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Relationships

New partner needing 'time'

951 replies

confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 15:54

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep :(

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

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Xales · 19/05/2013 17:21

Have you been for a date with this bloke at all or does he just come to your house, shag you and leave in the morning?

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VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2013 17:22

I think tbh you both sound as bad as one another - I am in 2 minds about the whole dating someone from your DC's school in the first place, but wanting to introduce them after a week is complete madness! I know you say he was the one saying all the lovey-dovey stuff right from the get-go, but you seem to have been pushing it along too, wanting him to tell his family, to go public. Honestly what happened to just dating someone for a couple of months and THEN taking a step forward into a relationship? Why the desperation to move things on so quickly?

I suggest you call it a day, and you spend a bit of time on your own, do some work on why you couldn't see all the red flags flapping around this guy (honestly, if someone told me they loved me after a week I would laugh in their face, it's ludicrous!) so that when the next guy comes along you are in a better place to let things run a normal course, rather than this 0-100 in a week stuff...

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Bluestocking · 19/05/2013 17:26

So he works at the school where his sister is the headteacher, - and he has had a relationship with at least one member of staff, and is now starting on the parents of the pupils at the school? He sounds like an absolute fool, completely oblivious to any considerations of professionalism, quite apart from the pathetic way he's treating you. Requiring you to send positive texts until he feels like seeing you again? Run for the hills, OP.

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Ragwort · 19/05/2013 17:28

You have three children and you still have the time and energy to deal with this sort of garbage - just get rid of him. You sound like a breathless teenager with her first crush on someone and wanting to analyse his every word & action rather than a mature adult.

Why are you wasting your time on all of this Confused?

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Ragwort · 19/05/2013 17:31

it's been very intense as we only meet up in my house at night! - so, he just wants to meet for sex .................. nice, and others have said, totally unprofessional if he works with your children. If you want a FWB (nothing wrong with that if you are both happy with the arrangement) - but just don't make it someone from your children's school. Hmm

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 17:39

Was he planning to move abroad or something?

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 17:47

Oh. I see he was.

You're being a fool. Open your eyes and grow a backbone and kick this losing lying scrote to the kerb.

And then try to get some counselling so you don't fall for the next scrote who comes along.

And in the name of the wee man. Don't introduce any man to your kids after a week.

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confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 18:20

Oh god so many posts I need to reply to...

Ok the thing with introducing him to the kids, that was just because they know him anyway, he's the caretaker as well as a ta so he's always in their classes fixing stuff or whatever, serving snacks at break time etc - not like he was a complete stranger; that's how I justified it to myself (wrongly) at the time.

We've slept together 2-3 times, the majority of times he's stayed over (over 20 times now) we haven't had sex but we have shared the bed. I did a one point offer FWB, he said he couldn't do that as he needs an emotional connection to have sex. Apparently.

Velvetspoon - I didn't want him to go an announce it to everyone, but if he met anyone else who wasn't 'from the school' then they could go out together on a date, around town (we live in a small town where you always see someone you know when out!) without worrying if it got back to people at the school.

He kept saying with me that if we went out round town together, then he might see a parent that would then talk to their friends that they saw him with a parent/woman - not sure which he meant - and then gossip with their friends, that would then somehow get back to the staff.

I understand there is playground gossip, but I doubt anyone sees who he is out with as anything noteworthy.

It seemed like he tried making small steps - he added me to facebook as I said (a lot of the teaching staff are 'friends' with him on there too), he 'met' the kids (I now realise that was a mistake, but didn't think so at the time) even though technically there was the risk one of them might have seen him at school and said "you were kissing mummy!" or something...so that seemed a big thing tome that he did that and risked it, and then we had just started going out on 'dates' - like the walk/picnic that ended up lasting most of the day.

I admit I've been arguing when I haven't needed to, because of my own insecurities about what he wanted and all that.

However...I just text him saying we need to talk asap about our issues and work out the best course of action, in a mature way.

His reply?

"my problem is I don't know if I can 'live with you' but equally 'live without you', I prefer to text as that way we can both think about what we say, before we say it"

I then said we need to talk in person as only teenagers handle relationship issues through text message and that we need to meet halfway on this, otherwise I will assume he's just trying to mess me around. He replied "I'm not trying to mess either of us around but I'm not ready to talk directly yet, sorry".

:(

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Ragwort · 19/05/2013 18:24

Seriously confused - just drop him, stop following him around like a lovesick teenager. What exactly are you getting out of all this? Do you enjoy the drama?

Just get rid of him, stop texting him and find yourself a hobby Grin. I am still intrigued that you can spend all this time and effort on a 'relationship' (if you can call it that) when you've got three children.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:26

Oh for dears sake.

Tell him to get to fuck. Do you really need this head wreck?

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akaWisey · 19/05/2013 18:27

OK so he can't act like a mature adult with you. He needs to plan what he's going to say to you in case he accidentally slips up and says something that you later call him on.

So he's effectively handing all the responsibility for the state of this 'relationship' to you.

What a catch. You don't need this, do you? Really?

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confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 18:31

You told me to go to baggage reclaim...I did, and on the first page is this:

"It is normal to need some space whether it?s emotional, physical, spiritual or all of them. It is your right.

It?s normal to need some space after a big discussion or argument. You don?t have to make up or have a conclusion and resolution right now this minute. It?s not about dragging it out but you?re probably not going to feel better or make sense of something if you?re being hurried to forget about it or agree to the other person?s perspective.

It?s normal to need some space while grieving.

It?s normal to need some space while trying to come to terms with a trauma, a big change or a big revelation."

...and this isn't me ignoring advice but I'm genuinely confused - isn't the above, what he's trying to do?

Get a bit of space and perspective on things? Ok handling it badly but I have had this habit after every argument of badgering him to come over the next night, he kept saying he needed a break/space and I kept on and on until he eventually agreed to come over, as I thought that was the best way to 'fix things' quickly, then obvs when he got here he's been emotionally drained/pissed off and we've argued again.

And that's not making excuses for him, it's just fact.

So maybe giving him a break for this week MIGHT help a bit?

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akaWisey · 19/05/2013 18:31

I also don't think you're being entirely honest with yourself.

You said you don't want a relationship. if that were true I don't think you'd be expending all this energy on trying to work him and 'it' out tbh.

I also think that if a nice, ordinary, honest bloke came along and wanted a nice ordinary and honest relationship with you, you'd find all sorts of excuses (including I'm not looking for a relationship) to bin him off.

i think you need more time on your own to discover who you are and what you want.

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akaWisey · 19/05/2013 18:34

But almost in the same breath he tells you two completely opposing things - he doesn't know he wants to be with you but he can't see his life without you.

Thats not taking time out or space from an argument. It's keeping the other on a string, waiting for the next morsel.

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nkf · 19/05/2013 18:34

You cannot seriously be thinking about giving this one month and six months chap any more time can you? I felt exhausted reading your post. He said this and then he said this and then he ....

Positive texts? What is that?

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:35

He's playing you like a violin.

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nkf · 19/05/2013 18:36

Actually, I've read a bit more. Doesn't want to take you out. I bet he's seeing someone else.

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akaWisey · 19/05/2013 18:36

AND he wants to you 'forget' the arguments. Effectively shutting you up all together. Now, maybe he feels overwhelmed by you needing to work things out and if that's the case then I refer back to my last post - you are not being honest about what you want with him, which isn't what he wants, is it?

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Chubfuddler · 19/05/2013 18:37

You're not really listening are you op? You're both as bad as each other. Loads of breathless crap when you should just be having fun together - and I don't mean shagging his brains out, I mean actually enjoying being in one another's company.

I dumped boyfriends for behaviour along these lines when I was a teenager.

You don't want to be in a relationship. You want yo be in a movie relationship. Grow up.

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confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 18:40

nkf I think he just meant chatty stuff and nothing too 'heavy' :(

akaWisey thing is, if he asked me what I wanted, I'd say the exact same thing.

At the moment, I genuinely feel like the way things are is doing my head in, making me feel like crap, I felt shaky and really weird earlier (but my kids were at my mum's overnight so was missing them loads)...BUT the thought of not having him in my life feels wrong too.

I do see your point in a way though, but really we're only 'seeing' each other, not in a committed relationship, so can he really say "I want to be with you but just need to calm down a bit"? Because this is meant to be the honeymoon period where we're trying to impress each other!

Maybe we should have started just meeting up once a week and dating?

He did also say last night that finishing with me feels like when he finished with his ex wife, I asked what he meant by that and he said that he'd been with her for nearly 30 years yes, he's 58, I'm not a teenager!). He also said that when his last partner (the Aussie one) finished things, he felt and overwhelming sense of relief, but with me he doesn't feel that. Maybe that's because I'm not ending it for him, I don't know.

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QuintessentialOHara · 19/05/2013 18:41

Walk away from this.

I bet the biggest problem his sister has is that he keeps shagging about with either her staff or the mums at school! He is highly unprofessional, and keeps shitting on her doorstep. It is not you, it is him.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:41

Oh he's the man who spun the crap about moving to Oz. I thought he was a bullshitter then and I still think he's a bullshitter.

But you are choosing not to see it.

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confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 18:42

Now, maybe he feels overwhelmed by you needing to work things out and if that's the case then I refer back to my last post - you are not being honest about what you want with him, which isn't what he wants, is it?

I don't understand what you mean by this (sorry...brain's frazzled from all this crap today). Do you mean I want more than he does - as in I want a relationship and he doesn't, or I'm not being open and honest with him about what I want, and he wants/needs me to be honest?

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confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 18:43

Quin - no, it's an issue she has with me...trust me on that one :(

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Floggingmolly · 19/05/2013 18:44

You're as bad as each other, IMO. You asked him to come round, then refused to get out of bed to let him in? Hmm. You both sound around twelve...
Your poor kids, stuck in the middle of this nonsense Sad

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