Would you date someone with heart disease?

[JuliaGulia]

Hi all,

I'm divorced with 2 young kids.

Is it short sighted to dismiss someone who had this condition or should I protect my children from the uncertainty of what may lie ahead?

He's a nice chap, prepared to consider life with me + my 2 kids and seems really keen on me. I like him a lot, we have a great time but I'm just weary of getting involved with someone with a life restricting condition. It's congenital so he's lived with it all his life but there's no cure.

He can't do any sport, must walk slowly and sometimes sleeps with oxygen at night. He also has clubbed fingers which sometimes people stare at but they don't bother me.

Any words of advice? This is my first date since divorcing so I feel a bit inexperienced!

Thanks.
JG.

[rockmemum]

Many years ago I met a guy I really really liked...he was HIV+. He told me straight away, before anything got physical. I found out all I could about HIV, found out at that time that he probably had about 10 years to live and we could never have kids. I pictured myself a widow at 40, alone and lonely. My family and some friends warned me not to get involved with him but I did - I loved him.

20 years later guess what? He's still around, I'm not a widow and we have beautiful DCs thanks to new fertility treatment. Docs say he'll live a normal long life, he's very healthy and we hardly ever think about HIV.

All I'm saying is you don't know what the future holds and if I'd listened to people who told me to stay away from him, I wouldn't be where I am today. Sure, there are issues. But those issues force us to be open and honest with each other about everything - our fears and our hopes and dreams.

[noddyholder]

I have a very serious heart condition and my consultants said initially that it was uncertain but in most congenital cases they had seen life was different and limited in some ways but not shorter. HTH My dp has always known about my health issues but we work with it and we had to becasue we loved each other and there was no alternative . You could meet someone else perfectly healthy who could die too! I try and live in the day as the future is not really a 'place'

[noddyholder]

My doctors have always said me having a diagnosis is a gift those who generally collapse suddenly are undiagnosed. I have had this all my life but became symptomatic in 2000 and now 13 yrs on I am on medication. Who knows what will happen Life is unpredictable.

[noddyholder]

I don't have oxygen. What is the condition?

[Lizzabadger]

Do you know what syndrome he has? There are several associated with clubbed fingers, I believe. If you find out the name then you can find out the range of possible prognoses.

[AnyFucker]

OP shouldn't have to be doing this research

She should be talking openly about it with this man. The fact that he is resisting that is the problem, not the illness he has per se

[weebarra]

My DS has a congenital heart defect. At the moment he seens perfectly normal (although he sleeps a lot more than the average 2 year old). I don't know what his prognosis is. It saddens me that his condition may affect his future relationships but I suppose that's only because I hadn't thought about it before.
I think you probably need to have an honest and upfront conversation with this man about the future.

[Lizzabadger]

True. Even if he were prepared to discuss it I'd still do my own independent research in the OP's shoes though, in case he's minimising. I am an untrusting cow though.

[AnyFucker]

Oh yes, I would too. It wouldn't be the first thing I did though, if he wasn't forthcoming.

I would walk away instead

[happyfreeconfused]

I did go out with a man for a year who had had open heart surgery and had been given fifteen or so years to live. I was young and childless and didn't think twice about it. In your position, it is a bit different. I would just do some casual dating and see how it goes. It might not go much further anyway.

[NorthernLurker]

Health is just one of the things we DO take in to account when working out who's right for us. Career plans, do you want children, religious views, attitude to money, attitude to men, attitude to women - it's all stuff that you bring to a relationship. Everybody's relationships are affected by many, many things. It's not only health.
If the OP was asking advice on a relationship with a man who was completely upfront about the fact that he intends to spend the next 40 years working on antarctic research with mega periods away, we wouldn't think she was unreasonable for taking in to account the effect on her dreams and aspirations - and that's for something that can be completely changed. I have a friend who married a man with one child from a previous marriage and a very painful divorce when his wife cheated on him. She wasn't unreasonable to have thought very carefully about marrying him, knowing the pain he had carried and the ongoing responsibilities he had.

[NutraxForNerves]

I'm another with a congenital heart condition. Emotionally I want to just say "how dare you consider turning him down because of this", because that's how I'd feel about it.

But putting that aside - because this is not my emotional life - some practical things to think about, if you're unsure just on this issue:

• see if you can go with him to see the cardiologist, who will be able to explain the condition and the various possible ways it might or might not progress.
  
  
• I have known quite a few youngish men with congenital heart disease and small children. Even those that can't run around after them are fully able to be dad; they cope because they find a way around the limitations.
  
  
• as other people have said, anyone can get ill, there are no guarantees. That said, someone with a cyanotic heart condition are probably less likely to make old bones. But again, there are no guarantees: heart surgery is so new that the really long-term outcomes aren't known.
  
  
• technology advances so quickly; if he's not a candidate for transplant at present or doesn't want to go down that road, there may be something amazing coming along in 5 years. Or there may not.
  
  
• better that you decide no now than that you leave if the going gets tough later.
  
  
• there is a saying that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I have also known a number of people widowed young as a result of their spouse's congenital heart disease. Perhaps they wouldn't admit it to me anyway, but I don't know of any that wished they had never married their spouse.
  
  
• he, or you, or both, might find it helpful to call the Somerville Foundation helpline. That is staffed by people who know all about these issues and may be able to put you in touch with someone who decided to go for it, so you can talk honestly about the things that worry you and how they deal with it. The Somerville Foundation has an annual conference and various events in the year, and I know that the spouses, as well as the patients, find the opportunity to talk to others with the same condition to be invaluable.
  
  Good luck with your decision.

[NorthernLurker]

Very sensible post nutrax - and I LOVE your user name. I adore that book. One of my favourites.

'Are you taking too much out of yourself?' illustrated with...........

[noddyholder]

I didn't realise it was a cyanotic condition I assumed cardiomyopathy like myself Sorry x

[NutraxForNerves]

Thanks, NorthernLurker - reading it at present - after a spell of needing Nutrax!!

[NutraxForNerves]

Sorry, Noddy, I'm assuming cyanotic because of the clubbing but the OP hasn't specified so I may be wrong!

[NorthernLurker]

I think the need for oxygen may suggest cyanosis doesn't it?

Nutrax - have you read any of the Jill Paton Walsh LPW books? They're not bad.

[killerrobot]

It seems cruel that someone has been dealt a bum deal in life and then loses out again because someone doesn't want to commit to them because of their 'defect'. But you are a person with wants and needs too, not a charity.

The fact that you are asking yourself the question is perfectly natural, and doesn't necessarily mean you aren't that into him. You need to know what you are dealing with.

I wish both of you happiness, however things turn out between you.

[killerrobot]

Wonderful post, Nutrax.

[NutraxForNerves]

That's very kind of you, killerrobot.

Northernluker - I have read Jill Paton Walsh's efforts but she hasn't Sayers' gift for language so while I quite like them, I don't LOVE them.

[NorthernLurker]

I know what you mean. There are some bits of dialogue where you just find yourself saying 'NO, NO, NO - go back to Oxford JPW and try harder'

Apologies for the hijack OP

[crazyhead]

I think it is reasonable that this man is very upfront about his condition before you commit heavily, in the same way that I think it would be fair if he wanted to know all about your children, how you were now co-parenting and cooperating with your ex etc. Both are parts of your lives that will have a serious impact on the other person if you stay together, so therefore it is better to be honest.

When I read about your situation - someone walking out on you, very young twins, I feel very sympathetic and a bit tired on your account - that sounds like a lot to handle. If this is your first dating experience post divorce, then it sounds to me at least as though fun, a good laugh, a bit of passion etc might first and foremost be in order for you right now. I suppose my main question would be whether this situation IS actually able to be light and fun or whether you are being pushed into heavy territory too quickly? only you know that.

[verytellytubby]

This is making me sad for my DD who has a congenital heart defect. She's well at present (aged 10) but who knows what the future holds. I too was born with a congenital heart problem (Fallot's) and my parents were given no odds for my survival. I had groundbreaking surgery and I've had a total recovery. Anyway if I was you I would have a frank discussion with your DP, book a visit to see his consultant and find out everything you can.

I always think about my friend who met the love of her life and he was knocked down by a car and killed. Life is very short. You can't possibly make a decision until you are more informed about his condition. I'm a firm believer in medical advances.

Good luck.

[happyfreeconfused]

I think you should grab a chance of happiness when you can. If you really like him and it's fun go for it. If it's heavy or intense or dull, call it a day as you would with or without the health issues.