An update but more advice required if I may please ?

[Mosman]

So he has a job in Australia thank god, that means we aren't in immediate dire straits any more.
He has to go off and attend a training course for two weeks in Brisbane which gives me some long over due space and takes away the heat and constant arguments.

It also means it's decision time really in my mind, I have excuses as to why we were still under the same roof etc and now they've gone so if I'm still here it has to be for the right reasons.

So my part in all this.

I married him for the wrong reasons, I was a single mum to an 11 month old baby when I met him. I wanted a family and a father for her and he ticked the required boxes, job, house, not an alcoholic or violent person.
He worked away a lot from day one and that suited me.
Our relationship has always been around the children, doing things as a family.
We have little in common, both need counselling to ensure we handle things properly and communicate effectively - even if not together - I appreciate pretending something didn't happen isn't the way to handle things.
I've also completely ignored his wishes at times, got a dog when he was adamant he thought it was a bad idea and it was.

The bottom line is having spent months digging through all this shit is that we both felt neglected at times, his response was the affairs and they were all very brief - weeks rather than months - he never wanted to leave at any point - they fizzled out quickly.
My response when feeling neglected was to have another baby, get a dog, another cat, move house, extend it - you get the picture - anything but throw time and energy at my marriage.

So if we both acknowledge that was wrong - he is being husband of the bloody year at the moment, flowers, cards, ice cream, breakfast in bed, 50/50 childcare and house work - can we work this through or is it just too bad ?
I've told everyone we know what happened.
My life without him, I imagine will be harder and tbh it's bloody stressful anyway.
I would still divorce him to make my point and then if we are together going forward it's because we both want it work.

[Mosman]

He is staying in Perth, but his initial training is up there in Brisbane.
I'm at 2nd interview stage with a few organisations but in all honesty Perth is going through a lull so they are being very picky.

I think that's what I'm hoping these next two weeks will provide - an insight into life without him around, how I cope, if I miss him or not etc.

I don't think life has been particularly high drama aside of the last few months of discovering the infidelities and then of course the emigrating, oh and the redundancy and there then was the new baby, then the house move from north to south, oh and another baby. The wedding and a new baby.

It's been quite a decade hasn't it ?

[DottyboutDots]

Why don't you think along the lines of short term, mid term and long term decisions? No-one is forcing you to make any right now and, personally, i don't think 2 weeks is enough break. I would counsel for a 3 month break to see how you feel living separate lives.

One telling post is your one on Sliding Doors. From that, i think you want out but are afraid that it's the wrong decision, which it may well be! None of us have a crystal ball and that's a huge step. It's easier to let fate decide sometimes, rather than taking ownership ourselves. If you leave and are unhappy, that won't be your fault; you have genuine cause as his behaviours have broken the family, not yours.

Regardless of the affairs, did you still like, love and fancy him?

How old is your youngest?

[Mosman]

Like him - I know he's generally a good person, apart from md I d never known him shit in anyone lie to people or hurt anyone. Nope saved all that for me. So no not right now.
Love him - maybe, I feel something for him, loyalty, care about what happens to him.
Fancy him - no, the biggest shock in all this is that anyone else would want to have sex with him tbh.
We have sex, know his to get each other off, well did.

[Mosman]

It would be 100% easier if it weren't for the whole UK vs Australia thing.
Basically he is not leaving Perth so my choices are stay, potentially struggle financial in Perth, have to work fill time with four kids, rent for the rest of my life and all that goes with that, moving every 12 months etc. but the kids would have their dad and I would have 50% of my time to myself.
Or go back to the UK, live in my own house be ok financially but be 100% on my own with the children.
Youngest is nearly three

[DottyboutDots]

I'd say give it a couple of years until your youngest is at school, that will make childcare etc easier if you leave. You will also know by then if you are happy with him or not. These things are never easy.

[Mosman]

Again this is another consideration - in the UK I'd get help with childcare and could get the two littlest into a good private school with onsite CC.
In Australia I'm more trapped really as I don't have those options.

In UK it's all about me and in Australia it's all about him and being a family.

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

HollyBerry, it's worth noting, as Mosman hasn't said it, that she was the main breadwinner for most of their marriage. They moved to Australia at his insistence that he would be able to find work here, and she gave up a lucrative job at that insistence.

As "cash cows" go, he wasn't high yielding.

Mosman, it strikes me that the only thing going for the 'try and make it work' factor is that it's logistically simpler. You don't fancy him and can't work out why anyone would, you don't like him much, and any sort of love you can muster seems very tepid. I understand that the current drama makes it hard to tell what you'd feel otherwise, but it's hardly a one-off on his part, is it? Much as you're trying to excuse why he had an affair...he cheated on his first wife. He cheated on you within a few months of being married. He cheated on you again. He cheated on you again. The man is absolutely, definitely, a serial cheater. I don't think there's moving past that, really.

[Mosman]

You did make me laugh shell it does rather slap one in the face doesn't it, he is a serial cheater and not even the drunken idiot type, he has affairs with emotional engagement, tells them he loves them and then kisses my children with the same mouth. Yuk.
I think this two weeks will be useful in that I get a little taste of life alone to see if I like it

[TheNorthWitch]

What is best for your children - what do they want? Why don't you write down all the pros and cons of staying and leaving (for yourself and children) - it might make things a bit clearer.

Can you split up, rent and work till the children are older and come back to your own house later? If you really don't fancy him then I'm not sure things could ever work. There is no excuse for his affairs - he sounds awful.

[Mosman]

The children need stability and I cannot see that he can provide that in Australia, I may be able to provide it in the UK.
Of course they want both their parents to be happy too.