Partners leaving me in the morning

[VitoCorleone]

We've been agruing for weeks and tonight he told me he cant take it anymore, says im clingy and controlling and he doesnt want to be with me anymore, doesnt want to waste any more of his life with me, and he's leaving.

Im sat in bed crying. He's downstairs.

[VitoCorleone]

Good link Lweji interesring reading. One sentance on there stuck out to me

people decide their story and destiny, therefor these decisions can be changed

Dont know why but reading that felt positive.

[Lweji]

That's good Vito.

Have you looked at transactional analysis? You and your H could read a book together. It helps to make us understand the roles we take when dealing with other people. Sometimes we get stuck in the same roles, and changing the way we talk can help bring those relationships to "adult" status. Where we don't put people down, for example, but don't take the "child" role either.
Check en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis. I got a book about it from my local library.

It has surprisingly helped me deal with my mother for example.

But however you deal with the problems in your marriage, as well as your personal issues, it should be something you do together. He has to take an active role, including in dealing with his attitude towards you.

BTW, it's a good thing you are ambitious. And good luck with your business. It may take a while to pick up, and now it's not the greatest of times, but do stick to it. :)
Sadly ex was basically just lazy and a twat. :(

[RandomMess]

Please please book and go and see a good relationship counsellor it sounds like you both need a safe environment to be open and honest about how you feel about the situation and unlearn bad habits.

[VitoCorleone]

Well hopefully we can start to work on our relationship now, we both want to make it work. We're getting out on sunday night to see a comedian, so looking forward to that, we dont get much 'couple time' away from the kids, and im not into nights out on the town or anything like that. He's suggested once a month we try and have a child free night if we can get a babysitter and just spend more quality time together

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Btw I mean he must address his shortcomings, not both of you addressing your only... Putting you down is not on.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Well I'm not surprised you are anxious with his put downs. Loner? Really? This dosn't have anything to do with him does it?

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Just caught up with your thread here.

Do make sure you both address your so called shortcomings.

Being dangled like a yoyo, I am leaving you / I am not leaving you, is soul destroying. Well it would be for me.

[VitoCorleone]

Oh but people are obviously seeing my advert because ive just had a letter and cv in the post from somebody looking for a job.

[VitoCorleone]

I decided to set it up last month, as i think getting a job will help me but because of my partners shifts it would be hard to get hours that suited us as i would have to put our youngest in childcare and oldest too as he's only part time at nursary.

So i thought it would be better to be my own boss and i actually enjoy cleaning.

Ive had flyers and a website made up and have put flyers out, im also paying for an ad on yell.com which should go live this month when they get the first payment and bump me to the top.

Despite my anxiety i have big ambitions and one day hope to have a big cleaning company with employees

Dp keeps sayinf how sorry he is for last night, that its made him realise what he almost lost, that we really have a good life together when we are not arguing and that he'd never find anyone better than me. He's very sincere.

[Lweji]

Yes, but first you have to get out there and get the clients.
Getting out and about now will give practice to actually talk confidently to prospective clients.
Be proactive and try to get a grip on delaying tactics.
How long have you been setting up your business for?

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Hello Vito. I posed on your thread in chat and spotted this.

Here are some and ((((hugs)))).

It is a horrible situation but I second olgaga in thinking that once you are out of this, you may start to feel much better.

I must say that I think that you are much stronger that you give yourself credit for. Just setting up your business takes guts.

[VitoCorleone]

I have been reffered for CBT, still waiting for an appointment to come through, i actually had CBT 2-3 years ago for it but only went to 2 sessions before telling myself "stop being a weirdo and just get a grip" so i stopped going and stopped taking the medication (was on citalopram at the time) thinking i could sort myself out

Im now taking Sertraline, and think its helping, and am going to stick with the CBT this time.

Im also in the process of trying to set up my own business (domestic cleaning) so hopefully if i ever get any clients that will get me out of the house.

[Lweji]

Just pointing out that there's nothing wrong with loving being at home, or by yourself.
Your H would probably call me a loner. :)

But social anxiety is different.

I don't have a problem dealing with anyone, enjoy meeting new people, can speak in public and so on.

The combination of enjoying being at home or by yourself and social anxiety is dangerous because you'll tend to fall more and more into your coccoon. And the anxiety will get worse.

[northcountrygirl]

I felt I had to post as I suffered from anxiety for years. I didn't really know what was wrong with me and just accepted I was "weird".

About 2 years ago I had CBT and it totally changed my life. I did everything the therapist to.d me to do (bought the books, did the relaxation techniques, exercised and most importantly "forced" myself into social situations). My life now is so much better. I have lots of new friends, a very busy social life and go away on lots of holidays with the children and also without them. Looking back I'd probably had a social anxiety for more than 20 years and it's one of those things that gets progressively worse as you start avoiding social situations, thus reinforcing the anxiety.

I could not believe how quickly the techniques started to pay off. Within 6 months I saw a massive improvement in my mood and things have just got better and better since. I did also have medication. I had Prozac at first but that just made me worse so was then put on beta blockers instead which were much better. I only needed them for around 2 or 3 months.

If you can get your doctor to refer you for CBT I can't recommend it enough. Alternatively, if you can't get a referral, I would really try and find the money to go private as it really will pay for itself many times over. I was in a group (classroom style) and absolutely everyone in the group said they'd found it so helpful.

Take care of yourself and try not to be too hard on either yourself or your partner as I know just how hard anxiety is to live with.

[Lweji]

I agree that you should try and get out more, interact with strangers and so on, but it's easier to stay in your comfort zone.
Could you make a schedule so you have to follow it and feel obliged to?
It could be shopping (even if you don't buy anything), taking the children somewhere.

You will have to work on your communication so that you don't get frustrated, but you also have to understand that you need to put the work into your condition.
Imagine if you had to do physio, it would still hurt but you'd have to do it to regain your normal mobility.
Your H should be pushing you, but in a loving albeit firm way.
But small steps always.

[VitoCorleone]

He's generally quite good about the anxiety, if we're in a social situation he will constantly check that im ok, and if im really not then he makes excuses and we leave.

Its just the insecurity ive developed from feeling "not normal" that is causing fights. He says i dont help my problem by staying home all day and not getting out the house more, then i get defensive and a big row starts, a lot has been said in anger and frustration recently

[Lweji]

Yes, go to counselling.

[VitoCorleone]

And yes we need to address the bad habits we've fallen into, like me being clingy and him putting me down. Because when all that isnt going on we are really good together

[Lweji]

Good, :) but yes to all the comments.
You have to work at your condition as much as him.
Make it a condition that he researches about it, maybe together.
Even without therapy there are things you can do for yourself. Relaxation techniques, even exercises.
Would you be able to pay privately to speed it up?

But, yes, he must absolutely stop the put downs.
You both need to communicate your feelings better.
Can you tell him when you are feeling anxious? Or him telling you how he's felling?

[VitoCorleone]

He actually asked me to go to couples councilling a couple of years ago because we where on the verge of splittling, but i didnt want to. Perhaps it would be a good idea now

[VitoCorleone]

Thank you Sanity :) he knows i deserve to be treated better, that i do have friends and a life, im just more of a homebird and love being with my family. And when my business is up and running then it will get me out of the house a bit more.

Something - to be fair its the first time he's ever told me he's leaving, in the past when we've split up its always been me who's ended it, he's never wanted to go ive always pushed him. Suppose thats why it was such a shock. And we've had the discussion that if we ever split again then there really is no going back, once its over its over for good. Because we cant keep doing it.

[BIWI]

It sounds to me like you really would benefit from some couples' counselling. You obviously both love each other, but have some real issues that you need to really talk through and you need to work out a solution for both of you.



Hope you're both feeling better today.

[WilmaFingerdoo]

Vito, reading your thread, I really hope this works out if that's what you genuinely want but please lay your cards on the table now he has GOT to STOP pulling your personality apart. You're a loner etc. That is shit and you need to address that before moving on.

I hope it works out how you want

[Somethingtothinkabout]

Vito, that's good he's apologised as what he said was definitely out of order.

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but I'm always a bit sceptical of people who threaten break ups on their partner and then the next day say they didn't mean it. It's nasty and controlling, and it the situation escalates the next time.

By that, what I mean is that next time you've had a rough few weeks he'll say it's over, he doesn't love you, but this time will actually move out for a few days, then come back. The time after, move out a bit longer, etc.

I think you need to nip this cycle in the bud as it only leads down a destructive path and you're just dragging out the inevitable.

[SanityClause]

Okay, so now he wants to stay. I think you need to let him know how you want it to be, if he does.

Don't let him think he can blow hot and cold on you like this. He needs to come crawling back. Less of the "oh, actually, I've decided to stay" and more of the "please, I've been an arse, please will you let me stay".

Think about what you really want from him, and set those things out. Understanding of your disorder, no more putting you down, no more mindfuckery.

Let him realise he can't just do this. You are worth more than this.

Oh, and you are not a loner. Two close friends were lined up to come and see you tomorrow. You do have a life. You have two lovely children, and are starting up a business, and have lovely friends (and I'm sure there's more that I don't know about).

You are fabulous, and deserve to be treated that way.