My DP, who is an only child, and I have been together for 6 months and I really want the relationship to work. The main potential problem is his mother.
I, like every women he's been with, am only after his inheritance (her semi in a not nice part of Surrey), but he's too stupid to see it. She threatens to kill herself because she's lonely and no one cares. She cried when she found out I'd stayed the night at his home - a neighbour saw me leave. She makes comments about my appearance (ugly), education (poor), family (common) and has started talking about writing him out of her will. He used to be so kind before he met me, but now she's ashamed of his (unspecified) cruelty to her.
She also has keys to his house, which he gave her when he was having work done, and lets herself in when he's at work; he has asked for them back, but the suicide threats start again, which distract him from the task at hand.
DP moved back to his home town when his father, who died two years ago, became very ill. He sees his mother twice a week and calls everyday.
She's an intelligent, capable women in excellent health, who appears to have lots of friends. I hate that this is relevant, so please don't hate me for saying it, but I own my own place and my family are "posher" and richer than hers.
She is very open about the fact that he ruined her life and career when he was born, so he owes her.
Does anyone have any advice on dealing with her? How should I expect him to behave if we're going to have a successful relationship? Is it even possible to have a successful relationship with someone like that in the background?
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Relationships
Met DP's mother...She's "difficult". How do I play this?
kistanbul · 08/05/2013 10:02
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carpe How do you deal with your partner? Is he able to be open and honest about his feelings or does he respond best to emotional blackmail and manipulation?
Deal? Ha! Oh that it were something you dealt with rather than lurched from low point to end of tether-itus with. 
I guess he does respond well to emotional blackmail. Ought to, he had a full 45 years of training right from when he was a few days old. I stopped any kind of "deal with her this way or I'll....." pretty early on. I didn't want to pile more of what she did on him. I wanted him to know something honest, rational, fair and...actual love in action rather than just an empty word used as a chain and padlock. He knew when I was feeling squashed, highly insulted (I am/was just like the SS, Gestapo in the shagtastic suspenders of an English whore doncha know) and frankly at the end of my rope. But we sort of just muddled through, with rows, tears and screaming mathces as part of the landscape when things got too much. But then, he also knew that I felt for him. Cos I knew it must be so hard loving somebody who only knows how to manipulate in return.
He is still grieving right now. She's only been dead since just after xmas. But pretty much I think the reason why things have been so good (even with grief factoered in) is becuase we aren't repeating the cycle thanks to bad habits cultivated during her lifetime. Perfect we are not, but the foundation of our interactions are based on real feelings rather than "cunning plans" being put into actions.
I think pretty much if you want this you either accept you will come trailing at the end of priorities (not becuase he loves you less, but becuase he fears her love more and has never known anything different.) or you do what all the rest of us do. Spend several years fighting it oly to end up in a knackered, dispirted, almost broken heap and face up to being the "model of good love" while wiping all the crap thrown at you off your face at regular inverals. and fantasise about dancing on her grave
Which incidentally you don't get to do. Well I didn't. Problem with people this ill is that when they get old and frail almost no OAP home will touch them with a disinfected bardgepole.
So ...family it is.
As incensed as she got me, ...you can't spend that long with somebody depending on you, even if their gratitude level is sub zero...and not get some kind of attachement.
One of the biggest irritations I have is that I ended up feeling so sorry for her. For the good, healthy life she didn't have becuase of the way she wad. And bits of my heart got a bit squished when she died, cos that meant all last hopes of a tiny slice of "better" were gone.
You want nice, clear, simple answers. Which is hugely understandable.
The problem is, there aren't any. If she is ill or this is chosen, but deeply ingrained, behavoir, it's pretty much over bar the shouting at this point. This is how she will be, your love interest will likely keep repeating the habits of an entire lifetime, you will probably keep searching for solutions that don't exisit.
Untill you give in, accept, and work with what you've got rather than what you wished you had.
Nothing going to help except time and experience and .... a mule like stubboness that she isn't going to ruin your relationship with her son.
And maybe running screaming for the hills. That might help. I wouldn't blame you if you did. Make sure he is worth it love. Becuase it is quite possibly going to be very expensive emotionally, loving this man longterm.
I went out with a man in his 30s with a mother like this. Only son and on the train up to stay with her for the weekend, he wouldn't have a beer in case she smelled it on his breath. On arrival her first words to me were ' I suppose you made him grow this' referring to his beard. No, I replied, it was his his choice - disbelieving looks from her.
When complimenting her on some antique furniture in her home, was told not to touch as very precious. Shame I didn't have a pick axe with me at the time 
.
These women never change and your DP is unlikely to find the guts to put his mother in her place.
Your choice but I would move on.
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