Have namechanged for this. And am going to post 2 OPs here - 1 the basics and 2 some background so I don't get accused of dripfeeding - so sorry if it is long.
My Dsis is 2 years older than me. She has just split up with a lovely guy she had been seeing for just over a year. She was going to finish it as he was unable to commit to taking the relationship to the next level, he did not show her enough love, affection, sex. As it turns out, before she had the opportunity to finish things, he finished with her - he was honest and said he just couldn't feel or give enough to move it forward. So, as of last weekend, and due to choices she has made in her life, paths taken, things which happened she is now 44, childless and single. Despite the fact she was planning on finishing it, she is understandably hurting and upset. She is feeling incredibly broody and her life aim (marriage, children) is looking increasingly unlikely.
As soon as I heard last weekend (I was on my way out to a farm with the DC and my best friend and her DC) I said to come and join us - to bounce on the trampolines, feed the animals etc and have hugs and distraction. I (and my friend) were sympathetic but not overly "woe is life/poor you." Though there were certainly hugs/tea etc. We had a chat over the phone during the week. I offered some sympathy but also tried to be jolly with her.
She then called me last night just as I was serving tea up to DD and her playdate. I answered the phone and said I couldn't talk and I would try to call her back later. However, playdate went home later than planned and by time I had got DCs to bed, chatted with DH and collapsed on the sofa I forgot. I am bad. I forgot. I realised when I went to bed and sent her a message to apologise.
As soon as I had a chance this morning I called her. I knew instantly from her tone that the call was not going to be a good one. I instantly said sorry for not having called her back. She was sounding very miserable and mopey. I tried to sound bright and breezy and invited her over. She went all teary and said she couldn't her flat was a tip, she needed to do her ironing, her washing up, fix a light. I suggested she leaved it, or used some of (not inconsiderable) salary to just pay someone this time round to do her ironing, fix the light. She bit my head off saying it took so long to organise this stuff and her head was in a bad place and having her flat a tip was making her feel worse.
Argghhhhhh. To be honest it is her constant refrain that her flat is a tip. She always leaves piles of washing up and ironing to build up and then whines when she has to do it. I have lost count of the times I have gone to visit her and ended up washing up for her (everytime I go I think). FFS she is 44! She lives alone. No-one else is there to make the mess. No-one else is there to clear it up. If you hate living in a tip keep it tidy.
If she had asked me I would have gone over and helped her. BUT I was not going to offer. I have done that before and had it thrown back in my face (her sitting down being miserable with the "well you offered to come over so get on with it".
Oh god, sorry. Am waffling. So. She then started shouting at me for not telling her it was all going to be OK and she was going to feel better. That she had jobs to do. How was an invitation to mine going to help her. She needed sympathy and poor me comments - not offers to come over. I told her I had invited her so she could come for some love and sympathy and to take her mind of things. That I was sorry I had not given her what she wanted but there was no need for her to be rude.
She hung up one me, I tried to call back. She did not answer.
I went and spoke to DH about it. He told me to not let it bother me, that DSis would not have been happy until she had upset me/ had an argument. That regardless of what I had said DSis would not have been happy. And this pattern had been going on for as long as we had been together (13 years). He said I should try to disengage. My sister was only ever happy about/with me when I had problems. Her life was all about her, her, her. That he dreaded it if she ever called at the weekend because invariably that something about it would upset me.
Well wow. That was a bit of a heart-blow. He was BTW incredible gentle as he said this. He also, as the oldest of 8 very close brothers and sisters, knows about sibling relationships.
He reminded me of several examples - in the post below - no need to read if you don't want to...but some of this is for my clarity - and to show this is not one-off.
I am in tears writing this. She is my Sister. I thought she was my friend too. I thought she wanted me to be happy. I thought she was there for me.
But I am horribly scared DH is right. She is just self-absorbed. She is hugely jealous of my life (DH, DC). She had told me so. She has been jealous of me all our lives. I was more popular at school. I was better at exams. She says has has low self esteem as our mother loved me more that her. This is my fault? Oh god. Is DH right? It this a classic case of you cannot chose your family?
What do I do?
She is needy, demanding and clearly hurting at the moment.
But - she is like this 80% of the time - and it is always someone else's fault.
I do not think that anything I could do or say would be enough.
She is lovely to my DC. I cannot cut her out of my life. But I think I need to change stuff going forward. I cannot change her. I need to change me. How I react to her differently? Or is DH wrong.
So confused.
Sorry is so long.
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Relationships
Is DH right? Is my sister toxic? (Long sorry)
FishfingersAreOK · 18/05/2013 22:25
Oh dear, no am not her sister. 
It just seems the op has a lot of support - from lovely dh and parents etc.
So I don't see the point of asking an internet forum how to help her sister who seems to have a lot of problems?
Op is very firm with saying she already doesn't feel any responsiblity towards her sister's problems or helping her solve them and has made firm boundaries in this, so why besmirch her on here and ask if her DH is right in describing the sister as 'toxic' ?
There have been very sad stories on here with family connections really and truly being bad but this OP just seems a bit smug married to me. Sorry but she doesn't come across as liking her sister at all.
Sorry BBQ, was being a wee bit tongue in cheek there and it didn't come across. 
I thought as OP was on meds and as she didn't want to accept that her sister was toxic (not sure that she is btw) she just wanted a sounding board. Have done it myself when I could have asked people in RL but the MN collective wisdom even when it's conflicting can be helpful.
Okay you know yourself, you care and love your sister ie. if she is in trouble you'd help her.
Just dont let it bother you, accept she will always be like that and there is no point in trying to change her.
Once you accept that's how she is, her little jibes will bother you less. Things like the argument of why you didn't offer to go to hers will bother you less and less.
"its Sarah being Sarah again..
"
If she does something silly, call her out on it.
She is behaving like a child, then treat her accordingly.
arse has a point I suppose.
And also remember, always, that you are more popular and better at exams than your sister. And remind her of this. Often. Then she will eventually learn that you and your unforgiving H are not able to help her and that she really must learn to help herself and stop relying on her toxic family.
I can't see any 'conspiracy' against DSis . OP doesn't sound smug married - she sounds at the end of her tether with a demanding nightmare of a sister. And personally, I can't see what was wrong in inviting her to come along to watch DCs bounce on a trampoline, etc. She was asked to come along and join them for hugs, tea and sympathy - plus a bit of distraction.
What should OP have done, as a matter of interest? Abandoned the DCs and run to sister's side? She was already on her way to a farm trip with friends. Sister is a 44 yo adult - who'd had a man she was planning on dumping very gently tell her he couldn't offer her what she wanted out of life. Boo fucking hoo! Grow up and get on with it. Why should anyone have to rush to her side and console her?
The wedding scenario sounds a nightmare - and there is no way I'd have rushed back the morning after my wedding to hug anyone who was upset over their own relationship. How fucking selfish can you get?
OP I think your DH sounds lovely and level headed and incredibly patient over how demanding your sister is - and how much she intrudes into your lives. She is jealous and self pitying, but at the end of the day no one can improve her life except herself. Yes, things may have not turned out as she hoped - but it sounds like a great deal of this is due to her own behaviour and poor choices. You cannot do anything about this. You have offered as much support as you can. I would not be bending over backwards any more for her. I would be briskly offering what I felt I could and if she whined or complained that that was not enough I would simply say 'Tough. I do have a family and life of my own.' I think your response to her phone call was perfect - up to the point where you tried to call her back. I would not have bothered. I'd have let her phone me - and then mentioned the fact that she put the phone down on me having shouted at me.
You are right that you can't change her behaviour. You need to distance yourself from her, IMO. She doesn't love or like you. She just wants someone she think 'owes' her the need to listen and respond to her demands for attention; someone that she has the right to manipulate. Being born to the same parents doesn't mean you 'owe' her anything, now. You have a DH and DCs and you have offered what you can. It has never been good enough for her. I get the feeling that however much you do she will always resent that it wasn't enough. She sounds desperate to be No1 in someone's life - but it can't be yours. You have other people you need to prioritise over your sibling.
Great post garlic Absolutely about fitting into her life more.
I might have 'a little weep' because I haven't got a trampoline either. Then, I might phone my mother about it and diss my sister, again. Then I will tell DH about it.
Then I will tell MN about it.
Then I will bounce on my trampoline and congratulate myself. Then I will feel sorry for myself about my 'toxic sister', rather than take her to the pub and listen to her for an hour, I will avoid all phone calls from her and phone my mother instead.
You see - that is what your sister needs OP. You are no doubt in bed having 'snuggles' with your DH. But your sister needs vodka and a bit of empathy.
And bbq's trampoline.
She does not need tea and no sympathy and loads of children and your mother and you bitching about her. Not to mention your DH.
Right, I am in a different time zone but it is even bed time for me.
Good night bbq
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