foolishly thought he would love that - im bringing in money - at home with kids ect. oh my god he hates it - and over the 2 years has kicked up such a fuss when i have been baking - "oh you can bake for tom dick and harry, but you cant clean the house for your family or type up this letter for one of my clients ect ect"
i have had to start baking in secret how crazy is that baking CAKES in secret, as soon as he walks out the door at 5am in the morning. anyway he found out that i had been baking and has thrown a complete paddy - telling me im selfish, i do nothing around the house, all i want to do is stuff for myself, i spend all day baking to earn nothing, and use his money to buy all the ingredients - he would love to stand at home and bake all day but he has to earn a living for us ect ect.

im droning on again - but the bottom line is i am terrified of leaving, why i dont know - i dont want to be with him - i hate him. the kids adore him. i dont think he would let me leave without a fight. it would complelty destroy the kids. ive thought about leaving on my own - just going without a trace. im on antidepressants because i hit such a low point. they help me cope with it all i think. i dont sleep, constantly on edge wondering what i have done wrong today, what am i going to get told off about today. i ahve no self worth - i hate myself, constantly digging myself out. what am i going to do? x thanks for listening

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

Please be careful. He will sense that something is different with you and will seek to get the keep you under his thumb.

[Jux]

Oh well done, Vanilla!

Making plans and acting on them is the only way forward. Small steps at first - gathering paperwork, making copies, protecting the important bits of your life, ready to pick up - lead to bigger steps. Before you know it you'll be living the life you want.

[thefrozensouth]

Vanilla I'm so pleased you're taking steps towards a better future for you and your children.

The diary sounds a great idea. Have you talked to anyone in RL yet? Your parents maybe? Asking them to look after your cake stuff may be a way to start telling them what's going on - immensely difficult, I know.

Take care, and Katy is right, you need to be aware at some stage he will seek to totally control you again with niceness or shoutiness or whatever - stay strong and keep moving forward with your small steps.