How on earth do I stop feeling needy?!

[ChocolateTeacup]

Hi

First new relationship after divorce and separation with an EA ex who left me for an OW with two boys (2 years ago) - my ex was my only serious relationship and we got together in college.

We met online in a game we both play, he has been to me a few times and last week stayed Tuesday-Saturday. He lives approximatly 90 miles away

It is fairly new (5 months) although I have known him for a lot longer, and in all honesty he has been the one moving it along to him staying for that length of time. Not sure if relevant but left his aftershave in my bathroom and is planning on returning in a couple of weeks. We also have a holiday planned for August. He is the one who moved it from a more casual relationship to him calling me his partner...

Now up until Sunday he has been texting me a lot per day and suddenly Sunday and today next to nothing, part of my head is saying stop being so pathetic and needy and the other half says he doesnt like me/wants space.

How on earth do I stop feeling so desperate for him to be in contact with me? I am 27yrs old and behaving like a school girl. I sent a text this am (just saying hi how are you) and will not send another till after he gets in touch with me, I have the self control to do so but I am feeling anxious and it is sort of all consuming. I need to learn to chill but to me its strange after having so much contact recently, it feels like I have gone cold turkey.

Is it just that he is not that into me and I should just enjoy what happens?

[indigosunset]

Hi Chocolate, I can identify with some of what you described, and I think the advice from SimplyCupcakes is good! I've been in a few long-distance relationships where I absolutely hated the feeling of waiting..waiting for them to get in touch, waiting for the next visit.. it can be so draining.

I'm in a relationship once again that is long-distance, but for the first time I've found that the old feelings of waiting haven't reappeared. I think my life has changed since those days, and now I have more things to occupy my time and my mind. I've recently decided to buy myself some in-line skates and relive my childhood, for example!

How is your life otherwise, do you have friends to spend time with? You mentioned a game you both play - do you still play this together or not so much?

[unapologetic]

Sometimes these day and night texts just can't be sustained. It could be the opposite of what you think - maybe you are moving on to another level where you are getting closer and less in need to constantly ping each other?

[SimplyCupcakes]

just another thought, maybe you could find more things to do for yourself, a new club, hobby etc, meeting new people, something just for you so you have less time to worry about whats going on. You may find yourself so busy that when he does finally reply its a nice surprise, but not the 'b all and end all'.

[ChocolateTeacup]

Thank you all, lots to think about.

[DoingItForMyself]

Chocolate, you're bound to still be carrying some baggage from your previous relationship so its no surprise that this is all new and that you're finding it difficult to draw the boundaries. Does your new D'P' (if that's how you think of him!) know about the EA?

Presuming you have mentioned the OW but I think people (even those of us who have been through it) underestimate the emotional damage done by EA and how much it muddies the waters of a subsequent relationship when you are constantly questioning what's going on to try and prevent the same mistakes from happening again.

Maybe you should put the brakes on the relationship for a while, still see him casually, but just take it a bit steady, as its so easy to rush headlong into something and then once you realise you're not ready, its too late, you're already in too deep. If he's a nice guy he'll understand, if he's not, then its no loss.

Its awful having that constant battle with yourself about whether to cave in an contact him or not, playing games so that you protect yourself, but in reality, if you are both into each other, you need to be honest enough to text/call whenever you want and not to mess each other about.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Is it just that he is not that into me and I should just enjoy what happens?"

BTW... if he isn't that into you, don't enjoy being someone's 'you'll do for now' girl. Tell them you're better than that, don't want to waste your time and to bugger off and be not into someone else instead

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think 'learning to chill' is only part of it. The bigger part is to work out what kind of relationship you actually want and drive things rather than being a passenger. Forget 'he wants'... what do you want? If you don't want his aftershave in your bathroom or to call him 'partner' or to go on holiday, say so. If he's pissing you off by not being in contact, end it and don't give it a second thought.

It's a difficult adjustment if you have not long exited an EA relationship where someone controlled you to the extent that you were utterly dependent on them. The more control you have over your own life, the more you believe you are entitled to live it on your terms, the less other people can mess you around.

It could be that you're not ready yet for another serious relationship and that you need a bit more time to understand yourself first.