My DP, who is an only child, and I have been together for 6 months and I really want the relationship to work. The main potential problem is his mother.
I, like every women he's been with, am only after his inheritance (her semi in a not nice part of Surrey), but he's too stupid to see it. She threatens to kill herself because she's lonely and no one cares. She cried when she found out I'd stayed the night at his home - a neighbour saw me leave. She makes comments about my appearance (ugly), education (poor), family (common) and has started talking about writing him out of her will. He used to be so kind before he met me, but now she's ashamed of his (unspecified) cruelty to her.
She also has keys to his house, which he gave her when he was having work done, and lets herself in when he's at work; he has asked for them back, but the suicide threats start again, which distract him from the task at hand.
DP moved back to his home town when his father, who died two years ago, became very ill. He sees his mother twice a week and calls everyday.
She's an intelligent, capable women in excellent health, who appears to have lots of friends. I hate that this is relevant, so please don't hate me for saying it, but I own my own place and my family are "posher" and richer than hers.
She is very open about the fact that he ruined her life and career when he was born, so he owes her.
Does anyone have any advice on dealing with her? How should I expect him to behave if we're going to have a successful relationship? Is it even possible to have a successful relationship with someone like that in the background?
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Met DP's mother...She's "difficult". How do I play this?
kistanbul · 08/05/2013 10:02
She is like my MIL, narcissistic and controlling. She likes to keep her sons and husband wrapped around her finger, despises me openly because I can see her for what she is. She is nice to my face, but slags me off to my partner and his brother. Once, just one she let her mask slip and sent me vitriolic text messages saying she hated me, didn't care if she ever saw me again etc.
Like your MIL, mine uses the guilt trip, how my partner has 'changed', how he used to be so much fun and now he is miserable. Apparently, nobody can believe how badly he treats her 
. People like them have a script. You will come to know it very well if you stay with your partner, I know exactly how she will react to any situation, it is quite useful to be able to explain to my boyfriend how she will play a situation. I don't think people like her ever change so as others have said you need to decide if it is worth it.
In my case, I think it is. My boyfriend recognises her for what she is, admits she has made him miserable and does not want to continue like that. You will have to set out your stall and be firm, for instance we are expecting our first child and have told her we will not be at hers for Christmas. She had a meltdown at this, but we want our Christmas in our own house. He is definitely willing to distance himself a bit for the sake of our own family unit. This is something his brother is unwilling/unable to do - there is lots of money at stake which gets thrown around as a means of control (issue of inheritance also constantly raised). I couldn't give a toss what she does with her money, I want a happy stress-free life and am not going to put up with her BS just in case.
It hasn't been easy, she has caused a lot of tension in our relationship, but he is becoming better at ignoring her. He used to be really bothered about what her friends and family must think of him, I feel nobody who knows her well is unaware of her selfish side and people will take what she says with a pinch of salt. It will be harder for you as he is an only child, he may well find it much harder to step away.
I wish you luck, you will need it, but only you can decide if he is worth it.
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